Undone

I should be doing my homework, but i’m distracted– thinking to myself about things. About my job and getting another and whether I should or not, and how i’m being a drama queen about it.

Mostly I’ve been thinking about how well i’m known for knowing love. I let my friends read some pieces of mine about love. They said it was great, said that i nailed it on the head. I suppose there’s so much more room for exploration of the sensation when you’re trying to figure out what about you is unlovable. Why you keep getting turned away from the opportunity to love. Every time, I knew i was setting up to fall. I knew the guys weren’t interested. Even when they said they were. They didn’t seem to be at the same place i was. The place where you think about someone and how you want to make them happy nearly every moment. (which i can vouch for being very distracting) and you just… want to be there with them. And I feel lost in all of this. Lost in the fact that Scott likes me, even admits to loving me. I’m shocked. Not weirded out or freaked out. I”m just lost in the sensation of being loved by someone who isn’t family. i just… dont’ know. I don’t know how to feel or move or act. I sorta feel like a deer in the headlights. A very giddy and smiling deer, but all the same.

The Mouth said I was all giddy and smiley today. he said it’s much more fun to work with me when I’m like that than any other time. Guts Agreed. Guts added that he wanted to meet the guy, and was willing to pay $150 in excess tips to get him to deliver a pizza to his house. *smiles* I laughed. I may have to tell Scott about that. Even though I think he may be reading this right now *shrugs* all the same, I think of Guts like an older brother. I’d really like to go get some coffee (or hot chocolate in my case) with him, so he can tell me some of his stories. I don’t think he knows how much of an ego boost he is to me when he tells me he likes my writing. Honest. It makes me very happy.

Makes me wonder when we’re gonna do something again (Scott and I)…. Blah, and as I think about that, it reminds me that i have a pile of homework that i need to do …. so off to work I go.

Until … well, later.

Derringer Meryl [Good day]

Feeling the pressure of other not so happy things happening in my life right now. I guess it’s the after Christmas sting. My family could use me to give up the ghost at Gamestop and work some place that pays me decent…. oh and works me decent hours. It’s just hard to find a job late at night, ya know? Most REAL jobs are during the day. I think i’m just gonna have to stick to school until after finals, find a real job, and work Gamestop and a real job at the same time. There just is no winning. I don’t like feeling the stress of needing money. If I wasn’t so sold on the whole society thing, i’d be a hermit and not need all of this crap.

It’s hard. Really Really hard. I haven’t saved a spec for college next term. I haven’t focused on anything really. I need to do something, ANYTHING to make up the difference. If I could, I’d work at a restaurant, but most places won’t hire me yet. I’m not twenty-one so I can’t work for them yet, as far as I know. Besides, I would have to ask Gert to make my schedule stable enough so I could actually get another job. Then there’s the question, when would i have time for me? Two jobs and full time school. Ick. I’d pretty much be cutting out any time i could spend with Scott or anyone else for that matter. Besides the fact I don’t know when I’d do my homework. *sighs* I can see the option of taking up sunday work at work, then i could get one extra shift in a week.

But…. I really don’t want to do that.

Blah. Onto other things.

Like happy things. I went to see Marco today. He says it’s nice to see me with a huge grin on my face. I have to say that it’s nice to be grinning this much. I like the reason that i’m grinning too. 🙂 I’m waiting to do my homework until later on tonight, i’m such a procrastinator, so i can talk to Scott while i’m doing it. 😉 it’s just so much more fun to do things when i’m talking to him, it’s funner just being around him. I smile and I talk, and I say things… and i’m just giddy that i met him, and that i know him. He’s different from anyone else i’ve ever met. It makes me smile, just thinking about it. Sorta makes all the bad things go away in life. It’s really … really…. nice. It’s wonderful. I don’t think i know words for how good it feels. 🙂 I definitely want to spend more time with him. Normally i’m a pretty shy person, but when i’m with Scott, i just feel like i don’t need to be. Like it’s okay.

Like I’ll be okay.

Anyway, I have a lyric Spew, I may have already done this one but i’m not sure i care. It’s Postal Service Which is one my favorite bands, groups, whatever. I’m not sure what they are. *nods* but this is their song Such Great Heights.

was thinking it’s a sign that the freckles

in our eyes are mirror images and when

we kiss they’re perfectly aligned

and I have to speculate that god himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like

puzzle pieces from the clay

and true, it may seem like a stretch, but

its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

head when you’re away when I am missing

you to death

when you are out there on the road for

several weeks of shows and when you scan

the radio, I hope this song will guide you

home

they will see us waving from such great

heights, “come down now,” they’ll say

but everything looks perfect from far away,

“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your

machine but the persistent beat it sounded

thin upon listening

and that frankly will not fly. you will hear

the shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding

you home

Anyway, i’m flipping through some job ads, so I better keep my mind on that for a while. I might start my homework at nine or so, maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [No Body Else] Out

Oh Clay Aiken, the things you do to my brain. You make me think when I’ve taken Nyquil. Shame on you.

Right, So I was supposed to work three hours tonight, but I came home early on account of me feeling like crap. Which was Okay. Guts bought me some root beer (a whole six pack, he’s so nice to me) and I came home and took some Nyquil, and i’ve been out like a light since.

The Mouth went out Drinking tonight. I shouldn’t be so concerned about it. But I am, what can I say. Just like he worries about me following the Monkey around like a puppy, i worry about him picking up on Lesbians. I don’t know. I think mine has more room for concern, but… still. Being out drunk seems like a bad idea, especially when he’s sick like he is. (Thus the reason i’ve been feeding him soup, he refuses to take medicine… it annoys me. at least he’ll eat the soup though.)

I’m pretty tired. The Nyquil is kicking furiously at my system, telling me to go to sleep. Maybe after I read some homework– then I can go to sleep. I just want to get some work done first… right. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Sleepy Meryl] Out

First off, it’s not quite time yet,but i thought i’d spring this out early Happy Birthday Monkey!!!! With that said, I’d like to continue on with a rather interesting issue I was discussing with myself earlier. 🙂 Not that Monkey isn’t the bestest guy friend ever. Er. I can’t say that, i have mostly guy friends. Um…. The bestest ex boyfriend ever…. were we dating? I don’t know. Sheesh… i’m stickin’ with that one though.

So you can see the image that i put on Monkey’s card that has a story behind it. that’s Chii from the anime Chobits. I love it. It’s a complex esosteric storyline that i couldn’t explain to you if i took the time, which i’m not because i really should be in bed so i can wake up early tomorrow and not die from it. 🙂 Right. Story.

Well see, Red and I, we’re Chii. we both think she’s pretty but luckily there’s two of her. A dark Chii (Red, traditionally) and a light Chii (me, of course!) Now in Chobits one isn’t evil and one good. Nope. One is simply older than the other so the older one wears darker clothes (i’m older than Red, but that really has no meaning here.) So… Yeah. This Chii pictured above looks … vulnerable. Scared (just a little), but mostly she looks incredibly sexy without being slutty (there’s a thin line)

Now, I admit. I’m not going to wake up asian. I’m not going to wake up with blonde hair. I’m not going to wake up with bigger boobs or smaller thighs and a trim waist. I realize that most of these things are rather attainable, except of course becoming asian…. though some people seem to think that I look asian anyway– Hm. But see, it’s like how sexy she is comes from within. I want that. I want to capture the innocence that seems to leak from within. It’s frustrating.

I guess my main flaw is the fact that all i do is look at other people and say to myself “I wish I could be like that” or “I wish I could look like her” I’m spending my life wishing i was someone else instead of enjoying me.

Now if i only knew who I was to enjoy… if that makes sense.

I gotta love myself — otherwise i’m going to spend my life wondering why anyone does, or doesn’t.

I wonder if there is some balance between a guy who thinks i’m beautiful and cute and entrancing, and a guy who wants to jump me. Oh, and a guy who hates my guts. I so very much wish to find him.

Derringer Meryl [Needing some balance] Out

Sorry for the lack of… saying things. I say things, but recently they’ve been really short and choppy, and i’m sorry for that.

It’s really a bad habit, But i’m guessing frequent short updates are better than none at all, like some people have obviously become in favor of….. *smiles* Interesting. I have a debate Tourny tomorrow, so don’t expect me to actually…. update on here or anything.

I’m taking my dragon notebook, which i have now unofficially deemed my “random romantic/fanfiction thoughts” notebook, because honestly, it’s gonna be a month or two *cough, year, cough* before I actually get done with the notebook i’m using for my journal now. When i need to voice my thoughts i usually do it here, unless it’s something really volatile, and i just need to get it out, and not offend. *nods*

See, I’m a firm believer in the fact that sometimes people say, or even just think, things they don’t really mean. The prime example would have to be “I hate you (insert name here)” I know this from personal experience. I’ve only hated two people in my entire life. My first boyfriend, and Al Gore. (Al Gore is just a running joke, i don’t really hate him. I’m not politic-y enough to care.) Which i might add is why I should judge Impomptu tomorrow and not… uh– what ever it is that’s all politic involved. I don’t do that well. I’m a pop culture girl. Not Current Events girl.

Which might be why I’m more of a diva than anything. *smiles* I know more about biology than I do government, and I know more about the latest diets and their effects on the body than I do left wing beliefs. In fact, I’m not sure what left wing is. I’m sure The Specialist is ashamed, because he knows everything.

I’ve come to learn that everyone (but me, which makes me nobody…) knows stuff about government. See, the thing is, most people pretend to know stuff, and they make it up and sound really impressive. I, don’t. I can’t. I don’t know stuff to make up, and I’m not very good at lying. I joke, I can do sarcasm. I don’t lie. *shrugs* It’s a gift from God. I promise you in the long run, being lousy at lying, is a good thing. 🙂

Debate Tourny. I’m going to be better than all of those lousy judges I ever had. I hate them. THey all sucked. They all hated me, and i have no idea why. Though I can guess why, want to hear? I knew you did! I didn’t suck up, I didn’t dress like a slut, I didn’t try to appeal to their conservative ways– i went for the laughs. How could I not? So maybe they didn’t get my jokes, since they were in their thirties and fourties. So what? I had fun. I got a really nice thing to put on my College Apps…. and I was social. It was some kind of law. You pack fifteen or so kids on a bus, and they talk, and sometimes they fight. Most of the time they fight.

I can’t tell you the number of times I got called a bitch (with various words to accentuate it) but I can tell you that most of the time it was from my own team. I didn’t fit in there either. I was too religious. I was too strict. and I didn’t take a stand on politics. *shrugs* I’m liberal, I guess. I don’t know. If i knew, then i’d be informed, and I’m not, as we’ve already covered.

*nods* I’m going shopping/stalking with Sakura after the tourny is over though. So that makes me happy! Even though I don’t have any money, it’s still fun to window shop! 🙂

Anyway, i better go and sleep. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Excited, oddly] Out