Undone

I get the feeling that i should be in more dangerous situations.

I don’t know how many of you have had this opportunity, but if you haven’t, and you are in the position to do so, DO IT, cause it gives you the ultimate rush, EVER!

So Yeah, I mentioned before that I got into a car accident, and while it wasn’t too bad, the guys at work didn’t know that… I went to work , and I was buying my last DVD of Slayers and I mentioned to Gert that i had gotten into a car accident, and this concern filled his eyes, and face, and it was just so….

breath taking. Amazing, Beautiful, heart-warming, and just… something that I wish I could look at every day when I feel bad, or lonely.

Someone feeling honestly concerned for me…. for my welfare. Not because they have to, not because they’re my family or something–

but because he wanted to. And that– is a very… heart warming thing to me. Just another reason why I like him, i guess.

Only two more days until halloween. I’m going to do my nails (Not acryllic, especially after all the bad things i’ve found out about acryllic nails.) and i’m busy brainstorming what would make me look more fairy-like… (I have wings, and a couple of picks i’m going to put in my hair)

Anyway– I’m off to work on various websites

Derringer Meryl [HTML by hand, massochism] Out

I did a bad thing.

Mostly, I accidentally hit another car, with my car… Erase that, with my parent’s car. I have no car. *frowns* It isn’t bad, their (my parents) car wasn’t hurt at all, and the other person’s car had a little ding in it. Nothing horrendous– but I cried like a school girl. I was/am scared to death. I still need to call the lady i hit to see what’s up. She didn’t even notice the tiny ding on the back of her car, but I, the ever HUGED mouth person, I said “IT’S RIGHT THERE!” probably from the stress of the situation. It wasn’t really that much fun…. at all.

*shakes her head* at all. So there goes some of my money from work. Oh, and there goes my brain, and my stomach– even more so than they were gone before.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed Mucho] Out

What really gives me the willies about weddings

So tonight was my friend’s wedding reception. She’s only a couple of months older than me, so it’s a little odd to see her getting married… But anyway, She was a stunning Bride, and she seemed very VERY happy to be getting married. She felt it was right, he felt it was right, so they did. Happy for them. 🙂

What I hate about weddings.

The constant You’ll be next! vibe you get from people. It’s more than likely true, that i will NOT be next. I don’t know anyone that well, or have even dated that many people or ANYTHING like that. So– No. I won’t be. And I want to know how you’re not supposed to feel really shitty after coming home from something like that. I mean, you’re alone, and the bride and groom had rooms full of people who cared enough to come see them…. and you’re about two cats from being the crazy cat lady people find dead, slaughtered by some maniac they allowed into their life because they were so desperately lonely. It’s insane!

I’ve never been popular. Ever, by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never been admired for traits, or anything like that. The people i once held near and dear to my heart as friends have become complete jerks to me. and when someone is where i want to be, i have to evaluate what i’m doing in my life to make it so shitty. And I know exactly what it is.

You’re not social enough.

Blah. I hate people. I hate sitting with people. I hate chatting randomly with people. I love sarcasm, and satire, and being bitter. I love myself that way, and i enjoy the company of people who are like that. Bitter-life-haters. People who smile too much genuinely get on my nerves, to the bitter end. There are a few of them I can stand, and even admire for how they smile even through the shitty stuff, cause i know i can’t…. heck, i can’t even smile through the good stuff, cause i’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…. and it always does right after the good stuff happens.

Speaking of my lack of sociality (or whatever it’s called… i have no clue, i’m not social, so i don’t know) It made me think of Gert. Poor Gert. *sighs* He had a crush on another girl, and …. she’s taken. *Frowns* Poor guy. Man. It must really suck to be him. And I have all these things swishing around inside of my head (Sloshing, like fine brandy…) that i wish i could say to him, and i do (Just in my dreams) that would make him feel a million times better, but i just keep my mouth shut because he’s my boss. *shakes her head* I have the worst timing ever. i’ve considered going to Dateless’ store so i could date Gert, but i’m not sure i could stand the Animeboi they have working there. He’s just so irritating…. and scary. Besides, me working there, would not guarantee that Gert would even want to go out with me. *sighs* Probably not.

He likes skinny girls. Very petite girls. I am NOT a petite girl. By any means.

*Rolls her eyes and tosses some salt over her shoulder* Meh. Week after week sucks to no end. Lost 5 pounds, (Of the ten i gained recently) but i’m captain fluctuate-y– so who knows how long that’ll last.

Anyway, I have another chapter of my story to write, so i might want to start on that. 🙂 Else wise the many shall chase after me, and I shall die in the throes.

Derringer Meryl [Dressed in Black] Out

*eyes glaze over* You know that feeling, where it feels like things are okay? School is good, friends are good, relationships in the romance area are good, everything is good–? That feeling is the best ever.

I’m NO where near that feeling. I realized that i’m going to school tonight for the first time in … *thinks* three weeks or so? I don’t really want to go back– i don’t fit in there, and being there makes my butt go numb. Blah. Then There’s Red, who i’m almost convinced is dead. [half-smile] How rude of her not to call and tellme she’s dead.[/lame joke] and i just got on my instant messenger, only to see that Monkey doesn’t seem to be feeling well either. I’m not sure, as we don’t talk very often anymore, but part of me wishes that i could get my guts in a pile and call and ask him how he is. *whispers* i just don’t want to be intrusive. Or rude, or anything.

I just want to be friendly, and i’ve come to the realization that i suck ass at being friendly. I’m overbearing in my friendly-ness and thus, it scares people. I’m like the church-lady who calls and asks you to come to church, but you look at the caller id and hide, like actually physically hide because you feel that somehow she can see you through the phonelines…..

I might be exaggerating, but i’m not sure. Anyway. I’m a worry wart, I get stomach aches from worry, but if i didn’t have my friends to worry about, then i’d worry about stupid things. I worry about Marco, Red, Monkey, Frienjamin, Dateless, Gert, Artemis, …. hell, sometimes i even take the time to worry about the annoying animeboi. I worry about my family, that everyone is doing okay, that their marriages are working out okay, that my brother doesn’t have a job, and i figure that makes him feel pretty down. I worry about interactions between my Dad and my ‘twin’ because they dont’ get a long at all.

I worry about germs, and how they can get into your body– i worry about having enough money, about what my parents think of my lack of direction… and what not. It’s exhausting, to worry about it all. But I don’t let it overwhelm me. I see worrying, as a sign of love. Worry=Care. I care about people, so I worry about them. Are they happy, are they sick, are they dating someone new? It’s not obsession, it’s love.

Derringer Meryl [piling some guts, EMAIL] Out

*laughs* so, i’ve realized, medication (as in SSRI’s) isn’t to make the sick person better, it’s to protect the rest of the world. Sorry — I just look at life the worst possible manner. I realized that today when I was watching Sea Biscuit, which I recommend to anyone who has ever encountered depression (by having it, or knowing someone who has had it..) imean, it’s just not about a horse. It’s about life. I’d ruin it for you– but i’d much rather pay the four bucks to take you. *shrugs* it’s excellent with the Tobey Maguire– and the foxy-ness of him.

It starts slow, but sit tight, it picks up momentum untill your feet are on the chair in front of you and you’re screaming “GO SEA BISCUIT!! GOOO!” and you’re fairly sure the old people who are sitting around you would be telling you to shut the hell up, if they weren’t on oxegen. *smirks* Really. Go. See it, enjoy– it makes you appreciate life.

Okay– So in response to Red’s diary listing…. I have to admit…. My emotional rollercoaster is mainly… okay IS my fault. I havent’ taken my precious SSRI’s for a damn good amount of time. I wanted to be better. I wanted to say “Hey, I haven’t taken my depression pills, and I feel like i’m on f|_|cking air!” but so much for that. And my self-esteem. For three years of my sad little life, i’ve been in and out of my therapists office, dancing around the idea, pretending, that what i originally came in for, was gone.

Wanna know why I was in there in the first place?

Course ya do! Who wouldn’t? (Okay the entire population of the united states of america doesn’t want to know, good for them.) I went because everyone but me knew that i had a problem. I couldn’t see it, and thought I was okay.

My self-esteem relied on whether i had a guy or not.

I could blame it on J. I could. I could say it was all his fault. admittedly he was my first boyfriend ever, and he took my self-esteem down a notch, or eighteen thousand, either one. *shrugs* I wasn’t “fine” before I met him, but I wasn’t depressed either.

There’s something people don’t understand. I will, and have always had, depression. It’s a chemical imbalance inside of my brain. It’s something that has to be fixed with medication…. However, because of the chemical imbalance, things that wouldn’t make a normal person want to kill themselves for, or diet, or feel worthless for…. makes me go a little off in left field. *nods*

So it’s an existing condition. When I met J, i was on an up. My emotions were fairly normal, I’d go down, but the down periods were never too long. We dated, and the ups and downs got more frequent. I put on weight, i didn’t like to go out, unless it was with him…. he controlled a lot of my life, and not by force either. I’m a naturally submissive person…. *shakes her head* anyway. After J and I broke up– well — the ups of my life got few and far between. I had my longest and deepest bout with depression ever. Ten Months. I wallowed, I hated the sun, i barely ate … and gorged, and starved myself. I shopped, like a mad woman, but it only made myself feel worse, because– I was taking pieces of aluminum to patch up my dented car. Does that make sense? I was doing the little things in my life, to try and fix something big.

I don’t know how, or what it was, but something clicked. I began to feel better. My friend Lucy (what a doll, and completely understanding person.) suggested therapy. I started to go, and then to a support group. All the girls there relied on their status with boys as what defined them. And I kept telling myself “You dont’ have that problem. You feel better about yourself now. You never depended on J to make you feel good.”

I think what hurt the most was hearing from J when we broke up the words “Look, We can still be friends, I just don’t like how serious this has become. But we can still hang out and stuff.” I remember nodding numbly into the phone. It hurt. A lot. But i had faith that he’d still be there for me. I guess it wasn’t the words that hurt so much as the next day. New girlfriend. Holding hands, kissing– like we were nothing. Like I was nothing.

So I took two years off. Didn’t like anyone obsessively…. mostly because I was– err– am obsessive about the people i like. Even platonically. I like people to know how much I love them, and appreciate their friendship. I guess it can be a little overwhelming at first– even at second. Sheesh. So when I let my guard down– and let someone like Monkey in. I said to myself “I’m going to be good. I’m not going to smother or cling or stalk or anything like that. I’m going to be a good girl.” and i focused all of my energy onto that. Being normal. Pretending like I wasn’t broken… Maybe not broken, but different.

And I don’t know why, after two years of being a single, and mostly loving it– why was I doing this now. Why all of the sudden did I unpadlock my heart and throw it at Monkey? I wish I knew why. I could give you a lot of maybes as to why i may have done it– but i know this– i wish I hadn’t. Purely because–

i’m afraid I may have ruined something.

Something so precious to me– that i’m even more scared to loose it than anything. More than my mind, more than all of the emotions I could ever feel…. because i’ve found, over the years, what makes me worth the breath of life God breathed into me, is what i put back out into the world.

That’s why I care what other people think. Because what I am is reflected in them. Sure. I do stuff my own way, I may say “I like to dress like i’m from the early ninties, and if you don’t like it screw you…” But that’s petty stuff. I can’t live life saying “This is all about me.” I’m not that kind of person.

I’m a giver. I give. It’s what i do. and I figure, if people use me and abuse me– that’s not my fault. It’s not my sin, my mistake, and I’m sure as hell not going to pay back in kharma for it. No. I’m a good girl. I do good things.

So when I see someone in pain. I want to help. I want to make it better. I want to listen, and offer what little advice I have. Because even if the little advice makes someone feel a little bit better– i’ve earned the right to live another day.

I know. It sounds– stupid. and extremely hokey. But I type what i feel. I go along with my emotional rollercoaster. I go where the wind takes me, but i dont’ follow someone else’s path without heed. I make choices, I make mistakes– and I live.

Derringer Meryl [trying to be good] Out