Undone

Some kind of disgusting trick. Horrid thoughts– A nightmare if you please.

My life has turned into some kind of emotional roller coaster. I hate it. I suppose someone would tell me that’s how life is.

Well what i say to that is “Just because something is that way, doesn’t mean it should be.”

I”m tired of being jerked around by some sort of twisted fate that sometimes I forget that I control.

Forget it all.

Why? Because HE makes me laugh, and no matter how hard I try to get out, I keep getting back in. no matter what. Cause he smiles at me and he has these dimples that make me want to melt. And he’s great to talk to, he knows so much and I can’t believe it sometimes. I could listen to him for hours.

And yet.

Yet– I jerk myself back into reality where there is nothing between us, other than air and dust particles. A platonic relationship, and nothing more, because he’s four years older– and I have no guts.

I could give you excuses up the wazoo why I can’t date him ranging from the silly to the deadly serious. But after all those reasons have been resolved nothing will change–

Because I’m — Me.

I”m scared and no matter how my body grows and how my mind matures, I feel like I’m still five. Still a little girl who just wants someone to listen when she tells her little stories about how a little boy took her crayon in Kindergarten today.

No one listens.

Beyond all that I wish I could escape from Home. I Love my family, but sometimes it jsut hurts so much to be here, because I’m the only one who listens to anyone here, and I hear things that i’m tired of hearing, and I just want to escape into some sort of delusion for a few hours– while I recover.

I have the reality of a nephew who needs someone to parent him, and sometimes the weight of that falls on me. I’m not the only one, but

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

You make a mistake and you pay for it. You always do. Why is it me who is spending her weekends watching blues clues while I could be dating someone phenomenal. (not to mention that there’s few people who I think are phenomenal to date but that’s not the point) I just need some ME time. Me. Time where I sit and I — I’m me. No one asks for chores– No one stops to tell me to clean or ring someone up.

Just me. Me maybe some video games, a good book.

Honestly i think I could cry– Maybe that’s because I’ve decreased my medications. Maybe.

Maybe it’s because normal life … Normal.. people always say normal doesn’t exist.

I laugh at their foolishness. Sure “normal” is different for everyone. But … For me It’s being after school, and not being tired of listening to people talk, and when people are dating and they’re my friends, I’m not bitter. That’s normal to me.

I’m abnormal.

Derringer Meryl