Undone

You are… YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME. Time heals all wounds… but you know better.

What Jewel song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love Quizzes. I got this one off of HPgirl’s Live Journal *smiles* I’m no good with quick names. She mentions everyone’s real names in her Journal, but I sincerely don’t think she’s ever mentioned me. That’s okay. You wouldnt’ know anyway, right?

I need to add a little banner for her on my little side bar there. *smirks*

I’m still here, all hurt and what not. I really hope my foot feels better by tomorrow. I have a stint at work, and while I’d enjoy feeding off their sympathy for me (honest, I’m an emotional vampire, and it feels nice.) i’d rather not. I prefer concern, as other things seem to not satisfy the craving as much. *smiles* I’m a bad girl for manipulating people so…. but how can you replace genuine concern for someone, it’s a rush, I tell you, A RUSH! *blinks* And I couldn’t sound more like a psycho, could i?

Maybe, but it’s not something i’m trying for, at least right now. Wudan didn’t come to get his son today, his wife did, so it was a little weird. I thought i was still asleep… (as I have been for most of today) Blah. I needed some information from him on a job for Marco. *Frowns* Poor Marco. *smiles Nicely* One of my bestest friends ever.

Oi, Now I remember what I was going to write about! FFX-2 the first Final Fantasy Sequel ever! oKay, I must tone down the exclamation points, but i’ve been playing the demo today, and the fact that you can make the characters dress up like Pop-Idols and sing to kill the monsters (well sorta, sing to cast spells, they can’t actually kill the monster… which is quite annoying…) is very very entertaining to me. I have to get used to the Active time Battle again (oi, it’s a bit of a pain, especially with gun slingers…) And I’m glad it’s got strong female characters as role models for little girls…. (and as Eye candy for grown up boys. I know how it is, I work in a fetching game store…. I am eye candy.) I just wish more people would realize that even Rayne (from Blood Rayne) could be a good role model for children. She doesn’t take none of that NAZI crap! She’ll suck your blood and use you as a shield, yo! *smirks* Okay, maybe not for really young girls, but for girls who are in their teens and are having problems with the Male Pigs out there in the world. (as I did) You’re not ANYONE’S stepping stone, baby-maker, or dinner cooker. You do what you want… if he wants food… he can get off his lazy butt and do it himself. Let him miss five minutes of his precious hockey game, or quality television like “Debbie Does Dallas”

Honestly. I’ve run into guys like this. I worked with guys like this, I serve guys at my store like this. It sickens me. I’d rather vomit on their shoes than sell them a game i know is serving as some sort of sick subsitute for a girlfriend. (And i mean the sickest kind of substitute…. some of those games do NOT come back looking pretty….) *shudders* I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. The programmers in Japan, are very lonely lonely men. LONELY

Derringer Meryl [Enemy Inside of Me!] Out

I’m a conflicted little girl. (I was going to say git, but whatever.) I’m just all, here, and then i’m all, there, and it’s getting really annoying.

I gave monkey the ring he made me back last night. *shrugs* I don’t know if he even noticed, but i felt much lighter. I’ve decided to just give in to what he wanted, which was a professional working relationship. I don’t have that kind of relationship with the rest of the guys at work, but he wants it…. so he’s getting it. Oh, and is he going to get it. *eyes begin to well, lip trembles* i felt better though. I honestly did. I was icy, I was platonic, and there was no emotion behind my actions…. unless you count hurt, and pain. *bites her lip* but it’s my own fault. and that’s that.

I did this.

And I”m a permanent life time member of LDSmingles.com now. It’s really fun, and exciting… but every time I meet someone, i’m constantly going “Oh, Gert does that!” or “Gert would find that pretty funny.” and it’s basically what my mind focus’ on now days. *looks down* I tried to get transferred to Dateless’ store (Who in relation, is apparently not so dateless…) but he said Gert would have to approve it– and so I’m back at square one. I mean what am I supposed to do? “Can I switch stores? Because Of Monkey, and mostly because I like you, and i want to see if it’s just a proximity crush, and if it would really last, and if you’re even interested at all… That’s why i’d like to switch Gert”

How about, NO!

There is no way that I, completely sober and ready for work, would say that to Gert’s face, or even over the phone…. or even like to a facsimile of him. I dont’ think so. Not now, not ever. I’m too…. what’s the word… stupid.

*sighs deeply* and I really could use some useful advice. And basically all i’m getting is a whole bunch of “I don’t know what you should do” or grunts while someone is playing some video game….

but there is no way whatsoever I’ll go back to my therapist. I can do this on my own….. With God. I can do this with God, and I won’t need anyone else. I’m positive.

Derringer Meryl [Think, Think, Think] Out

Me? Cynical and unable to stand the company of others for an extended period of time? NEVER!

I’ve been looking over the school books, figuring out what classes i need to take, what i’m going to be doing for the rest of my life. I”ve pretty much rested on …….

LEGAL SECRETARY!

I know, it’s sort of, um, anti climatic. But the Certification is only four credit hours long. Basically, while i’m taking the first one, I can dick around and take whatever classes I want. Ten credit hours of WHATEVER I want! Isn’t that the awesomest? Sure, some of it is stuff that i’m going to need to be a good secretary (that is, filing and stuff like that… 🙂 Sure, it’s not special stuff, but then i can take the psychology classes, and the Lit classes that i wanted to, but not be pressured into a major–

Give me some time, i can find the lazy way through anything. ANYTHING.

Sure, i may be selling myself short (Legal secretary? C’mon, you’re a genius writer Meryl, you could do so much more…) But I find myself sorta– dried up in the wya of poetry. All of it comes out in the way of …. really bad angsty teen poetry.

and I hate angsty teen poetry. So While I’m not going to toss any of it, I”m also not looking to be published either. Cause it sucks– and anyone who says otherwise, well– they’re trying to make me feel good…. so thanks, but I’d prefer the truth. 🙂

So on that note, i’d like to end with a poem. 😉 Oh, and this is total slam impormpty poetry…. so flame me, but once again, i’m not going to feel very badly since i know it sucks.

The icy touch
stinging
ripping
pulling my
mind apart
and it stays
buzzing
ringing
whispering
to my mind
unknown to my ears
impossible to know
what keeps it there
Insanity slowly grips my
body
as i come to realize
and loose this all
what was
never could be
facing backward
in an downward
movement elevator
and my brain
shudders
in an orgasm of thought
shaking me
violently
stopping all other action
and I SCREAM
Leaving the blood clots
on the dainty white doilies
and every time
my head fills to the brim
stretching
reaching out to you
to why
it ended
i’m back
where i ended
not knowing
but i keep reaching
touching the blood stained
walls
hoping to remember
what never was
and could only be
some deluded fantasy
my over ridden mind
produced

Derringer Meryl [The orgasm of thought] Out

Mostly, as of today, I’d really just like to get out of here,

Here being home. I would do anything to take back the bridges I’ve burned. Or– well– do anything to get out of here.

As of tomorrow, I look for a serious, grown up, 9-5 Job. And then, a serious car. and then, a serious way to get the hell out of here.

Any way I can. (well short of selling my body)

Derringer Meryl [Let me go] Out

The shame of forgetting to update my blog each day. Lets see, shall we take a run down the “HALL OF EXCUSES”? Lets.

First, I have a temp job in addition to my regular job. Hallelujah, especially since i have a full slate of college classes coming up. I’m really REALLY REALLY looking forward to that. In fact, you might say, i’m downright despising the idea– more on that later. Homework would be another good excuse. I”m trying to be better about getting it done, and like– on time for once. My story (which is going swimmingly) is also a time and writing energy sucker, and Angel, and Institute. Blah. So basically, all of the hours of the day are being wiled a way, actually DOING something other than writing in here. Makes me sad, this Journal is like my baby, and ignoring it makes me feel like some kind of ,…. mean mean person. *eyes flutter* Man, am I tired.

Yes. So Imagine this (I have you do that alot, don’t i?) that you’re going to college. One class is basically sucking up anything you’d like to call free time. That’s just one four hour class. Amazing, right? So now, for heavens sakes, you have to take twelve credit hours, and you’re wondering where the hell your parents are thinking you’re getting the A)Time and B) money to do this. I mean, sure, doing the school thing, that’s great, everyone says so…. but sheesh. The price of education, is horrid. I don’t want to go to school reallly, but the parentals say i have to. (Which i’m sure is a factor that is going to make some of your heads pop off, but if i want to live at home rent free, i’ve got to be earning myself an education.) While i’d prefer to just doing what i’ve been doing (working, and lazing about) For some reason, a college education seems like a good idea to people.

Too bad, i have no clue what I want to be when i grow up. Maybe if i did, i could actually pick a major, and work at it. *frowns*

Derringer Meryl [damn seasoned rat] Out