Undone

Balance. I demand BALANCE!!

I was at work tonight. Talking to a co-worker friend of mine. Mostly about my relationships, and how apparently the entire state is on crack. I asked the guy I was raving on about in here out on a date. He said no (Of course, what else do you expect from me?) and once again added to the trama that is me. 🙁 Blah.

The whole balance thing. Well my friend was taunting me– about my whole deal with the guy who turned me down, and how i wouldn’t mind even being a controller in his hand, because I’d be near him. My friend of course had to take that all wrong. And THen I started listening to music from this total cutie from another state– he’s romantic and sweet and

Everything I want

Everything I need

Everything Inside of me

That I wish I could be–

but– the thing is, I don’t know. I don’t even know how to say it. I think there needs to be an equal balance of passion and romance. It doesn’t matter how much romance there is, if there isn’t any passion it makes it sap. If all you have is passion and no romance, you might as well be screwing a giggalo. So do you understand? The need for balance.

I’m not against telling someone they are beautiful, or opening doors, or sending flowers– But the passion– the feeling that you can’t breath when you’re around them. That their touch makes you want to die inside– That’s what I need. Both. I guess I’m too demanding.

It’s hard to do that. Find a balance. I’m not sure which I need more. At this point– The passion. The Lack of passion in my life is despicable… as well as completely disgusting. *sighs*

My friend asked me if (very embarrassed he was) I was in need of a good shag. I pled the fifth- I still do. Not because necessarily I do, but I know for a matter of fact I need a little passion. *Pouts*

Derringer Meryl [Music Gets the Best Of Me] Out

the story of me is a long and confusing one.

I freely admit that. It’s at least a novel, and it wouldn’t make much sense. Well– unless you wear tinfoil hats worried that the aliens will steal your brainwaves, but i’m getting off the subject here.

Which is how screwed up I am. Now, I’m not beat on or anything (at least not that I can remember….) and while traumatic things have happened to me, I can honestly and fully say, I have not had it SO bad in life. The thing is, not what happens to you, but how you handle it. I don’t know if i’ve mentioned that before in here, but that’s the key to life. Not how you act so much to how you react. This guy I was listening to said it this way:

“Through your life you may run into some real bastards and they’ll take you for a ride, but all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is not how they act, but how you react.”

and that’s totally true. *nods* I may not have had the short end of the stick and I can greatfully say that I have never been raped in my life, or physically abused by my loved ones. While other types of abuse have been practiced on me (mainly by the general unloving public) I never understood it’s not how bad of a life you’ve had, it’s what you’ve done with the experience.

That’s the key to how screwed up I am. I pickled my crap. Yes I freely admit (once again) I have pickled crap. I took everything that ever bothered me and I stuffed into a jar and let it set until it hurt so much. Blah. this had a point.

The thing is– this will hand you the laugh of your life– all goes back to this guy I like. Not the same I guy I ranted forever about. He’s a doll, and a wonderful guy, and he’ll make a wonderful husband to some very lucky girl. I guess I finally accepted it wasn’t me. *shrugs* I may have a thick skull, but I’ve seen thicker.

I haven’t liked him forever, just since I met him. It was like, take your breath away charisma. *sighs* hard to describe. It’s like– in my Big Fat Greek Wedding when the guy says that his life was dull before he met Toula. I wouldn’t go so far as that…. *blinks*

It’s an extreme statement. I do not negate it. Basically, he makes me excited about living and doing things, and writing, and makes me want to talk, not just listen. So vibrant and alive– funny and sensitive, and very very friendly.

I openly admit that I was very light headed the first time I met him. Still when I talk to him, it’s like some kind of out of body experience.

and I sound like some fan girl drooling over the latest boy band. *gags*

and yet– it seems like something special, in a very real way. Almost– magical.

Derringer Meryl [Sappy Me] Out

My fingers are all pruney.

I just spent the last hour washing dishes as a deal so I could come on here and update. Hee hee hee. I did a good job, it’s not my fault that everything smells like vinegar (gack).

I was thinking about my older brother (sure I have a lot of them,just to keep you guessing) he’s only four years older than me. Well… three years and six months, but I figure, what ever. Anyway, I’m a devoted little LDS girl, I’m not ashamed of it. I love my religon (Before you flame me I adhere strictly to the 11th article of faith which states that (in Lay terms) you do what you do, I do what I do, we just let it go. k?) and I know it makes me happy. It might not do that for everyone– but I know it made him happy. It was one of those things you could see in his eyes, even when he was mad– or sad– that he knew it was true. That God loves us…..

Then — I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know when he stopped believing it all– but I didn’t like the person he became. I still love him, he’s my brother, there isn’t any way I couldn’t. I just know that he isn’t — that he doesn’t

that he doesn’t feel right. He’s struggling. He’s confused. Because the rest of his family is LDS and he isn’t, and he doesn’t want to be on the outside, but he doesn’t want to go to a church he no longer believes in to make someone else happy.

All I know is that my older brother… the one who looks like my twin. The one who i’ve always looked up to, the one I strive to do everything right so I can be like him–

Can’t go to my wedding.

Sure I’m not engaged, or anything like that, hell, i’m not even dating much! But As I sat spinning in a computer chair today at the local store, My mom said: “That’ll be useful for when you move out” and for the first time really– it hit me.

I’m a grown up.

I have only a few months left of my life as a reckless kid, who stays out late and does things that are fun on the weekend, and — who doesn’t think about the concequences when they buy some stupid thing at the store. Then I realize–

I’ve been grown up for thirteen years now.

My brother used to stay out late, and made stupid choices without thinking about the concequences, and I saw how it hurt my family. How it hurt me. I didn’t like it, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that. And when he got his girlfriend (now wife, thank you very much) pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility.

I was afraid. Dammit, I still am. Because– because we’re almost twins. We look so much alike it’s scary, I kid you not. Because I’m afraid of making the mistakes he made, I became my own parent. I told myself “Is it very responsible to go out and do things with people when you have homework?” and I got better grades. I said to myself “Is it really responsible to go to dances when that big test is on monday?” and I stayed home. I didn’t need my parents to ground me, or yell at me, or remind me of the concequences of my actions.

I did it myself.

I wanted to do everything right, every last thing. I wanted to take the AP tests he didn’t, I wanted to pass the classes he didn’t, I wanted to win the awards he didn’t. I wanted to be him, and better. Every good thing about him, I wanted to be.

I lost myself while playing his shadow.

Not to mention I’m a perfectionist. It’s not hard to take the tests he didn’t, or pass the classes he didn’t– but the awards, the glory. He was an editor, and went on all the dates to all the dances.

I didn’t wish to repeat the dances– that would take away from my academic glory.

But here I am at my senior year, and the world is rushing me out into life, into the world of uncertainty where you don’t have someone to hold you hand–

and i don’t have a path to follow.

It makes me nervous. I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate from the academy of Travel and Tourism, work as a travel agent through my college years, and then become an English Teacher for a high school.

Then My senior year happened. I didn’t like High school students, the academy became much too– well lets just say it was far too challenging for the beginning classes you take. The college I wanted to go to, and wanted me, was Catholic, so that was banned by a higher authority… ahem. So here I am.

I’m going to go to SLCC until I decide where else to go. What a plan.

Derringer Meryl [Game of Life] Out

Now I don’t expect that many of you have seen Love Hina but it has the ever so classic love triangle.

Boy Likes girl

girl likes other boy

other boy totally oblivious.

I hate that. I mean, I understand it, totally, beyond all belief. I just hate the thought that you could be stuck like that. Alone while the person you pine for, pines for someone else. I live it everyday– with an added element.

Girl likes Boy

Boy likes girl, but not that way, likes other girl

Other girl likes boy, but is friends with girl.

Girl wishes to rip her hair out.

I can’t break up my friends. That’s morally wrong. I know it. I hate the fact that the idea runs through my head daily. I hate the fact that I see myself holding his hand, and being something more than just a friend– something better.

Because of the one day that happens once a year, where we all, as a human race, have to celebrate the wonderful-ness that is couples. Kill me for the love of pete! I don’t necessarily despise the holiday, but c’mon, you haven’t seen a horrid day until you’ve seen everyone at school get flowers but you.

That’s why when you’re little, they force you get valentines for everyone. They save the single person awareness when you’re really vulnerable. GAG ME! I just want to die sometimes when the whole class of girls have their teddy bears, and their roses, and their Tommy Boy scented Valentines. All I have is a blanket, which gets pretty burdensome to carry all day (I love it all the same, I sleep with it every night, or I don’t sleep at all) and a Penguin I stole from my nephew.

At least I have a Valentine this year. Sorta. I mean he’s a few hundred miles away…. and he’s probably asleep by this time at night– but sleeping is for happy people. I can’t wait to get his CD.

Derringer Meryl [making friends with shadows on the wall] Out

Things are getting interesting around here.

My Friend, whom I’ve known since the first grade, came to visit for the weekend. I was happy. She’s a great girl, but I was crabby because …. well that’s the confusing part. I’ve been super angry this … uhh … well for a while. It was fun to have her around. Went to debate, and she got to watch me lose, AGAIN! Suprise!

Lets see… i suppose I could talk about my friend. Not the one who came and visited for the weekend. My friend who took me to the dance. I don’t know if he comes here to read my journals any more…. but….

This is the man

That I plan to entangle

Isn’t he fine?

My claim to fame

Was to maim and to mangle

Vengeance was mine

But I’m out of the biz

The name I made I’ll trade for his

The only trouble is…

I’ll never tell

I don’t plan to marry him. Honest. I”m just saying he’s a great guy– and that’s what I can never say, because the words get caught in my throat, because when I get around him, I just play with my hair, and I turn into Meryl, the wonder ditz. That’s what makes me feel bad, and because i’m nervous, he thinks he’s being a bad date, and what not. But no, it’s just him. He’s so good, and he’s so…. I mean….

Wow

He’s really WOW worthy, trust me. And so i have to just sit around totally dumb and mute because I can’t express to him how truely great he is. I mean— really. WOW. It’s like there isn’t even a word that explains how great he is. How he just can make you smile by being there, how it makes your cheeks hurt because you’re having such a wonderful time.

I just can’t say it.

I don’t know why I”m on the Debate team, I can’t speak. Words have escaped me. Gone.

Derringer Meryl [Muted] Out