Undone

Being a girl myself, I relate (now being a mom twice over) really well to my mom. No offense to my dad, who is great in his own right, I don’t want this blog to sound like my mom is great and my dad didn’t do anything… It’s just that myself, I find myself learning a lot about my mom through being a mom myself. I will always be a parent, but I will never ever be a dad. I just thought I would cushion what I’m about to say– just because I know my dad is awesome too– I just find myself with an increasing respect for my mother.

I had my second daughter a week or so ago. We were in the hospital for a while, my parents (ever so greatly!) took care of Katie for us, and I came home and my mom stayed with us. She made sure we ate well, and often, and that I got water and relaxed. She made sure that Katie got attention, and that I got sleep. I’m sure it wasn’t SUPER de duper fun for her, but I know she did it because she loves me. The way I love my kids. 🙂 And now she’s watching Katie for me at her house (again, both her and my dad) because I still can’t lift her, and snuggle her like I want to… she’s dying for attention and to go outside. Which I can’t do because A) I’m exhausted and B)I don’t want to be mauled by our dog who is just the right size to jump up and hit me in my incision. Ow.

In any case, my mom (as I mentioned at the hospital) is a self sacrificing person. I love her for that. I love her for loving my daughter… I love her for loving me 🙂 Even when I’m not so lovable.

Derringer Meryl [Mom Love] Out

Don’t ask me about the title.  it popped into my head.  I figured why not.

I am going to be a mom again on July 2. It’s freaky! Only a few more days. I’m scrambling to get some things done. Such as my dishes, get the garbage out, clean house, get some entertaining TV in order (for Katie or me, either one.) I’m kind of worried about Katie’s reaction. She has been increasingly excited about babies. For example we saw a tiny little baby boy at church and she would not be quiet about it. She was standing in the aisle (as she is prone to do) and pointing “BABY BABY BABY!” of course she wasn’t quiet doing that. She loves babies. I hope she’ll love Audrey.  She has been very cuddly since the incident last week, and loving. I have to say that her stage right now of being lovey but sometimes independant is wonderful. I am afraid of the 2 weeks following my c-section when I won’t be able to lift her. I am trying my best to condition her now that Mommy can’t carry her all the time. I am also trying to carry her when I feel like I can (for as long as I can) because I know I won’t be able to soon.

I am excited for a tiny baby again. In some ways it’s going to be fun. In others, not so much. I remember recovering from Katie (when it was just me and Katie) and that was hard, so I imagine with a toddler it’ll be more interesting and more hard.  I am brimming with excitement and glee.

I am also excited to be done with heartburn, UTI’s, L&D trips, maternity clothes, night waking to roll over (i’m ok with general night waking) and the list goes on and on!

I have officially experienced contractions. They weren’t regular, but they are painful. I can’t imagine that regularly constantly… so maybe it’s best I’m having a c-section 🙂 I’m glad I’m taking the day before off. My brain is warring between cleaning house and doing something fun. I’m hoping to do BOTH. 🙂 I’m crazy like that. I’ll probably try and squeeze some shopping in as we won’t have time after I come home. I think about this stuff all day long.

Did I mention I’ve drank 128 oz of water today? yeah I have. that’s a lot. But apparently I was really dehydrated. :S Go me! I also need to charge the camera’s battery, finish packing my hospital bag… I want to do something special for Katie, but I haven’t thought of what… at all LOL. Maybe I should pack her Hello Kitty bag with some hospital treats for her.  I know she won’t remember this very much, but really the memories are for me. I probably (most definately) won’t get to be there when Katie meets Audrey for the first time. Since Katie will probably get to see her through the nursery window and I’ll be groggy confused mommy off in some room somewhere. 🙁 I didn’t think of that before. Oh well.

Heartbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn.

I”m ravenous. I swear I’ve never been this hungry before. I want salad, and salad dressing, some of my mom’s potato salad (yum!) more J-Dawgs hot dogs, a shake (YUM YUM!) Mashed potatoes, corn, maybe a shephard’s pie? Oh sheesh.

Alright I’m becoming uncoherent. I am going to see if Scott’s desk has food. Aurevoir. 😉

Derringer Meryl [FOOD!] Out

How much my little girl is like I was when I was little. Such a ham.

Adorable No?

I (almost daily) have a panic about my c-section. It’s not really a gripping panic attack (which I’ve had before, even at work, about nothing or anything) it’s just this feeling under the surface of my skin that seems to beg me to write this blog post. My brain says “Just ask. Asking is ok!” and another part ofme that apparently has so much pride I don’t know where it’s coming from, because honestly I don’t consider myself a prideful person says “Don’t. That’s rude. Asking is rude.”

But apparently my need for panic has over ridden my pride, or even a sense of prudence. I dont’ know who reads this blog (well I know who comments, and I know my lovin’ mom reads it– cause she’s sweet.) but I’m panicking about when I get home from the hospital… then what?
You’ve heard me mention that I want to freeze up some food and keep it. Good idea! haven’t done it yet. Will probably do it late June.

My biggest fear is… my stairs. Dumb thing to be scared of? quite possibly. Some patients are told by their doctors to not use the stairs at all. That leaves me either upstairs all the time, or downstairs all the time. (Though techically I’d have to use the stairs to get downstairs.) I’m afraid of 6 weeks stuck alone in my house with Katie and Audrey (or as of yet unnamed baby Boy. I keep having dreams it’s a boy.) really when I think about it, that fear is PRETTY unfounded, because even if Scott doesn’t take work off, he’s still at home during the day, I didn’t have him run and do so much for me at night as I did during the day… But I know Katie needs to get out and do stuff, and I know Scott will be pretty exhausted from work/being a new daddy again SO, if anyone feels the need to help, and you think “Oh she’s probably not needing me coming to stare at her house and her nursing 24/7, and that’s just weird” and you want to help but you don’t necissarily know what to do? Please just come play with my Katie. I’m scared she will be lacking attention and all the fawning she’s used to and will be intensely jealous. Come and get her and her little red wagon and drag her around the street, or come and take her to the park which is like 2 minutes away– Take her to Costco with you when you run to get milk or any other quick chore that you don’t mind extending a few (haha, or a bunch of) extra minutes.  Play a puzzle with her in her room…. whatever. All of these things, GOOD THINGS!

I realize everyone in existance can’t come over and help. If you can, please do. I don’t care if y ou even do anything as long as I get visitors. I was very lonely when I had Katie, but Scott was at work more and I didn’t have a two year old, and I didn’t have … STAIRS.
I am planning (hopefully) to nest downstairs with our TV, our lappy and a sturdy surface for holding things (ie food, drinks etc) I remember there were often times that I fell asleep nursing Katie on our couch. I plan for this to continue. Laying down is too hard at first. sitting up in a recliner or on a couch is the way to go!! 😀 I’m excited to have my baby. I’m nervous, I’m nerve-wracked, It’s weird to think it’s only 2 months away!! (or less if I go into labor!!)

I’m so enthused! I feel like I might actually know what i”m doing this time! I’m nervous because it might all be completely different!!

Derringer Meryl [Nerves] Out

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out