Undone

Can I say I’m frustrated to the ultimate?

All the cute guys surround me, and I can’t go after even one of them. Not one. *sighs* They’re all co-workers, or close friends, or going on a mission soon, and don’t want to date right now…. *sighs*

Not like I”m exactly the catch of the day. *frowns* Mom is constantly telling me I need to loose weight. It’s sad, I’m glad it’s the end of the week, I think i’ll work out all weekend and …. well …. get all buff so I can kick my ex’s butt.

For various reasons which I would rather not discuss…. *growls*

I wish my buddy were online so I could talk to him. He’s going to teach me how to flirt, and It’s hard enough flirting, but flirting well is even tougher.

*sighs*

Oh Sod it all.

Derringer Meryl [I’m a bad man] Out

*sigh*

Sigh is all there is to say. I’m irritable and mean and ….

Hopeless. Simply hopeless. Just like all those Disney characters you see, that become attached to the hero….

cept I don’t have one really.

I can see myself now, like five (or less) years from now being proposed to. I say no, and it won’t end like it does in Anne of Green Gables, he won’t wait for me, won’t wait for me, he’ll move on and find some girl who’ll say yes, and never look back.

No one waits in this day and age.

Why?

Why can’t someone say, “I’ve loved you since the day I met you, and i’ve tried to move on, but… .I know that we’re really meant to be.”

I”m like Anne, I can’t really think of anyone I like that way. No one I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with

Not to mention eternity.

And it saddens me, because i don’t have a Gill Blythe who will wait for me while I philander around the world, because the boys now days are too fickle. People have a hard time staying together for the time allotted on earth, not to mention forever.

Everyone is Fickle. Everyone.

Even me. But I know that I don’t love anyone right now. I know that i think people are foxy *drools*

Anyway.

I should sleep, I’m getting sicker each night I go to sleep later and later.

Please. I beg. Sadly I beg, Just tell me this “Pancakes and Gardinias Taste good together”

Derringer Meryl [I’m lying here on the floor where you left me]

Cry me a river

Oh No you didn’t get asked to the prom and now have to go all by yourself, OOOH the embarrassment

Get a life! The prom is so not the end of the world.

Wo as me. Sheesh, drama queen. Pathetic, I mean sure not going bothers me from time to time, but– School is for learning not for mating purposes. But to the normal hormone driven high school student that’s all high school is, a prime place to meet the man/woman of your dreams where upon you’ll get married and live happily ever after.

Yeah right.

The chances of you meeting your significant other in high school is slim. Theeeeen you have to calculate in the probability of you actually staying together long enough to actually be legally married. Not to mention you have to add in the stupidity of guys, and more than likely they just want to use you and leave you.

Not that I would know.

Okay so I do. Sue me.

IT’s not like i’m bitter! I’m really not, I’ve learned my lesson and learned it well, it’s great. I have no more mistakes to make when it comes down to dating. I made them all at once, so I wouldn’t have to make them again.

Plus as an added bonus, I learned from them, spiffy eh?

Derringer Meryl [I know who I want to] Out

Why do you do what you do to me baby,

You’re shaking my confidence you’re driving me crazy,

You know if I could I’d do anything for you,

Please don’t ignore me cause you know I adore you

I have a dilemma. Okay, It’s a really stupid dilemma. Dull really, are you sure you want to… never mind.

I like two guys. For the first time, yes FIRST TIME i like two guys at the same time. One of them is potentially bad for me, and one of them potentially good.

True to girl-y nature I’m leaning towards the bad one. Probably since I spend more time with him, but that’s all my fault i’m sure. In any case.

I was thinking about buying this for him. (For those of you who can’t see this it’s a ring from the green lantern…. he’s a huge fan)I just — It’s a bad Idea, and i’ll talk myself into a Count Von Count cake pan I’m sure.

But It calls to me. I like buying things for people. I like to see them happy. For all intents and purposes, I like buying things for other people because I get to see how happy they are, I get to enjoy it. It’s purely selfish. I’m sure.

Him– I could just listen to him talk about nothing for hours. I like it. I like to hear him talk, and I like the way the light in his eyes dance when he talks about — anything!

And– well I suppose I should tell you who the other guy is… but i can’t. Never know when he might accidentally stumble in on this diary entry and read it and and…. and… Well I’d be mortified, because when you’re friends telling someone you like them makes it all awkward.

And if the person you tell is really mature and doesn’t care or whatever and is comfortable……. You’re still awkward.

I know. I’ve told people who haven’t reciprocated the feeling.

I think the reason I don’t like to visit “datesville” as a friend of mine and I call it, is because I become clingy and I’m afraid of that part of me. and instead of fixing it I just want to ignore it, pretend it isn’t there and just… stuff it into the pit of my tummy. it works. and when I get scared that i might just start telling people on the street that i’m loosing my mind and I’ll never be sane enough to get married to anyone who won’t hurt me —

I hide inside. that way if i blurt it out to my cat, he won’t be telling anyone anytime soon.

Derringer Meryl [Punk rock prom queen] Out

Why do we have to hide all the time? I’ve noticed that we as a society are encouraged to hide our emotions and all sorts of silly things. Hide when we’re angry, or sad, or displeased, frustrated, anything that could be negative.

That’s annoying and stupid.

Take into consideration that one in ten rapes is reported. Isn’t that silly? SIlly… okay, stupid, moronic, asinine…. whatever. In any case I believe it’s because society thinks that a girl brings it on.

I have to say that I used to believe so myself. I was deluded and young, and I didn’t sleep much, or think. I’ve become now otherwise informed. Your right to say no is not taken away by the way you dress, or by what ally you walk down, or if you want to go on a date with a seemingly nice guy. You always ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say NO.

However in an addendum to that I must say that the women of the world should know that Men have out of control hormones. Seemingly nice men can be turned into odd and very scary people when their hormones take over. I heard it best said by my friend at work:

Men aren’t stupid, our hormones just misinform us

And while I would still like to believe that every man is the best, and a Prince all that…. I know it isn’t true. That may not be what they want to be.

A friend I met this past week asked me this question after writing wistfully in her journal:

Where is prince charming and why the hell isn’t he here yet?

I responded promptly: “He’s in his room drinking Malt liquor– Watching Smallville Re-runs.”

She laughed because she knew I was referring to HIM. I had to laugh as well just because I was so tired, and I thought it was next to the funniest thing all day.

Love and life don’t always mesh– not the way you want them to. Sometimes you can compromise them, and sometimes you have to choose– either way you have to make a decision, what to compromise and what to choose.

It’s your Life-

Derringer Meryl