Undone

….. in a odd and depressing kind of way.

It’s getting cold around these parts again, and in my conversations, I say “I just wear my hoodie to bed, it keeps me warm….” and it makes me sad, that for the 18/19th year of my life, i’m sleeping alone. Cold. *hangs her head in shame* I need to move my bed away from the window.

That’ll at least take away the cold from the outside. My heart’ll be cold for a good time yet, i do believe.

*sighs* Yeah, so I’m odd. I finally get the guts up to go and interview at a company, and now it looks like i may get the job, and i’m not sure i want it anymore. I’m not sure i want to leave my store now, for this unstable one. And it scares me. I’m so nervous and frightened… and i’m so unsure. *laughs* that’s a perfect segway into stuff we just aren’t going to cover here. Hee hee.

Oh! I finished watching Berserk today. I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone, especially not people who want to watch something with their kids. Good God, NO! Watch it with your wife, or loved one, you’ll get lots of cuddles because of the excessive amounts of blood. *smirks* good thing.

I went craft shopping today. and being there made me want to die. I know, warm fuzzy of the post, i’m sure. I just… i hate being there, because i feel like i’ve lost everything, everyone i love. And so being there only makes it worse…. because i make things (crafts, food, n stuff) for the people i love. and they all seem so far away. and everywhere i turned, i sadly thought of someone i feel i lost because of my own stupidity. And everywhere i go in town, i have memories. I don’t know how other people live iwht it. the pain of knowing you lost someone you held dear to your heart, because of your own moronic tendencies. *eyes glaze over* I better go before I die.

Derringer Meryl [i’m not eating dinner] Out

so– fifteen or so hours when i finish work tonight, for this week alone. *smiles* that means out of my alotted hours of time in my life this week, i’ve spent (or will soon) spend fifteen and a half hours working.

*frowns* I can think of fifty million other things i’d like to do. Like hang out with my friends, which i never get to do anymore. Blah.

I bought a new game, Sword of the Berserk: Guts Rage and i’m liking it. The thing is, is that, i’m not a little girl any more. When i get done watching an anime, or a movie, i feel sad, and a little bitter. Because, *sighs* Okay, in this video game Guts, who is this hardcore guy who thinks “i don’t need you, and i don’t need one damn person in this world.” Basically a guy after my own heart, but somehow, a fellow warrior, Caska, works her way into his heart. He falls in love with her, and she’s completely smitten herself… and then…. she looses her mind. Another guy does some real shibby stuff to her, and she’s gone. Guts ends up devoting his life, to make her remember what they had before.

And I get all sad, and angry, because i don’t have that. I dont’ have someone who would kill a hundred men to save me. Hell, I don’t have someone who would risk being pricked by a thorn because they love me. I mean, amorous kind of love, not like “My mommy and daddy love me…” type love. I have that coming out my ears. i guess i should be grateful, but …

you begin to miss what you never had, simply by seeing what others have.

Now, the two-hundred-million-dollar question….

Do I love someone enough to fight off a hundred men?

Well. yes. I try to make it go away, and i guess i try to hate people, but… deep down, i love people. That doesn’t mean they don’t annoy me to the point of wanting to murder them sometimes– but… Yeah, I love someone enough to die for them.

I’d crawl two thousand miles on broken glass, just to lie in their shade.

It’s sick.

I’m sick.

Derringer Meryl [and i never want to do this again] Out

I have my first test in college tomorrow. I’m really nervous, mainly because i haven’t been to class in a long time. Heh. Shame on me. *smirks girlishly*

I won’t be going to visit monkey because he’s going to the doctor’s office to see if he has a heart murmur. I worry. I worry about Red too. She’s so far away, from her support base. (That is, me. heh… not really, it consists of a whole bunch of people.) *laughs softly*

Which reminds me. I went to see Monkey at work, and to give him Red’s new cell number, so he wouldn’t have an excuse to not call her (but i forgot to get him a calling card, oops.) and I was leaving, and once again my mind was doddling on the fact that guys turn their head slightly when they look at girls, Only God Knows why, i’m sure…. anyway, i was walking out the door, wondering if anyone was watching me. Trust me, i’ve gotten whistles from outside of that store, and a “Damn Baby! What do I gotta do to get me some of that!?” To which I didn’t reply… well I did use my spirit finger… heh. Anyway, back to the story… I was walking out, and i heard the door sorta clang behind me, because our door is really loud– if you’ve been there you know that…. anyway, i sorta turn and look, and Gert is washing the windows….

I smirked to myself wondering if he was actually doing work, or watching me. The cocky part of me says, “He was watchin’ your fine swing you gots in your backyard, yo!” and the modest part of me says “Whatever, he’s just doing his job, cleaning the windows. It’s what he does.” To which the other part responds “Actually, if you remember, that’s not his job, that’s monkey’s job. You know that. He thinks You’re a FINE piece of meat….”

and then I blush at the continuing ramble of my cocky little ego. *winces* I normally don’t brag. But cheeze and rice– i apparently have one fine ass. Red thinks so, Monkey does too (he won’t admit it, but Red Caught him looking, with the tilted head), Marco agrees with Red, and my mum says I have a fine swing in my backyard. Wahoo! I rock….. not really. Heh.

Anyway– i’m fairly sure i’m done bragging about how fine i look (oh no, really, i’m not that good looking.) and we can now continue on with the lyric spew which happens to be from Berserk, an anime which is good but VERY VERY VERY Bloody. Seriously. I’ve seen more blood in the last four hours than a doctor has in his entire career. hee hee. But the opening song, which is surprisingly sang in English, is really good. It’s got a neat Beatles type tune, and it’s just catchy.

Tell me Why, Berserk

Feel no shame about shape

Weather changes their phrase

Even mother will show you another way

So put your glasses on

Nothing will be wrong

There’s no blame, there’s no fame

It’s up to you

The first words should be finded

Whatever hold you back

I can, I can get it off

Tell me what, Tell me what, Tell me what you want

I don’t know why, don’t know why, don’t know why you afraid

Tell me what, Tell me what, Tell me what you say

I don’t know why, don’t know why, Too late, it’s too late

Have no fear for real

It’s just a turning wheel

Once you start up there’s no other way

Don’t put your eyes on boots

Step forward your roots

There’s no aid there’s no trade

It belongs to you

Before you miss something given

You should know what’s the truth

I can, I can make it out

Tell me what, Tell me what, Tell me what you want

I don’t know why, don’t know why, don’t know why you afraid

Tell me what, Tell me what, Tell me what you say

I don’t know why, don’t know why, Too late, it’s too late

Before you miss something given

You should know what’s the truth

I can, I can make it out

Tell me what, Tell me what, Tell me what you want

I don’t know why, don’t know why, don’t know why you afraid

Tell me what, Tell me what, Tell me what you say

I don’t know why, don’t know why, Too late, it’s too late

Derringer Meryl [Don’t point pretty girls out, not nice] Out

I finally finished watching Chobits, and have come to the decision that i need to make a Chii layout for this website. But finally finishing watching it makes me feel…. well it works in really well with my journal entry from yesterday. The whole point of the anime is for the main characters, Chii and Hideki, to find the person they love the most. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but lemmie tell you…

that was ONE social commentary on society that was RIGHT ON! People loving ‘things’ (persocons) more than real people. They began to ignore their loved ones because they found something that was programmed to be happy, and it didnt’ matter if they forgot their birthday, or to say thank you for dinner, or if they were romantic. The Persocons were happy no matter what. That’s the ideal person, the ideal mate. No worries, no stress, just happy, warm fuzzies! That’s the deal. Then when the people have to deal with real people, who have all sorts of emotions, they don’t understand them and withdraw more.

*sighs* I’m afraid that i’m going to have to make some kind of test, and a made up disease that inflicts people… called… SIFD. Yes, SIFD (Social Interaction and Flirtation Disorder) and then i’ll make up some fake symptoms. Like: Short uncommitted relationships, bad or even disgraceful pick up lines, drooling, tripping over the floor and/or own feet, stuttering, clingyness, and drunken actingness…. or soemthing.

I’ll make it better, and i’ll make an official website for SIFD, of course with a disclaimer and what not, so people won’t sue me. Cause God, that’s just what i need, isnt’ it? *laughs, then suddenly sobers*

No. No it isn’t. Unless the judge or the lawyer i get is really really cute! still. Lawyer and court fees in combination with tuition to college, it isn’t pretty. Not pretty at all. ick. *gags*

Red and I have been discussing the matter of Love. And our few, but still very vibrant, loves in our lives. The real kind. Not the “I’m a sophmore in Highschool and i know you must be the one for me, and i just can’t imagine life without you” type thing. Something deep and pure and … abiding, and unending. it’s something… It’s not for the person who feels it. It’s for the person it’s felt for. You want to sacrifice everything you feel, everything you are, and anything… nothing is out of the bounds for what you would give to make that person happy, even if it wasn’t with you– you want him to smile that happy smile no matter who it’s with. it’ll hurt you until you want your innards ripped out your ears, but you want him to smile that happy smile… even if it’s not to you.

And you want to know what? It’s the same kind of love no matter the gender. I love Red, and I’m almost damn sure she loves me. that’s why she always tells me the truth when i’m lying to myself about things. It’s hard to admit myself to the truth, but… it’s hard not to. She says it in the simplest way– and it makes you see it, you can’t deny it in any way. Isn’t possible.

I haven’t been feeling so well this weekend. I told Di to tell Monkey that i was deathly ill. So much for that. I think i’m glad she didnt’. I mean, my heart starts racing for no reason whatsoever, and it’s not a good thing. That is my heart rate [resting] is around one hundred BPM, and that’s no good. no good at all. I can’t live like that. i get light headed, and just… ill. Sick to my stomach. it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest… i don’t know why my heart is doing this, i haven’t been caffeine queen, and i haven’t taken my amphetamines that would make my heart race like that.

It’s scary. and the two people i want to be next to me if I have to go to the hospital, aren’t here. Aren’t contactable… and for one of them, i feel that i have no one to blame but myself.

Derringer Meryl [i want to be with you] Out

I’m full of Shippy longing.

I finally finished Love Hina One of the most romantic anime’s ever. At first glance, not really, but it definately deserves a second look. Honest.

Then I’ve been watching What I Really Meant To Say Buffy Music Video. I hope tomorrow’s ep is full of Buffy Spike Shipping. I’m dying for it.

Why?

Because it feels nice that the guy who gets kicked down, the one who everyone looks down on– the one that no one seemed to understand, is the good guy. Sure he did some cruddy things, but he’s trying to change, he wants to make up for it–

He wants to make things better with her.

I wish someone loved me enough– to want to make things better for me. it’s not a quality you find in many people now days. Heck, you don’t find it in people very often at all– but that’s the thing, they’re filled with love– or charity– and they do things, nice things for others.

I want that.

It’s funny too. That I get stuck as the under dog in every thing. I’m never the hero–

I’m the Xander, the Keitaro, the person who does good things, but always ends up looking like a freak– always in someone else’s shadow. I don’t mind being there–

I’d just like some sunlight sometimes.