Undone

here must be something wrong, You don’t decide to not go for no reason at all.

And what if I did? What if I decided out of the blue one day to not go to school, just because? Or maybe work? No reason whatsoever, just because. I can do that, despite the ‘rules’ society has set, i can NOT do something if I choose. It’s not a big deal.

Okay, so there’s this barbeque at this one guy’s house this weekend. I was going to go, but then I decided it would probably be more healthy for me if I don’t. I don’t need to be all moony eyed in front of …. *gets angry* someone. Okay, SOMEONE. I’m tired of inflicing pain on myself. I’d much rather have someone else do it to me. That’s what a massochist is, I like the RIGHT kind of pain…

this isn’t it. this is the heart-wrenching-eternal-damnation-type-torment….. yeah, so i’m a little crazy, but that’s why my theme song is unwell by Matchbox20. I’m Unwell. That’s my singles (online) name. uNw3ll. Yeah, I’m sorta out there, but you wanna know what–

I’m out there, because I can’t stand living in here. *shrugs*

so I”m not going. I’m not perky (and I swear to God if you want to know the thing that pisses me off the most is being called perky!!) and I never have been. and despite my massochistic tendencies– I am not allowing cetain people to cause me to inflict more moony-eyed moron pain on myself. *sighs*

I know, I’m a freak. I over think things… Marcus wonders why my head hasn’t exploded yet– I think it would be the fact that I take more anti-depressant medication than any other teenager I know. Maybe that’s what keeps me from randomly killing my co-workers who can’t keep a bathroom clean or throw things away, OR dump their drinks.

That and Red. I’m sad. She’s leavin’ on a jet plane to D.C. tomorrow, and I won’t see her for like…. *thinks* five whole days! Kay, Red and I …. that’s the wrong way to start it. I’m friggin’ attatched to Red like a chicken is attatched to it’s feathers. I’m lonely and grumpy when she isn’t here. *sighs* dont’ tell– she doesn’t know. *laughs* okay, so she does.

She’s my best friend, and then… she’s going away to college.

That’s a scary topic. What am I going to do about college. I want to …. I want to go, part of me wants to learn and grow and be challenged– and another part of me wants to rest, desperately wants to rest. I don’t know why I … I should go. That is a statement. I, Derringer Meryl, should go to college.

but where, and why, and for how long??

Derringer Meryl [Complicated] Out

Right then– here I go, If you don’t like to read about any religion (if it isn’t yours or at all) I suggest you scoot. I’m having Religious dilemmas.

I love my church, God, Jesus, the whole bit. I’d write out a testimony, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about me… and despite the fact i’ve tried so hard to scrape every single memory of him from my brain…. HIM. I’m sure you remember. Blah. In any case, I’ve fallen again, and hard. Mostly due to my legal-ness now. It’s so hard for me to understand. I get that God wants all of his children to be happy (right, makes sense) and for me, being married will make me happy. And despite how obsessed and disgustingly sick this makes me, as far as i know right now, at this moment, I would not mind being married to HIM.

He’s not my same religion. My heart chose. and I hate it. I hate the fact that my heart is leading me someplace that I would love to go, but can’t. It’s like, there are two things that would make me happy (okay, makes sense) but they contradict each other.

Take my sadist obsession…. or being a massochist— strictly in contradiction to what I feel about the gospel. (BTW If you didn’t already know, I’m LDS…. dont’ think ill of them… Some of them are very happy people, and simply wish to extend that happiness to you. *shrugs*)

Anyway– I’m like the living contradiction girl. I love people, I think people are facinating, but I have social anxiety, I want to have a husband, but I’m afraid to date…..

I love a Catholic Boy, despite the fact that I’m LDS and can’t marry him the way I want to.

I dont’ even know what i’m talking about. I don’t even know if I want to marry him at all. But he takes my breath away and makes me feel real. Like the life i’m living isn’t just some day dream that is inside of someone’s head…. Real. Me.

It’s something new to me. I can feel every aspect of emotion– pain, love, it’s vibrant and glorious…

and i want it. I guess that’s why I want HIM so bad. Because he makes me alive inside.

I’m not sure if that’s romantic or really really scary. REALLY

Derringer Meryl [Living Again?] Out

You know, it started out like such a good week.

Great guy prospects all around. *nods* and it’s like a burn when i find out one a single friggin’ one worked out. nothing is making me feel better, and despite the fact i think drinking is disgusting and horribly wrong….

i’d like to get very pissed right now.

i know it won’t make me feel better, but i’ll forget for a little while, ya know? Like for those few hours i can be so drunk that i won’t have to worry about anything but not vomiting on my shoes….

sounds carefree to me.

and still i know it’ll hurt worse (both physically and mentally) in the morning. And it hurts–

because i could tell that he was lying. It’s like when someone can’t hide it– you can hear the pain in their voice because they’re lying, and they don’t want to– like they’re afraid….

and you can feel it. I think that’s what hurts the most, the fact that you can hear the lie…

and you want to tell them to shut the hell up, and stop making excuses, but then your realize that they’re only doing it to comfort you….

because they know what you do. What you feel is wrong. It’s sick, God hates you for loving him that way…. for wanting him to take you in your arms and hold you through the night– and nothing more.

And no one knows that he’s the only one you’ve really felt this for. That the fact that he’s lying kills you inside as the pain builds and builds until you want to die inside–

but you can’t– and they won’t let you.

Derringer Meryl [Sullen Longing] Out

I’m nervous.

To the point, to be exact, where my stomach is gurgling and gargling on a constant painful basis. I’m sure you’re wondering what i’m so nervous about…. Well i’m meeting this guy on tuesday, AND his parents all in one fell swoop. It’s like the major blind date from hell, and I have nothing I want to wear, does that make sense?

I have a closet full of clothes, wonderful clothes that are simply amazing to me– but I can’t wear any of them. This is a meeting two years in the works, and …..

I’m afraid that I’m not what he thinks I am, I’m not the beauty who is poetic and romantic– I’m not….

unfortunately in my writing [sometimes] i can appear this way The thing I am, is natural. Purely me, and simple that way. I’m not gorgeous, I’m not . . . . I’m poetic, but not when I speak– I sound like every other coarse person in the world. I’m scared, and I’m lonely… go figure. His parents already don’t like me, and … and…. i’m not the kind of girl he should like. I’m not dirty or sinful, but —

He deserves someone who wants to cook dinner just for him, and wear pearls and smile and say “Father Knows Best” I’m not that girl I never have been, but

I can’t say I lied, because… when i met him, it was the person I was. I was beautiful and honest and pure.

now– i’m a little dirty and tainted. *shrugs* I guess it’s the price you pay for living– the fact that your little white dress gets a little tainted, and dirty. I’m not sure which I liked better, not living and not being worthy, or living and not being worthy. It’s a painful thing… living, breathing… it’s annoying–

so is finding a good skirt to wear. I want to look pretty AND modest. That’s probably the most annoying thing. No one has longer skirts for me to wear. GRRRR!

Derringer Meryl [Neurotic Tendencies] Out

Okay, so I’m the queen of oddity, I know that.

But over the past few days I’ve been thinking, a lot, about the human mind. The balance we all have inside of good and evil, passion and romance, love and apathy. All of these things balance inside of us, and too much of one or the other can make us—

inhuman.

unhuman. whatever, I don’t know. But you aren’t feeling or living or anything like that if you’re experiencing too much of one thing. Balance. Man did the chinese or who ever thought of balance have it right!

Too much passion and you spoil it. The relationship, the experience, anything. Too much passion and love becomes hate. Too much romance keys you towards an unfulfilled desire. it’s really– interesting how the human mind works. How we don’t completely understand even though our existence has been long and — slow. We are some of the slowest things on this earth. We learn very little. Even the smartest person on this earth could not tell me why people do what they do.

You are not truly intelligent unless you know the workings of the human mind.

I know it seems like crap, and total…. well BS and what not…. but think about it. We know nothing or next to it, about the human psyche. How we live and move and have personality. Where does that all go after we die? I mean I know, and I only do because I’ve searched for it…. but scientifically no one can prove it. They won’t know. They don’t have balance. HA!

Guys are always wondering what girls want from relationships. Honestly I can answer that question without a moments pause.

We have NO clue whatsoever what we want. Good luck guessing, because we are too. We want an amazing lover, who is gentle, romantic, passionate, and kind. We want a just man, a quiet man, a handsome man, a pious man….. blah blah blah! I could go on forever, but it’s a matter of fact that each girl not only wants something different, it is also a possibility that she is conflicted in what she wants from a guy.

I know I am. Romance and Passion are conflicting attributes. So there. *shrugs* I don’t know what i want, but I do know there is someone out there for me.

Derringer Meryl [Someday I’ll find a door that opens, it’s called faith, look it up] Out