Undone

Scott FINALLY (as in we’ve been waiting since late June) got approved to get a pump. It should be here monday. We are both metaphorically doing the snoopy dance. I’m glad he’ll get some good sleep before i go back to work and that I won’t have to wonder if he’s passed out from getting a sugar low. he’s happy that he gets to feel human again instead of what passes for human when you have to shoot up insulin at every turn.

I’m not looking forward to this week being my LAST week out. I would take the month of September too if I could, but unless 2 paychecks worth of cash suddenly drops into our laps, it’s not going to happen. Oh well. I’m grateful that I got more time with Audrey than I did with Katie. I’m also grateful for the time I”ve got to spend with Katie. She’s not potty trained by any extent of the mind, but she does ask to go Potty on occasion…. which is a milestone. I’m not going to push potty training on her any too fast. It’d be nice not to have to buy diapers… but I don’t have the energy to ask her every 20 minutes if she needs to pee.

Mom’d!

I’ve been watching The Guild online, and immensely enjoying it. I told Scott I think Felicia Day is hot, which she is, however I immediately followed it up with that I think I’m pretty dang awesome too. In case you don’t follow Biggest Loser Friend Edition, I’m doing fairly well on my weight loss. I think so anyway. I’m feeling good about it.  I’m also trying to be good about my intake and what not, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to do what I can. …

Which brings me to the addiction I don’t want to admit I have. Diet Coke. to be specific, I like fountain Diet coke the best, where it’s fizzy but not bottled fizzy. For some reason the maverick near my house has CRAPPY diet coke. Don’t ask me why. It’s horrible. I have to say that the Wendy’s near my house has the BEST diet coke. I try to see how long I can go without one… it’s hard. I’m not addicted to the caffeine, but I just love the taste and the fizz. Scott thinks I”m crazy, and i can see why. I could drink anything I want and I choose one of the only things he CAN drink, it’s boring. Though I will heartily admit that a creme soda, or a fruity soda is my fav, Raspberry or strawberry preferably… but those are hard to find. A local eaterie has red creme soda, and I die nearly every time I eat there. I race the take out guys (I do this every place I do take out actually) to finish the drink before they can get my food so I can have a refill. Other places like Beans and brews I try to pace myself so that I don’t drink it too fast, try and savor it… it’s still usually gone by the time I hit the freeway. Dang it. I wish I could get a 44 oz raspberry creme soda. I think next time I do a grocery run I might snag some raspberry drink and coffee creamer and see how that works (liquid creamer, small since it’s a test) If it works well, then maybe I can wean off of the diet coke. I find that now days I can go w/o eating, but I MUST have a drink…. not that I starve myself… I just would rather drink than eat. Weird right?

I should probably be sleeping since katie is napping and audrey is passed out… still. I will need to get Katie up soon so she doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night…. also I have to stay awake to make sure Scott gets to work on time.

Did I mention our cooler died? it did. No good. It still blows air, but it’s not cool. we’re thinking the pump is kaput. we’re going to look into it tomorrow… hopefully! I don’t think i can last ALL day w/o a cooler! Lorna has offered a window cooler if we don’t get it fixed though. So here’s hoping.

I went in for my 6 week appt, all was well, Dr said everything looked like it had healed really well. No offense to him, but I don’t think he was as good as my old OB who was apparently SO magic that he couldn’t even see the scar from my section with Katie. I dont’ think I’ll have that problem this time. It’s not ugly, it’s just not invisible.

My Twilight book has now become so worn from readings/Katie Beatings (that is the beatings Katie gives it, I don’t whack my daughter with a hardback book. Or really at all.) that the cover is coming off. 🙁 No not the dust Jacket. While I enjoy dust Jackets, I mean the hardback binding is broken, and I hate it. Scott is hating having to read it, I put forth a valiant effort IMO to like his book. It’s not my kind of thing, but I found things about the book to discuss with him. I’m trying to draw him out on discussing Twilight as his only statement so far has been “All the men are written like women and it’s clear she didn’t get any masculine input regarding the characters. I know she at least talked to her brothers about the cars, so there  😉

Anyway. I think I’m fairly unapproachable about twilight criticism. I don’t know why it’s one of the few things I feel really passionate about. Worry not fair people. I soon will have a new favorite thing (not unlike Xena, Buffy, and now Twilight) and you will all be released from hearing me blather on about it.

I’ve been toying with the idea for a book myself. I also have been toying with theidea of getting a journal so I can flesh out some of the characters. The only problem is all I have are villains, and no hero. Maybe they can be antiheros? Mmm. maybe not. they’re just unique villains. Maybe it’s not really a book idea at all… just characters I keep in my head.

At some point I’d like to be published. You know … not just internet-I-run-my-own-blog published. Like really write something and have it be published and make money. I would write just about anything… I’d write in a magazine, an online magazine, a collection of short stories, a novel, a comic book, a movie, whatever. I would love to write. I haven’t really written anything since I got married. I’ve even had a hard time blogging regularly… I suppose I think i don’t have much that is interesting to say…. However I do like hearing myself talk.

Derringer Meryl [annoyingly so] OUt

Don’t ask me about the title.  it popped into my head.  I figured why not.

I am going to be a mom again on July 2. It’s freaky! Only a few more days. I’m scrambling to get some things done. Such as my dishes, get the garbage out, clean house, get some entertaining TV in order (for Katie or me, either one.) I’m kind of worried about Katie’s reaction. She has been increasingly excited about babies. For example we saw a tiny little baby boy at church and she would not be quiet about it. She was standing in the aisle (as she is prone to do) and pointing “BABY BABY BABY!” of course she wasn’t quiet doing that. She loves babies. I hope she’ll love Audrey.  She has been very cuddly since the incident last week, and loving. I have to say that her stage right now of being lovey but sometimes independant is wonderful. I am afraid of the 2 weeks following my c-section when I won’t be able to lift her. I am trying my best to condition her now that Mommy can’t carry her all the time. I am also trying to carry her when I feel like I can (for as long as I can) because I know I won’t be able to soon.

I am excited for a tiny baby again. In some ways it’s going to be fun. In others, not so much. I remember recovering from Katie (when it was just me and Katie) and that was hard, so I imagine with a toddler it’ll be more interesting and more hard.  I am brimming with excitement and glee.

I am also excited to be done with heartburn, UTI’s, L&D trips, maternity clothes, night waking to roll over (i’m ok with general night waking) and the list goes on and on!

I have officially experienced contractions. They weren’t regular, but they are painful. I can’t imagine that regularly constantly… so maybe it’s best I’m having a c-section 🙂 I’m glad I’m taking the day before off. My brain is warring between cleaning house and doing something fun. I’m hoping to do BOTH. 🙂 I’m crazy like that. I’ll probably try and squeeze some shopping in as we won’t have time after I come home. I think about this stuff all day long.

Did I mention I’ve drank 128 oz of water today? yeah I have. that’s a lot. But apparently I was really dehydrated. :S Go me! I also need to charge the camera’s battery, finish packing my hospital bag… I want to do something special for Katie, but I haven’t thought of what… at all LOL. Maybe I should pack her Hello Kitty bag with some hospital treats for her.  I know she won’t remember this very much, but really the memories are for me. I probably (most definately) won’t get to be there when Katie meets Audrey for the first time. Since Katie will probably get to see her through the nursery window and I’ll be groggy confused mommy off in some room somewhere. 🙁 I didn’t think of that before. Oh well.

Heartbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn.

I”m ravenous. I swear I’ve never been this hungry before. I want salad, and salad dressing, some of my mom’s potato salad (yum!) more J-Dawgs hot dogs, a shake (YUM YUM!) Mashed potatoes, corn, maybe a shephard’s pie? Oh sheesh.

Alright I’m becoming uncoherent. I am going to see if Scott’s desk has food. Aurevoir. 😉

Derringer Meryl [FOOD!] Out

Usually, I like to keep my mouth shut about Scott’s scary diabetic things. Mostly because i think it’s embarassing for him, and because it’s quite really not anyone elses business.
But being a hormonal pregnant woman, and being (overall) quite proud of myself this time calling to get assistance.

First of all, let me tell you, I am (and still can be) a diabetic moron. Most people are. For example, I, like most people, used to think “OH he has low blood sugar, let me give him insulin” as if Insulin is some sort of diabetic neosporin and it just makes them feel all better. NO. It doesn’t. Low bloodsugar means he needs to eat, high Blood sugar means he needs insulin. Scott feels sick (as do most diabetics) with high blood sugar. Low blood sugar means non responsiveness, and overall turning into a cold sweaty frankenstein’s monster. Scott doesn’t remember what happens often during his Low blood sugar episodes. This time his sugar (when I got home from work) was 30. I recalled what had happened last time and the operator from 911 had encouraged me to get Scott to eat something. He did this time, however it must have been far too late, as the next two blood draws gave me readings of 29 and 28.

So while all of my insides are going “OMG! my husband is dying right here in my bed, WTH am I going to do?” I have a toddler who is telling me about her blankie and mickey and hello kitty etc etc etc. Luckily for me, DQ hadn’t been feeling good that day, and had came home. I felt bad (only a little, as it was an emergency) waking her up from her nap, to watch katie while I tried again to revive Scott. (BTW< she put really cute braids in Katie’s hair while watching the simpsons. Katie probably didn’t even know there were paramedics upstairs.) Finally it got to the point where I knew i couldn’t do it myself (since I didn’t know where the freaking glucogon kit was, and the operator even asked if he had a kit to use in cases like this. As a note, i do know where it is now.) I was lucky that I knew where his blood testing kit was. Without that I would have been stuck pretty much panicking. Every time I stuck him he got pretty much stuck twice since the first stick never seemed to hve enough blood. Poor guy! Anyway. I called 911, the operator helped me through and I remembered the commercials where the mom is just hysterical because her baby is not breathing, and did my best to keep calm and answer her. I admit that my voice broke a couple of times, but I didn’t cry this time. I opened the door for the police and the paramedics, and made sure Scott stayed breathing. I would say in under 5 minutes I had a total of 6 burly men in my bedroom recussitating Scott. They had me make him a PB sandwich (which he didn’t want, but we got some other food in him) I was aware that they’d have me make him this, Midori made it last time as she was in the neighborhood helping me out.

Scott is fine.  He was fine within 10 minutes of them getting there. They’re pros. I’m really greatful to the EMT’s and the police that showed up to help.
I have always had this unfounded (previously) fear that I would come home (even as a kid) and find someone splayed out passed out at my house. I am a pretty anxious person. I usually can dust those fears aside with a “they’re a healthy person, why would mom/dad/brother/husband/daughter etc be passed out?” I had a lot of fears of my parents dying of heart attacks when I was in Jr high and high school, so I stayed home, as if it’d be less traumatic to be at home when it happened. It feels weird to think about it. Scott and I have always been very open about death and about the fact that he will most certainly (according to the odds of him being a man that is older than me with diabetes) die before me, that I”ll have to cope without him. it’s not a comfortable thought. I think though, it would be incredibly ironic if he out lives me. That’d teach him 😉 Seriously though. It’s scary. He’s fine. He was trying to fast to go and do some testing so he can finally replace his pump, and unfortunately his blood sugar just got too low. We won’t be trying the fasting thing again until I’m home to help him go to the hospital for the tests.

in other news. I’m still immensely pregnant. my goodness. I feel less huge than I did with Katie, but that’s really not saying much as I was the size of a house roughly with her. Audrey will be here in 13 days or less.  Scott and I are hoping for less. I oddly have been wishing to go into labor. People say “Oh why?!” but if you have a child without going into labor (a child that you carried yourself, in your womb) you might understand the surreal feeling it is to lay down, and then poof magic there’s a baby. Even my OB asked me if I was really sure i had a c-section (In reference to my scar, he says it’s barely noticable.) I said we were all there (referencing myself Scott and Katie who were all in the room.) Also a lot of moms who do not experience labor and delivery have a hard time Bonding with their child. I’ll admit, I experienced some PPD that I wasn’t expecting from the choice I made.  I would never trade a happy healthy Katie for anything, but I wish I had known better back when I was pregnant with her. This time, I again made the choice for a c-section (it was my choice, 100%) as I liked my doctor and I DO NOT like the feeling of being passed from doctor to doctor at a office. 😛 That kind of stuff is for the birds. I’m not super knowledgable about child birth or anything, but I know that this time, Audrey has her little head down, and hopefully I can dilate a little, and go into labor a little– so that I can at least say “I’ve done that.”
Derringer Meryl [Smattering] Out

From discussing Twilight. I really should.

Other than saying that, i don’t want to get into it. I forsee being more than potentially offensive.

I haven’t been as sick lately, I always think that and then the next mornign I hurl. The weird thing is I threw up yesterday. I have to blame all this vomiting on the baby, but mostly it hasn’t been so bad. I had some heavy things weighing on me, and I was struggling to talk to Scott about them, I finally did and felt way better. I always get down and feel horrific when i don’t talk to Scott about stuff. It’s just my body’s way of forcing me to communicate.

I”ve been trying to work on getting Katie less phobic of me leaving in the morning and at lunch. She really has been freaking out in the worst way. It’s hard for Scott (as her fits last forever and are very patience draining) and it’s hard on me, because I leave the house with the memory of my baby screaming her guts out about Mommy leaving. it’s been tough, but we’re working at it.

I drill Katie on words and names. Saying “drill” makes it sound bad. It’s a session of “can you say _______?” and then she’ll try to say it. So far she can say a lot of names. She can say Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad, (from here on will be fake names, but 😉 she can say your real name if you’re on this list) Squirt, Sukie, The Specialist, The Ballerina, and Wudan. Crazy right? I asked her to say Dax, she just looked at me and went back to what she was doing, I think she might have been at the end of the game, because she wouldn’t say anything again. And a couple of times when I asked her to say Sukie, she said Squirt instead. LOL

Awesome. I’m having a pretty good day. Enjoying myself. I wish Scott was having just as good of a day as me. I need to get him a special treat for dealing with a horrific Katie all day. She has trashed the basement and has been throwing fits like HORRIBLE. I am calling him now to see if he needs anything. (Haha, Katie is screaming “SCOTT” at him. It’s adorable and horrible all at once.)

I will have to think of something awesome. Maybe I’ll pick up Katie from home and take her out so he can relax.

Derringer Meryl [darn Screaming babies] out

So. Having a birthday on a sunday sucks. SURE you’re almost pretty much (and very definately at my workplace) guarenteed the day off (YAY For that) but it’s a sunday, and if you’re religious and are in a fairly religious family and have fairly religious friends… well it sure makes the day kinda blow chunks. Scott got me some AWESOME geeky amigurumi patterns. I love researching and working on crochet. The odd thing. I don’t know how to crochet. I have stupid hands. I’m pretty handy at knitting, I just need to buckle down and figure this out. I want to make some cute things. PLUS, I have a lot of cute yarn to use. I would like to make a slime first. The look like this:

Also if we have a little boy I want to do his room with dragons and knights and such… I think it’ll be cute. One of the patterns he got me was for a little dragon, so i’m excited. Hopefully I can work on getting some of these done! 🙂 Cute!

DQ (who is living in our basement now, yay!) gave me a pudding of hers for a present, which she says is a crappy present, but I say, it’s not. I was pleased. Scott and DQ really let me have it easy yesterday … which was nice. I was doing my 24 hr urine collection. I have to say, not the funnest thing to do on your birthday, but life goes on. I just need to turn that in. We watched a lot of How I met your mother, my mom and my brother called to say Happy Birthday.  Then Scott’s family came over and baked a cake, and cooked dinner. I have to say Midori did a lot of work (as well as Lorna and Qwserty)  to make my birthday rock. We had pizza and a really yummy chocolate cake. Also Midori did a bunch of my dishes, which is awesome, because I was dreading them. It’s tough to get around to stuff like that, you know?

We had a good evening, and even played a little Monty Python Fluxx. I enjoyed it. Finally I was so flippin’ tired, I had to go to sleep. I drank a TON of water yesterday, I need to keep drinking because when I do go back to turn my sample in, i have to get blood drawn. 🙁 I hate getting blood drawn. But, it’s a fact of life, that when you get pregnant, they pump blood out of you like republicans pumping oil out of alaska. HAHAH!

Katie has been completely pacifier free for weeks now. I am shocked, and somtimes I miss it. Like when she is being loud and I need quiet time.  or if she’s being grumpy and I need her to nap. She had quite the melt down yesterday, and spilt a lot of juice and spaghetti. it wasn’t a big thing. She just needed a nap really bad. I’m thinking the rocking chair needs to go back upstairs for when I have the next baby, but at the same time I’m thinking, maybe I can find a new one to get on craigslist or something. I love rocking chairs…. by which I mean recliners that rock. Sometimes you need to put your feet up and relax, and other times it’s nice to rock.  Hopefully things work out. Anyway. I had a good birthday, thanks to everyone for all the well wishing. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [crochet, why I never!] out