Undone

There are not enough expletives in the world to express the way I feel right now.

Really Super, horridly, Bad.

Really.

This is why I hate showing emotion, cause if you do it wrong, someone could interpret it wrong, and then you have one big bad mess of emotions, and you have to deal with it, because the nagging voices in your head won’t go away until you do.

They stay until you make the pain stop, either until you’re so sugar high you can’t remember who the heck Horatio Alger is, or by running a dull swiss army knife across your wrists until the numbness of the action takes all the pain away.

I’m praying for one or the other. All I want right now is for a pint of B&J (The ever faithful guys) and to watch the rest of Bourne Identity. Ya know what, that isn’t much. Really. I don’t want to think about Our Town, or homework or anything. I just want to hide from it all for awhile. Too dang bad for me.

Right now was a really bad time to cut back on the swearing. I guess that’s the breaks, right?

Not to mention if I look at any more scholarships I’m unqualified for, I’ll die. I’m so very tired. I don’t want to do this any more. I know it’s supposed to be a test and all, but it’s like walking through a wind storm, ALWAYS against the wind. Constantly. And there’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to brace myself up against.

I need my Red.

(My momentary nickname for my friend. I don’t know if she’d appreciate the exposure of her name.)

I just want to escape the storm for a little while. i guess that was saturday, right? and now I just get shoved back in, because I didn’t do it right. I screwed it all up. Because I act all smug and stuff, but when It comes down to the wire, I don’t know anything.

And everything…. Everyone has made this painfully obvious.

I guess I get what I deserve

Derringer Meryl [I feel so. . .] Out