Undone

Do you know how easy it was to find this place using google?

Dangerously easy.

Deadly easy.

Crying myself to sleep tonight easy–

I know he’s going to find it– and laugh, and then it’ll be like this:

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style.

And so I came to see him to listen for a while.

And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes.

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,

I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.

I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on …

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.

And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there.

But he just came to singing, singing clear and strong.

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

He was strumming, oh, he was singing my song.

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

With his song …

Dang I hope he can sing, cause I want to die to a pretty song.

Derringer Meryl [Killing me softly] Out

Life is funny.

Very Funny.

Hilarious really.

The twists and turns that happen to us everyday, can not be described in letter or on the screen, its just the way it is, sometime life is inexplicably predictable, and sometimes wild and unknown.

Right now I’m hoping for the unknown. For something just beyond my reach…. I can’t help but want a better rush than doing the same thing everyday.

Packing the same lunch

Kissing the same lips.

And going to soccer practice with the same kids, the same night of the week.

Is something new everyday unheard of…..?

Although as I think about it, Kissing the same lips everyday wouldn’t be bad. I would just require love, deep abiding love.

Good luck finding it.

I was thinking of asking…. HIM to the prom. Did I mention this already? Time flies on here, and mentioning this one way or another doesn’t matter

I don’t think I could ever do it.

Too scared. Rejection stings– like… like…

the fortieth lash on your back, and knowing that there are sixty more to come.

Burns baby…. like dry wood under a magnifying glass.

It’s inexplicable. Oh well.

I could imagine it…. I’d dress up pretty. The prettiest, and for one night

Just once.

He’d be my date. I’d be his date. And I could die happy.

*imagines dancing*

Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still

Everything seems to be clear, not a solitary thing do I fear….

Derringer Meryl [Dancing Queen] Out

What to do.

Do I like him more than just a friend. Who knows. I sure as heck don’t. It sure would make things simpler if I did, then I could decide who to ask to the dance–

Yes I’m pathetic for planning out the dances already. I know this, so what. I need to know what guy to ask.

And if I should just hide under my blanket like a five year old.

I think I choose the latter. The blankets always win. Go figure.

I got a lot done today. I took brownies to work and it was nice. I love to make the guys smile and watch them gorge. that’s what makes me want to be a cook. The stove starting on fire however, makes me want to be a teacher again.

I like making people happy. I like it more when I can make them happy by brownies.

HE and I had a fun time on Tuesday. Just general teasing, and fun stuff. I can’t think about it, nothing in particular was special, it was just the night on a whole.

The downside was that he told me to stay single. Honestly– maybe we could stay single together. Maybe. In a married type way.

*smacks her head* Back to your regularly scheduled diary.

I have three Buffy DVD’s left. I suppose I”m just trying to make them last a while. I have to wait until they decide to release the third season, who knows when that might be. Winter–ish?

Hmm As of today I have Five Months and 30 days until my 18th birthday–

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!

Can we say excited.

Derringer Meryl [Pretty Fly for a] Out

Some kind of disgusting trick. Horrid thoughts– A nightmare if you please.

My life has turned into some kind of emotional roller coaster. I hate it. I suppose someone would tell me that’s how life is.

Well what i say to that is “Just because something is that way, doesn’t mean it should be.”

I”m tired of being jerked around by some sort of twisted fate that sometimes I forget that I control.

Forget it all.

Why? Because HE makes me laugh, and no matter how hard I try to get out, I keep getting back in. no matter what. Cause he smiles at me and he has these dimples that make me want to melt. And he’s great to talk to, he knows so much and I can’t believe it sometimes. I could listen to him for hours.

And yet.

Yet– I jerk myself back into reality where there is nothing between us, other than air and dust particles. A platonic relationship, and nothing more, because he’s four years older– and I have no guts.

I could give you excuses up the wazoo why I can’t date him ranging from the silly to the deadly serious. But after all those reasons have been resolved nothing will change–

Because I’m — Me.

I”m scared and no matter how my body grows and how my mind matures, I feel like I’m still five. Still a little girl who just wants someone to listen when she tells her little stories about how a little boy took her crayon in Kindergarten today.

No one listens.

Beyond all that I wish I could escape from Home. I Love my family, but sometimes it jsut hurts so much to be here, because I’m the only one who listens to anyone here, and I hear things that i’m tired of hearing, and I just want to escape into some sort of delusion for a few hours– while I recover.

I have the reality of a nephew who needs someone to parent him, and sometimes the weight of that falls on me. I’m not the only one, but

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

You make a mistake and you pay for it. You always do. Why is it me who is spending her weekends watching blues clues while I could be dating someone phenomenal. (not to mention that there’s few people who I think are phenomenal to date but that’s not the point) I just need some ME time. Me. Time where I sit and I — I’m me. No one asks for chores– No one stops to tell me to clean or ring someone up.

Just me. Me maybe some video games, a good book.

Honestly i think I could cry– Maybe that’s because I’ve decreased my medications. Maybe.

Maybe it’s because normal life … Normal.. people always say normal doesn’t exist.

I laugh at their foolishness. Sure “normal” is different for everyone. But … For me It’s being after school, and not being tired of listening to people talk, and when people are dating and they’re my friends, I’m not bitter. That’s normal to me.

I’m abnormal.

Derringer Meryl

Why do you do what you do to me baby,

You’re shaking my confidence you’re driving me crazy,

You know if I could I’d do anything for you,

Please don’t ignore me cause you know I adore you

I have a dilemma. Okay, It’s a really stupid dilemma. Dull really, are you sure you want to… never mind.

I like two guys. For the first time, yes FIRST TIME i like two guys at the same time. One of them is potentially bad for me, and one of them potentially good.

True to girl-y nature I’m leaning towards the bad one. Probably since I spend more time with him, but that’s all my fault i’m sure. In any case.

I was thinking about buying this for him. (For those of you who can’t see this it’s a ring from the green lantern…. he’s a huge fan)I just — It’s a bad Idea, and i’ll talk myself into a Count Von Count cake pan I’m sure.

But It calls to me. I like buying things for people. I like to see them happy. For all intents and purposes, I like buying things for other people because I get to see how happy they are, I get to enjoy it. It’s purely selfish. I’m sure.

Him– I could just listen to him talk about nothing for hours. I like it. I like to hear him talk, and I like the way the light in his eyes dance when he talks about — anything!

And– well I suppose I should tell you who the other guy is… but i can’t. Never know when he might accidentally stumble in on this diary entry and read it and and…. and… Well I’d be mortified, because when you’re friends telling someone you like them makes it all awkward.

And if the person you tell is really mature and doesn’t care or whatever and is comfortable……. You’re still awkward.

I know. I’ve told people who haven’t reciprocated the feeling.

I think the reason I don’t like to visit “datesville” as a friend of mine and I call it, is because I become clingy and I’m afraid of that part of me. and instead of fixing it I just want to ignore it, pretend it isn’t there and just… stuff it into the pit of my tummy. it works. and when I get scared that i might just start telling people on the street that i’m loosing my mind and I’ll never be sane enough to get married to anyone who won’t hurt me —

I hide inside. that way if i blurt it out to my cat, he won’t be telling anyone anytime soon.

Derringer Meryl [Punk rock prom queen] Out