Undone

I don’t hate myself for it, I don’t see why I should, I’m best friends with my co-workers. They’re really my entire social life. That’s that. I don’t find it shameful as Artemis, Gert, Monkey and yes, even the Mouth are some of my closest confidants. It extends even to places I don’t work. Friends of Friends. J-bob, Dateless and so many more I haven’t even given little pet names to.

Then this one guy. I swear he lives to get under my skin. He insinuates that I’m lazy, that I’m lame, and that i’m the uber bitca or something. I’m not. I’m not lame, and I’m not lazy….

nothing at work pisses me off more than being called lazy. NOTHING. You might think i’m too touchy about the whole damn thing, but trust me– I take pride in my job, and that I do the best job that i can. Sure, sometimes I get warts burned off of my feet and I can’t stand quite yet, but i’m still there, trying to do my best, and I point out from across the room that something’s out of place, and this smart mouthed freak tells me i’m lazy. Doesn’t even give a flying rats…. *growls* that i’m in pain because i’m standing.

Then, he feels the need to tell me the flaw in all of my relationships is me. That I’m Lame and no one likes me. He likes to plainly, and painfully illustrate how i’m the downfall of the freakish human race.

and I? I would like to cut his tongue out and sew his mouth shut. No… I’m not bitter. I find that if he can’t do anything productive with the language that God Granted him, he might as well shut up. I might as well aid in that, seeings as how people don’t know when to shut up for their own good. Especially this guy. I hope he dies. I don’t want to aid him in that, but i’m sure he’ll annoy or anger someone until that point. I wouldn’t be suprised if he found himself dead in a ditch one day.

I don’t have enough malice in my heart to wish him dead. I just simply think it wouldn’t be hard to imagine him provoking someone to that point. I’ve decided MY best plan of action is just… crying. I’ll cry and ruin my make up and my entire life, so he can look like a freakish jerk and feel horrid.

I like to think so anyway. I guess everyone isn’t like Inu Yasha. Don’t you wish more guys were?

Derringer Meryl [My Tears] Out

Isn’t it interesting how everything gets all kinds of mushy at Christmas time?

The Specialist is feeling it. My dad isn’t feeling the mush, and I think he’s missing it. I don’t get mushy over him anymore. *shrugs* I’d be sad if he died…. I do admit that. I’d miss things about him– but sometimes his drama-y ways out weigh the goodness that i know lies inside.

Tonight, i went to see Elf again. Everyone at work was going… and for the lack of a better excuse, i went too. 🙂 I love it when they include me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzily. Heh. I’m a dork. Anyway, Dad was a little upset that I didn’t ask permission to go. Since i’m eighteen, i didn’t realize that i needed permission, considering it’s my money i’m spending and Artemis’ gas money too. (as in she was outside wasting gas as she waited for me. :S) I guess that’s one of my rebellious things. That I don’t feel like I should ask to go. I don’t mind asking, but i don’t think it should be demanded of me that I should ask.

What i’m most sorry about is that Dax got ripped a new one because i didn’t understand that Dad wanted to talk to me on the phone. Sheesh. 🙁 Sorry Dax. I didn’t know that it was earth shaking that i was going out. I’ve been out before like this. With the same people…. Not like Dad keeps tabs on where I am anyway. Psh. Usually he doesn’t realize that i’m gone …. for a while. Like until Dinner, or Prayers. I have to admit, i’m a little miffed about that. I don’t expect him to have my schedule memorized…. honestly, I barely do– but it’s nice to be missed, and God, if your family doesn’t miss you, who will? (Do i always say that or what??)

I’m a whiner, I need some cheeze to go with my whine, I know.

But tonight… is not the time to be deep and introspective. I’m just …. tired. and I need to… eat something…. So, Yeah.

Derringer Meryl [You Sit on a Throne of Lies] Out

Downer or two– I’m always on one. :S Right. I’m beginning to wonder if anyone from my family that doesn’t live with me even reads this freakish little blog. *shrugs* Or maybe they’re just too polite to say anything about my schizo-psychotic rants.

I’m sure that’s it.

Meh. i’m realizing it’s tuesday, and i’ve done NO new lyric spews for the week. It makes me feel all sorts of bad…. I’ve been busy though. I”m coming up to finals (which sucks majorly. Not passing a class sucks a lot more when you paid for it…. or someone did. Ya know?) and i have a ton of review… and uh… catching up to do. So I really shouldn’t be dawdling by trying to set up Christmas for the house. It’s sad, but if i don’t kick everyone in the pants no Christmas decorations get put up. I feel a little wrong doing it this year. I feel… Like I’ve committed the second worse sin ever known to man. *coughs* So setting up the nativity feels a little odd. I feel like i’m tarnishing everything i touch and then consequently ruining Christmas. …. *sighs* I get melodramatic. Sorry.

Yes, i was discussing the busyness i’m feeling. THen I have to get enrolled in class for next semester. I’m not sure what to do, or anything…. *sighs* I hate it. I hate school… Deeply with the passion of a thousand suns. With the passion of a hundred billion suns.

Okay. I really REALLY hate it, to say the very least.

Right. *sighs*

so i do have a lot to be doing. *sighs* and a lot of stress.

Derringer Meryl [God Grant Me Penance] Out

Things are eating away at me. I cna’t say I can think of anything too specific, and if I did, I probably couldn’t say it in here anyway. Gotta protect the innocent, ya know? *nods*

*shrugs* Just things. Dating things, and how inexplicably clueless I am…. Friendship things, and how stupid I am with that…. school and applying …. and… I don’t know. How it’s okay for anyone else in the world to be scared of the opposite sex…. but me. I love that one. I love how it’s normal for every other person but me. *laughs* Oh well. Lets see… i started my christmas list. It’s things I want, but cannot have, like ever. Ya know a list of “I wish” Completely. …. and if you could do these things for me, I’d have you as my husband, in two minutes flat.

Meryl’s Christmas WISH List

1. Five guys like the ones from Queer Eye For the Straight guy. (Gay, Straight, I couldn’t care less, Five complimenting guys around me for a day, i’d feel like a princess)

2. To take Back everything from this summer, and shove it in a rubbermaid container. Memories, emotions, and actions. All of it, stuffed in a container, so I can show my kids I was a &^#$ing moron too.

3. Direction and money to use the direction. I lack it, I need it. More importantly I want it. Of course the minute my life seems to gain something good in it, the good thing flits out the next opening it can. Like a butterfly. I guess life wasn’t meant to be good.

4. An Apartment, no strings attached. (I say what I mean. I don’t want an apartment where I have to sleep with five different men each just to pay for it. I just want a place that isn’t here.)

5. To know why. Everyone needs some closure in my life, and the only bit i’ve got is the fact that in every failed relationship in my life, i’m the only factor that is common.

6. Courage. I’m more cowardly than the Lion. Nuff said.

7. Understanding. To understand that saying NO isn’t hurting someone, and I can’t think of it that way. To understand that mooning over someone who will never think of you THAT way isn’t any way to live. And to understand how to get past it all.

8. My two front teeth… or a car. EIther one. 🙂

9. For One person, anyone, anywhere, to love me as much as I love them.

10. To be able to accurately speak, and be correctly construed. I have a problem with this…. all the time. *laughs*

Fin Wish List

Derringer Meryl [All I want for Christmas Is you] Out

New links up, nice eh? I thought so. *nods* added one for Antigone, who is the specialist’s wife. He calls himself “theorb77” so don’t get all scared, it’s the same person, I just call him something else here. 🙂 cause of the ever so good line from FMP “I’m not an Otaku, I’m a specialist!” which is what he is. He seems like a dork, who thinks he knows everything…. (I’m going to get beat on later for this) but he’s really smart, and does know a lot of things. It’s like he can forsee the future, which makes me wonder if he has some kind of contract with the devil…. heh. I’m so getting bruised tomorrow. Sad….

Tomorrow’s thanksgiving. Which reminds me of my random encounter today at the sev. (Which, for those of you who don’t speak dorkish, is the seven eleven.) This guy, and his mullet wearing child, turn and stare at me, like they’ve never seen someone like me before. Since i’m white, and have brown hair and brown eyes, I honestly Do NOT know how they could NOT have seen someone like me before, but i suppose it’s more of a saying than anything else…. anyway, they stare and nod at me for a few mintues… after debating whether i should tell him to take a picture and turn around — or just be polite, i land of course on the more logical “Be Polite” reaction, and thus smiled back. the Man asked if I was ready for the oncoming holiday. I continued to grin at the idiot who was grinning at me, and responded that I was ready. He said he was going to gain at least five pounds tomorrow. I simply smiled and waited for him to pay for his gas, so I could pay for my hot chocolate.

My mom says he was flirting with me. It seemed to me like a casual, but annoying, conversation, not flirting. Like when my dad starts talking to the clerk at the grocery store, and you can see their smile tighten as he rambles on about the price of broccoli or some such crap.

But, true to retail form, they remain polite.

Which reminds me again, i have work early on Friday. How fun. 🙂 Day after Thanksgiving Massacre, i’m sure it’ll be just as bad at our store. We’re having a sale, buy two used get one free. I’m grateful, maybe we’ll clear out some of the titles that are overflowing our Used sections. We’re ready for Christmas. 🙂 I am. I’m ready to get it over with…. *sighs* I’m SO ready. and of course, three days after Christmas, is my birthday…. Merylmas (Laughs, I think not) and I’ll be happy, and also nineteen. It’s great. It’s funny no matter how old I get, I still feel like a five year old. Great, isn’t it? I thought so *sighs*

I’m still debating with myself what to get people for Christmas. Whether I should be distant and aloof, or tender and warm (also known as OVERLY CLINGY) is totally up in the air. I also found a book today, that I’m not sure if I should get Gert or not. It’s Tony Bennett, Maybe I’ll write Friendjamin an email and ask him what he thinks. *shrugs* and i found a moose that i’m going to get Artemis. 🙂 I’m so happy!

Derringer Meryl [Giddy and confused] Out