Undone

Now I don’t expect that many of you have seen Love Hina but it has the ever so classic love triangle.

Boy Likes girl

girl likes other boy

other boy totally oblivious.

I hate that. I mean, I understand it, totally, beyond all belief. I just hate the thought that you could be stuck like that. Alone while the person you pine for, pines for someone else. I live it everyday– with an added element.

Girl likes Boy

Boy likes girl, but not that way, likes other girl

Other girl likes boy, but is friends with girl.

Girl wishes to rip her hair out.

I can’t break up my friends. That’s morally wrong. I know it. I hate the fact that the idea runs through my head daily. I hate the fact that I see myself holding his hand, and being something more than just a friend– something better.

Because of the one day that happens once a year, where we all, as a human race, have to celebrate the wonderful-ness that is couples. Kill me for the love of pete! I don’t necessarily despise the holiday, but c’mon, you haven’t seen a horrid day until you’ve seen everyone at school get flowers but you.

That’s why when you’re little, they force you get valentines for everyone. They save the single person awareness when you’re really vulnerable. GAG ME! I just want to die sometimes when the whole class of girls have their teddy bears, and their roses, and their Tommy Boy scented Valentines. All I have is a blanket, which gets pretty burdensome to carry all day (I love it all the same, I sleep with it every night, or I don’t sleep at all) and a Penguin I stole from my nephew.

At least I have a Valentine this year. Sorta. I mean he’s a few hundred miles away…. and he’s probably asleep by this time at night– but sleeping is for happy people. I can’t wait to get his CD.

Derringer Meryl [making friends with shadows on the wall] Out

Things are getting interesting around here.

My Friend, whom I’ve known since the first grade, came to visit for the weekend. I was happy. She’s a great girl, but I was crabby because …. well that’s the confusing part. I’ve been super angry this … uhh … well for a while. It was fun to have her around. Went to debate, and she got to watch me lose, AGAIN! Suprise!

Lets see… i suppose I could talk about my friend. Not the one who came and visited for the weekend. My friend who took me to the dance. I don’t know if he comes here to read my journals any more…. but….

This is the man

That I plan to entangle

Isn’t he fine?

My claim to fame

Was to maim and to mangle

Vengeance was mine

But I’m out of the biz

The name I made I’ll trade for his

The only trouble is…

I’ll never tell

I don’t plan to marry him. Honest. I”m just saying he’s a great guy– and that’s what I can never say, because the words get caught in my throat, because when I get around him, I just play with my hair, and I turn into Meryl, the wonder ditz. That’s what makes me feel bad, and because i’m nervous, he thinks he’s being a bad date, and what not. But no, it’s just him. He’s so good, and he’s so…. I mean….

Wow

He’s really WOW worthy, trust me. And so i have to just sit around totally dumb and mute because I can’t express to him how truely great he is. I mean— really. WOW. It’s like there isn’t even a word that explains how great he is. How he just can make you smile by being there, how it makes your cheeks hurt because you’re having such a wonderful time.

I just can’t say it.

I don’t know why I”m on the Debate team, I can’t speak. Words have escaped me. Gone.

Derringer Meryl [Muted] Out

Right. Have you ever got the feeling everyone is staring at you going “OH My gosh, what a freak!”

I do. constantly. Though I have to wonder if it’s the voices I hear in my head that are saying it.

In any case– I’m a diva. I think i’m beginning to accept it. I want to be the star, twenty four seven. Well, not exactly– I want to be everyone’s favorite pet, and the girl they all say “Damn I want to be like her.” (Their words, not mine!) I want to be the center of attention.

But then I come to the realization that being the center of attention could cost a lot of …. well…. ego, pride, all that fun stuff.

Is it really worth it to have everyone in the world paying attention to you while muttering to their neighbor “That Poor girl, We should pray for her.” Honestly I thank you, you imagninary people you, for your prayers, but my obsession with you paying attention to me, does not need your little prayers.

Heh.

Okay. Now i’m talking to the voices that talk to the voices. I need much medication. *sighs* That’s not the point though. I want to be better– I want to be the super star.

I like being princess and queen and apple of the public’s eye. I just want it without the heavy pricetag the world has put on it. I don’t’ want to give up my privacy, or what little of sanity I have, or my sexuality– Or any of it. I want to be me, and I want it to be enough for the adoring masses to …. well…. adore me.

I have to go– My agent is calling 😉

Derringer Meryl [Superstar] Out

This is just a quickie- I heard this song by Blessid Union of Souls and I thought i’d share it with you.

I want to be like this for a guy, and I want my guy to be like this! 🙂 Confusing, ne?

She don’t care about my car

She don’t care about my money

And that’s real good because I don’t got alot to spend

But if I did it wouldn’t mean nothin’

She likes me for me

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford

With the charm of Robert Redford

Oozing out my ears

But what she sees

Are my faults and indecisions

My insecure conditions

And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

She don’t care about my big screen

Or my collection of DVD’s

Things like that just never mattered much to her

Plus she don’t watch to much t.v.

And she don’t care that I can fly her

To places she ain’t never been

But if she really wants to go

I think deep down she knows that

All she has to say is when

She likes me for me

Not because I hang with Leonardo

Or that guy who played in “Fargo”

I think his name is Steve

She’s the one for me

And I just can’t live without her

My arms belong around her

And I’m so glad I found her once again

And I’m so glad I found her once again

And I’m so glad I found her once again

Gazing at the ceiling

as we entertain our feelings in the dark

The things that we’re afraid of are gonna show us

what we’re made of in the end

She likes me for me

Not because I sing like Pavarotti

Or because I am such a hottie

I like her for her

Not because she’s phat like Cindy Crawford

She has got so much to offer

Why does she waste all her time with me

There must be something there that I don’t see

She likes me for me

Not because I talk like Dirty Harry

Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey

Unlike the Cable Guy

But what she sees

Is that I can’t live without her

My arms belong around her

And I’m so glad I found her once again

Found her once again

I’m so glad I found her once again

Once again

Derringer Meryl [He likes me for me] Out

There are not enough expletives in the world to express the way I feel right now.

Really Super, horridly, Bad.

Really.

This is why I hate showing emotion, cause if you do it wrong, someone could interpret it wrong, and then you have one big bad mess of emotions, and you have to deal with it, because the nagging voices in your head won’t go away until you do.

They stay until you make the pain stop, either until you’re so sugar high you can’t remember who the heck Horatio Alger is, or by running a dull swiss army knife across your wrists until the numbness of the action takes all the pain away.

I’m praying for one or the other. All I want right now is for a pint of B&J (The ever faithful guys) and to watch the rest of Bourne Identity. Ya know what, that isn’t much. Really. I don’t want to think about Our Town, or homework or anything. I just want to hide from it all for awhile. Too dang bad for me.

Right now was a really bad time to cut back on the swearing. I guess that’s the breaks, right?

Not to mention if I look at any more scholarships I’m unqualified for, I’ll die. I’m so very tired. I don’t want to do this any more. I know it’s supposed to be a test and all, but it’s like walking through a wind storm, ALWAYS against the wind. Constantly. And there’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to brace myself up against.

I need my Red.

(My momentary nickname for my friend. I don’t know if she’d appreciate the exposure of her name.)

I just want to escape the storm for a little while. i guess that was saturday, right? and now I just get shoved back in, because I didn’t do it right. I screwed it all up. Because I act all smug and stuff, but when It comes down to the wire, I don’t know anything.

And everything…. Everyone has made this painfully obvious.

I guess I get what I deserve

Derringer Meryl [I feel so. . .] Out