Undone

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

It’s like the stress and the anger– I guess everything about emotions get more and more confusing as you get older. And admittedly, I’m rather mature for my age, I got accused of being a mother yesterday. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences, and it makes me think about re-evaluating the way I dress.

Not to mention I haven’t gotten my silly Power point presentation for Literary Magazine done yet. It needs sounds and what not. *gags* I don’t want to complain but– I’m a little tired of having to do all of this. Transitions, sounds, and animations.

Really, This is getting annoying.

AND

I’m fairly sure Microsoft is intent on making me pay for their fetching product. *shakes her fist* I don’t want to pay over $100 for something I”m only going to use once. I don’t think it’s fair, I don’t think it’s right. I hope Bill Gates and his little henchmen get a nice big kharmatic kick in the butt.

I’ve reached another new dilemma. My schedule has been toned down to 3.5 hours per week. (for the last two weeks) Not only is this LESS than part time it also happens to be illegal in this state. The extra shibby thing is that I’m the only one getting screwed. My two other co-workers are getting seven and eight hours. And what am I supposed to do? I mean you have to understand that I’m an anti-confrontation person. I don’t like demanding things. I’m not good at it. I’m not good at much actually.

But c’mon, three and a half hours? That’s jacked especially since everyone else is getting more. *pouts* this is crap.

Down with Management!!!

Down with Microsoft!!

Down wtih Homework!

Hey —

Well I worked tonight. And I can say, that I truely love my job…. BUT

Tonight was the worst, I think ever.

I’m a little over emotional right now, I know that. But I’ve always hated being compared to my old boss (Alright, we’ll call her …. Tangent) She was really pretty. I admit it. All the guys were drawn to her. I feel like the ugly little sister. Like Now that she’s gone, that they need to replace her, so they don’t have to look at me.

I don’t know why they would want to look at me. I”m not the prettiest thing– but I didn’t think I was that bad. Really. I don’t think that I belong in magazines– Or anything like that– but I didn’t think– Maybe that’s it

I didn’t think.

Anyway. I’m off to drown my sorrows in — rice cakes. or something. I’ve had enough of it all. For the first time in a long time I thought about cutting myself up in the middle of my store. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the thought, or the idea, or anything. But I wanted to. Right then and there I wanted to cut myself up so they could see…. see what they were doing to me. They can’t see because I hold it all in until I come home, and I cry– and it hurts. But–

Someday they’ll know what their words did to me. I don’t know how, or why– but they’ll know that it hurt. That I knew I wasn’t as pretty as Tangent– but–

I was pretty enough for them.

Derringer Meryl [Down in the] Out

How…

*sighs deeply*

I got passed up for a promotion at work for the guy i trained. *frowns* it wouldn’t be so bad if….

If i weren’t on the outside. THey do things together, when they have free time. I know they do. Some times they forget to not talk about it in front of me, like they try to keep it a secret, so i don’t feel bad, but i know.

i know i’m not a part of them. i know that i am part of the work crew, but i’m not a comrade, or a friend.

i’m nothing more than the jerk that makes them clean the bathroom cause it’s getting gross. I’m not really anything special to them.

Just Meryl.

THey go to movies together, and have inside jokes…

and I know that no matter what i do…

i’ll always be the little match girl.

because I don’t fit. I dont’ fit in where people want me to, or where I want to, or at all. I don’t belong to a group, I can’t be labeled.

The people who are labeled should feel lucky. People may fear their lable, but they fear more the people that they can’t label. I want someone to label me. I just want …..

to belong some place.

Derringer Meryl [unlabeled] out

It’s been a long week, And it’s only tuesday

My pretty little mood swings probably don’t help at all.

I just feel like the world is crumbling around me, and no one wants to help, only hurt.

School is being a pain. So much work to do, I don’t understand how everyone else does it. I’m hoping and praying that I can graduate early. *falls down on her knees* I really am. the social aspects of school are really starting to…. *blinks* kill me quickly.

I admit, I don’t want to work at the Gamestop for the rest of my life, it’s not one of those things you aspire to, it’s not. *smiles and looks away wistfully* what I really want to do is write. I want to write for their magazine, any magazine! I might want to start my own for girl gamers. It’s really not fair, it isn’t. There is no magazines that take the time to admire all the girly ways of the gamer. I mean really. I think it could succeed. Even guys would buy it, cause they want to get their girls interested in the games that are their life, help them to understand.

I want to publish my diary and call it Dear You: Confessions to an Imagined Lover

I have ambitions. I have goals. I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, but no one has told me how to get there yet, and that’s the part I really struggle with. Do I need to go to school and to become a good writer?

Should I be a writer at all? I don’t know where to go now. Because all of the sudden I realized that I can’t teach, and that I can’t stand high school. I can’t go back. I’d hate myself for working in a place as unbearable as a High school, and if I want to kill all the students now, what will I want to do to them then?

I lack direction.

I feel like a dandelion seed, carried on the wind of lost hope and foresight.

I had my life planned, and now– I’ve gone and lost all of the planning I had.

Sometimes I wish I knew the people who read this. So I knew who I was dumping my problems on to.

Yeah Right.

Derringer Meryl [I’m just standin’ and mumblin’ and starin’ at my shoes] Out

Once again with the confusion.

But that’s what happens.

My old boss was fired for pushing an eleven year old boy after the boy cussed at him until he was blue in the face. THat’s one thing you don’t do. You decide which one I’m talking about [cussing, or pushing]

Anyway I talked to one of my co-workers about HIM, and well….. Lets say I feel better, my co-worker knows him well and can comfort me well, because he knows me well too.

Thank goodness for great co-workers. All I can say is I have been on cloud nine all day, and I have no intention of coming down until someone MAKES me. I can even be happy at school, which is rare, and totally un-possible.

I am soooooooooooo enthused, I get twenty hours of work next week, which will make a nice paycheck and very very nice for my account. *dances happy* and then….. theeeeeeeeeeen….. I want to get this totally cute skirt that I found today, we call it the morbid ballerina skirt.

Anyway

Derringer Meryl [Golden Years] Out