Undone

Yeah. So, Um. Yeah.

Can I add a new stressor to my list, one that makes my sides twitch, and my stomach tie in knots, and make me feel like barfing….

Get new friends

It’s been explained to me that my friends won’t get me to heaven, but i figure God wants me to be happy,and i don’t know how being sad in the short run of life, will make me happier there. *shrugs* I plan on keeping Red, Marco, Staples, Monkey, J-bob, Gert, and whoever else might fall under the “not going to get me to heaven” friends title, as great friends, because they are. Sure, sometimes they hurt me, and sometimes I hurt them. Intentionally, unintentionally, in the end it’s all the same. It’s hurt. *looks down* Sure, maybe i should try and find a clientele of friends who don’t smoke and drink– but i thought God didn’t hate us, but the sin, and isn’t it more Godlike to love someone despite the sin?

I thought so.

Anyway. I’m going to Halo fun tomorrow, or whatever we happen to play. I want to be there, because i love my guys, despite what anyone says. And those who say, say I don’t have to get rid of my friends forever, dont’ have to toss them out with tomorrow’s trash, I just need to find more, who are running my way. I guess that makes sense, right? I wouldn’t say my set of friends is running the opposite direction, but i would say they’re standing on the side sorta… heckling. Basically, they want me to make friends who are progressing forward. I’m just not sure if I want to be progressing forward too. I mean, yeah sure, eventually, but right now? I mean forward for me consists of marriage, and babies. And that makes me eep a little bit. Wouldn’t it make you..?

If it doesn’t, check your pants. You’re probably a guy, or much older than me. *shrugs* Anyway, I have to attempt to register for classes at the institute again. I’m sorta scared to go. It’s one of those forward things. A grown up thing. I don’t know if I’m ready…. I’m not even sure if i’m ready to be graduated yet, and it’s a little late for that, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [nerve wracked] Out

Yeah, I went in and talked to the guy formally known as “HIM” (well he isn’t anymore because, he just doesn’t seem to make me feel the way he did once…. or maybe it’s because I’ve decided that i wasn’t happy torturing myself because I couldn’t have “HIM”, in any case, he’s just J-Bob now.) He’s still the same cutie he always was. But despite how cute and warm and fuzzy he makes me feel–

i’ve always been more of a one man woman…. I think that’s how I’m supposed to say it. I do miss talking J-bob on tuesdays while we worked. He was always SO nice to me. Kept me sorta… evened out.

*smirks* He loves kids and has these little dimples… and…

Nevermind.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder– i think it just makes the heart grow more bitter. Like me? yeah. I spend time away from people I enjoy, and I get …. i was going to say angry– but my therapist says Anger is a secondary emotion and that you feel something before anger …. always.

i feel… sad. I miss people. some people make me feel happy.

some people like monkey. and then they don’t ever hang out unless red is around, and then I miss them… *shifty eyes* Right. This is a time where me not talking should happen.

Derringer Meryl [zipping it] Out

I hope this lyric spew, gets through to you! You don’t seem to understand the things I say. Guess I’m too veiled in what i try to do.

Vehicles Shock Me, By Ghost of the Robot

So you caught me all alone
Did you think I’d care at all
Now I’m sittin’ by the phone
Waiting for you to call

Derringer Meryl [Listening to tunes] Out

*rubs her head*

It’s fairly late, if you can’t see from above… i mean it’s not the latest i’ve ever been awake, that’s for sure, but i guess the tired-ness feels different–

weary. Definately weary. Like the all over exhaustion…. like you just want to sleep… forever, because you aren’t sure you can take one more day like this….. One more day of smiling when it hurts inside, of saying that it doesn’t, and the pressure that people put on you.

And I have to say, all i want to do is escape from it all, and i can’t. it seems no matter where i go, i carry this weight with me. a sadness without words.

and it makes me feel gross inside that part of my brain is trying to say it’s monkey’s fault. I know i’ve been screwed up longer than that. the disgusting way i feel is me. It’s how i feel. all the time…. except when i’m with him. i guess that’s it. i’m just

a little unwell? no. well, yeah… but seriously– thinking that way sorta scares me, so i can’t imagine what it does to other people, like monkey for example…

i guess the deal is, i only know how i feel, and in the end, that’s what i see in other people … i think, if they are feeling any where near the same as me– about me, i wonder why they stay. Is it some kind of car accident, where you should look away, but you can’t? I don’t know.

*shakes her head* sorry. just a rough time right now. college pressures, my medication going bye-bye, and Red leaving for college, need to get a new job before my parents nag my head off, and something new just seems to add to the pile each week.

i’ve been uberstressed. I’ve been putting the bad vibes where they don’t belong…. *frowns and looks down* I’m Really Sorry Monkey.

Derringer Meryl [sink or swim] Out

So I went to the High School/Family Reunion. I was there for like, an hour … maybe less, and that’s fine, because I felt sorta… mopey today. mopey: to give oneself up to brooding : become listless or dejected Yeah. I’m the brood queen. I’m a poof, and what not. (in the strict sense that I’m all … like Angel)

Yeah. Uber weird day. I don’t know how to explain it but, total drain on the brain. My poor friend who had her b/f committed, came into work crying her eyes out, because her boyfriend’s mom just ripped her to shreds. She was always a really laid back girl and now things like this are happening to her.

I don’t know where she got the bad kharma… but i feel bad for her.

*sighs* Then there’s me. I tend to focus on me, a lot. Especially in this journal, but then i figure, it’s my journal…. DUH! *shrugs* Red’s leaving at the end of the week. Makes me sad. *frowns* She’s my doll. One of the two people i’m currently addicted to, and she’s going off to college, of course she’s mainly focusing on her boyfriend, and what he thinks about her going off and exploring the wide world of… University. I don’t blame her. I’ve been in the happy place where all there is in the world is you and your guy (or if you’re a guy then you and your gal…. or if you have alternative lifestyles… whatever, you get the picture.) and you’re happy. All the time. *sighs*

Then, after that month of happiness is over, you get sad and dejected. Until you move on to the next person. *shrugs* I guess. I miss the happy. That’s why bitter people hate happy people, because they want to be them. Want to smile and feel that joy inside of them…. but instead they feel empty and cold. Nothing feels quite right without the other person.

and you end up trying to fill your life with something else…. like scrubbing carpets, or writing witty but unrealistic stories. *laughs* Okay. So I fill my hours with that kind of stuff, and yeah, it is because i’m pathetic…

don’t TRY to talk me out of it… i am, pathetic that is, i’m brooding over *shakes her head* I’m brooding because Red is in a relationship, and i’m not. Beyond that, I don’t have any DESIRE for her relationship (ie the guy she’s with) but i want one of my own.

Like i’m going to find it in my parents basement. Right. *spaces off* I just want to live– and my quality of living my life isnt’ school or writing. I know what i want.

But see, I’m not lucky. I don’t know what it is that all the other girls from my school have (or at least a good portion of them) that I dont’. The capability to have a relationship that lasts… Like my friend Bob, she and her boyfriend (Yes, her name is Bob, we call her that… her name is TOO popular to call her by it.) have gone out two years now. It’s maddening. My Friend Scarlett and her boyfriend have been going out for three…. *sighs* And I score the record high with nine months. And he didn’t even take me on a date.

Jerk…. *sighs* I’m pathetic.

Derringer Meryl [never look back] Out