Undone

Lyrics are poetry that is sung. I’m sure that’s the stupidest thing i’ve said all day– still it’s the truth, and i’m all about the truth. and i’ve been listening to this song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. And while the overall message is something that i relate to …. the broken promises, the quick replacement– i haven’t done the things that Alanis speaks of in her song… *coughs*

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

…..

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

And I feel like screaming that sometimes. What makes the other girl so much better? What is she that is so enticing. I’ll tell you what, she’s Not Interested. and that’s what makes girls interesting to boys. The conquest, the journey, and the fear. It’s a rush. And No one wants to climb (metaphorically) the same mountain twice. Good God. WHy should you have to? There’s fifty million other mountains, so– move on. Sure, there are the few people who climb Everest twice– and those are the (metaphorically) ones who get married, and stay that way. It’s more than an adventure, its a way of life.

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you’d hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you’re still alive

I may not have done everything that Alanis speaks of, but I know– that guys (as well as girls, but guys are more noted for it) promise things to get into girls (guys) pants. *laughs bitterly* I promise you that i’ll always be your friend.. Nothing you say can make me loose respect for you… Well excuse me, that’s bull shit. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no getting around it– no getting around how it’s a lie. it’s age old, and girls still fall for it. We honestly want to believe people, believe that someone loves us, only us.

God, How often is it actually true?

And I’m here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It’s not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

And how fair is it that when you need people the very most, when you most need a shoulder to cry on people conveniently leave. When you hurt the most. People tell you to suck it up and move on. Just Move On. I get the concept, but the action it’s self eludes me. Yes, because I was a liar too. I didn’t mean all of those nice things i said about you. And i”m going to prove it by picking myself up, effortlessly, and moving on to the next date…. victim. No. So I agonize for … a while. At least people know my emotion is true, it’s deep, and i’m not going to smother it for their good. Too bad.

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you [are with] her

Pick it up, move on. Love, Move. Love Move…. That’s insane. Freakishly insane. I can understand moving on. I Get that. But c’mon, intense relationships aren’t always the long ones. But society paints it out to be that you can’t get to know someone in a short amount of time…. And left is right and up is down, and there is no right direction. And it’s confusing. So I follow my heart. And it says it hurts still. It hurts because I was lied to. I was decieved. I was lead to believe that You didn’t care, and then to alleve your guilt, you told me the truth– you did care. and then he cared… and i was confused. I was scared. because no one wants me. And I can’t blame you for liking him, but God, I can blame you for telling me…. promptly after I had finally relaxed enough to believe that you DIDN’T like him.

This isn’t so much about him, as it is about your selfish-ness.

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me

And I’m not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back

I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Can I explain to you, that I love you. Like a sister. You’re my best friend– But it still hurts inside, and i’m not sure where I am at all.

And I can’t blame you for wanting him. How could you not? I blame myself. I hate Myself. Everything about me. For which there is no remedy. Someday the pain will cease. but — not yet.

I don’t want to talk about it. I jsut wanted to get it out. This isn’t a “I want to Discuss this with BOTH of you” type thing. This is a “I’ve bottled this up, and it’s not going to help me move on” type thing. Keeping inside was only infecting the whole damn emotional system. You two can snog like kittens now for all I care.

Just don’t tell me.

Derringer Meryl [Cynical] Out

Feels like i haven’t updated in years. Psh. Oh, and it’s only been a little while.

I went to work this morning expecting the day after Christmas rush, as I should, but the power was out, so… yeah… I did pretty much nothing all day. I was at work from like… eight-thirty till noon, just hanging out, as my brain slowly became… used to the gross things that Gert and the Mouth were saying.

They are not for repeating, ever. *shakes her head*

At least I don’t have to work the rest of the week– seeings as how I’m not scheduled, and … i’m kinda snowed in. Oh, but that won’t stop me from having a stripper for my birthday, damn straight.

Not really. I think i’d be frightened of a stripper, and I’d glue anything i hold near and dear down, so as to prevent them from taking a five fingered Discount. Heh. Sorry, i watched a Tru Calling where a stripper steals some stuff– and so ever since, i’ve been wary. Not to mention the idea of seeing someone nekkid…. Isn’t my idea of a good time. I’m more of the– “Watch a movie and eat pizza” type. Though, if it was with the right people, i wouldn’t mind a tickle fight, and shameless non-committal flirting. Heh. Right? How can you go wrong with that?

Okay, so i know a few ways you can go wrong with that– but– it’s okay. *feels a twinge of guilt and anger* Blah Go away.

What I do want for my birthday (cause i’m a shameless birthday ho, and i want presents. Because of the weather, i’m not getting anything from Family. They had no time to go out and get anything before the merciless weather hit) is a Berserk toy. (coughs) not that i expect it. But if someone just wanted to call and say Happy Birthday, and just say they were thinking of me on my special day, that would be alright too. I guess. 😀 Honestly, next time i go to work, i expect to get an Xbox game that was free to my manager, but he was too much of a ho-bag to distribute like he was supposed to, and is instead giving them as Christmas Presents. Mou.

Lets see. I have games to finish, a lesson to prepare, and a room that desperately needs to be cleaned….

I think i’m going to read some Fanfiction.

Derringer Meryl [Evil] Out

Merry Christmas.

Oh and for those of you, like me, who are wondering what Mou Means– it’s japanese, and it roughly means:

to mourn, to lament

Tada, aren’t i the little freak?

Right, um… well, i need to go finish watching Slayers and so… yeah. I’m pretty tired too. Not to mention I need to be up in roughly seven hours to open Christmas Presents. *smiles* Happy. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Joy To The World] Out

Mou, can you believe it’s wednesday, and I haven’t even posted a freaking Lyric spew? Shame on me. I’m apparently the shame of the shame! Sheesh!!

Boy Crazy, New Found Glory

Some girls are crazy

Just listen to what I have to say about it

You’ve gotta watch out for the beautiful ones

They’ll twist your head right off your neck

And laugh about it with their friends

That’s just one night for them

They target you with their eyes

And move with their lips

And it pulls you in

She shuts you down with her voice again

And now are you listening?

This song goes out to girls

That we haven’t met just yet

This song is for stupid girls

Who think that every boy is all about them

These girls are crazy…

Just listen to what I have to say about it

You’ve gotta watch out for the younger ones

They’ll tightly wrap you around their fingers

And brag to all their friends

It’s nothing but a game to them

Then target you with their eyes

And move with their lips

And it pulls you in

She shuts you down with her voice again

And now are you listening?

This song goes out to girls

That we haven’t met just yet

This song is for stupid girls

Who think that every boy is all about them

You think you’re on top of the world

When all the eyes are on you

Just wait until your heart breaks

And you’ll know how I felt when I wrote….

This song goes out to girls

That we haven’t met just yet

This song is for stupid girls

That think that every boy is alll about them

Oi, Just switch it– girls to boys and boys to girls. Then this song is me-ish. Not to mention i’m sick of some ho-bag girl running up and screwing with guys i’m interested in. *eyes narrow* I’m protective.

mou.

Derringer Meryl [Doesn’t know what Mou is] out

Doesn’t it drive you insane when you’re trying to remember someone’s exact words and all that comes to mind is gibberish. *growls* I want to remember what Aragorn told Eowyn… when they talked before he went into the mountain.

It went a little like this:

Aragorn:”Why do you linger here?”

Eowyn: “Do you not know?”

Aragorn: *pause* “The Man you love is but a thought and a memory.”

I think that’s what he said. it’s the last part i’m worried about. Please, if you’ve just seen the film, i’d LOVE to know. *coughs* You could always Email me… and i’d be greatly beholdin’ to ya. *giggles*

i’m thinking of changing my layout again.. I’m just a fickle girl, I know. Oh, For those of you who haven’t been keeping track of the titles of my blog as of recently (the ones on the pictures) I’ll indulge you (like you care)

Affirmation, Acquiescence, Relapse

it may not seem like a lot to you, but honest. It means something.

i sorta want to explain it to those of you who don’t know me that well, but– part of me hesitates… because i don’t want to keep going on this. I’m tired. I’m tired of ragging on it. That’s what Acquiescence was about.

Passive assent or agreement without protest

it’s okay. I’m going to sink silently into the night, and not bring it up, because– i want the best for you. i want you to be happy. See? This is what i mean. Then… I relapsed.

To fall or slide back into a former state. To regress after partial recovery from illness

or addiction. Obsession. That works too. It’s bad. But I guess i’m sorta dealing with more than just… the one thing. There’s the fact that i’m not taking my medication anymore…. and the relationship that exists mostly in my mind (I guess, but i’d rather not discuss) and …. my first boyfriend. i can’t help it… but every time i look in the mirror I think of the words he’d say

You’re ugly.

you’re not worth anything

God, could you be fatter.

and it’s hard. to not believe him…. to not look at myself and see what he sees. What he saw. He doesn’t look anymore. He’s fairly successful… he has a job, makes more money than I do– he’s still a charmer– and despite the fact that they saw– they SAW what happened to me … girls still fall for it.

I pity them all.

And… I … I would have fallen back into his arms in a heart beat. He had me trained. Might still. *shrugs* i’m not around him enough to know. I can’t let my guard down around him because… if i did, for one minute– i’d be back there– in the hellish place… being hurt– being told those things again.

and the worst thing is that i’d believe him. Every word. because affection, even in it’s most sullied form, is affection. and i need it. I crave it.

i’m more than just casually addicted.

and no– my mum and dad hugged me enough as a child. and there was a lot of love in our home. I know i’m wanted here… that they love me.

but it’s never felt right. The only girl, only daughter, and the youngest, is a dangerous kind of cocktail. Two things you should never mix in a family with alcoholism and depression in it’s background. (not that i’d drink– but still, addictive tendencies) It’s like you’re asking to have a psychotic teen on your hands.

and people always say that i have to love myself before others can love me.

and I’d tell you what i think of that, but i’m trying my hardest not to swear. It’s a bad habit, highly addictive. Gives off lots of tension, with the slip of a tongue. shame on me. *looks sheepish* it’s a load of crap though. There is only one person who can love me the way i am, and sometimes, i don’t talk to him the way I should. Once again with the shame on me…

and honestly, the only people in the world who love me are the ones who don’t know me well, or have known me long enough that they simply must. It may sound like i’m depressed but….

honestly, i’ve not felt better in a long time. not since… well before. I guess I see what i as good and what is good, is different.

I think when I’m not hungry, it’s good. Like yesterday– i ate one meal, and wasn’t hungry the rest of the day. That’s good. good to me. I know it’s because of my depression that i didn’t want to eat– but my desire not to eat, made me happy…. so– my sadness pleases me.

Could I be more masochistic? But I guess, if i wasn’t so down on myself… if i didnt’ hate myself for the way i am– then every thing would be okay. I wouldn’t be so depressed, and i wouldn’t be so masochistic… (being the second and third definition, not the first.)

The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

That’s me. I hate myself. WHy not put myself through hell? I deserve it.

Why not re run the millions of things i could have done BETTER in a relationship through my head until it makes me ill. Until i can’t sleep… until i can’t cry anymore and the day breaks, and no one knows…. and I can’t tell them. Because they think i’m wrong. that i’m sick

and that i’m misshapen. Ugly, disgusting, foul, defective, erratic, faulty, mishandled, unsound, blasphemous, indecent, iniquitous, profane, damaged, mangled, feeble, and screwed up.

I am. I am all of those things. and I don’t know why. I don’t know why the images linger still. I don’t know why I can’t go on like everyone else.

Maybe i cling to those who show affection who had no need to. It shocks me. Intrigues me…. thrills me. i don’t know why they do it. I want to. and before i can ask– they’re gone.

in a heartbeat.

how can a bond so tight be broken so quickly?

Maybe it’s like shoe laces. You pull them too tightly, and they bust.

I feel busted.

and some of this is about one thing, and some of it is about another. and honestly, i don’t know where the line separates. it seems to be one large ball of pain inside of my brain, and i try to shove it away– try to keep smiling, but i find when i don’t notice what i’m doing, tears begin to well in my eyes. the smile that is so often permanently plastered on my face dissipates.

I’m…. hurting. From things so far in the past that i can’t even remember them clearly– from pushing them away so hard…. and from the present. the constant sting of my ever absent friends. but i keep reminding myself.

not everything is about me. everyone has problems. everyone has hurts, and everyone deals with them.

why are you having such an issue?

sometimes i’m angry with myself for saying that. I’m NOT like everyone else– i care. I care about everyone. I care about the freakish jerk who cuts me off in traffic. I care about the homeless person on the street.

and this isn’t a little care. This is overwhelming care. This is inside of my brain all of the time– constantly making me feel. as if to make up for all of those years of not caring…. for not feeling anything….

Derringer Meryl [Something’s here I’m not quite getting] Out