Undone

I love reflecting back. I love to see how far I’ve come. I know i’ve already done one of these… but– Red mentioned that we’re different people now than we were a year ago, and i’d like to give her a hardy yes.

Not necessarily on her part, but on mine.

Going away to college makes people grow up and change. You deal with bills and just… a million things. Roommates, and drama. In Red’s case, she’s been to states I’ve never been too. Dealt with a lot more than I have. It’s just that. It’s not that one of us is more mature or experienced than the other, just different types.

(In Response to her though, I knew she was considering Catholicism (sp?) and that she was reading the Bible. I keep tabs, hun.)

As for me– My Red hang out days were possibly my wildest. I mean I wasn’t flashing oncoming cars or whatever… but I was wild, for me anyway. I was zany. I was very much alive. I did some things I regret, but those were of no consequence of Red. *winks* Simply the great manipulator.

I wanted to do something bad. Something wrong. So I did things I’d never done before. They weren’t sinful. They weren’t dirty. But I don’t care to divulge them either.

I was uninhibited. and I loved it. Every moment. Feeling like oxygen was burning my lungs.

Not all of my wild stuff could be linked to Red though. My first ever (and last i’m positive) run in with Pot. (Other kids were smoking some while I was trying to write in my journal as we sluffed class. I swear to God.) I sluffed a ton of classes. I mean a ton.

I had whole days where I attended one class. Seminary. Ironic, isnt’ it?

The teachers didn’t care…. I spent time trying to figure out the male mind by reading Maxim with Red on Monkey’s Couch.

I still dont’ understand those men. My man, isn’t like them. I only know a few of those Men. Very few.

If someone had told me a year ago, as I was graduating that I would be married in the Salt Lake Temple To a wonderful man who loves me beyond all belief…

I would have laughed until my face hurt.

For the millionth time, I’m sure you’re tired of it, but i love Scott. There are no words to describe it. None in my vocabulary anyway. All of them seem so tired and over used. None of them are bright or brilliant enough to describe exactly what I have.

Derringer Meryl [Lucky Me] Out

Scott says it’s fine if I leave early from His Best Friend’s wedding reception…

I have a confession. (Scott doesn’t read on here much anymore, so i should be safe from having to talk about this again…) I have a problem. It’s a generic problem that a lot of girls have (no it’s not a eating disorder, i’m not pulling a Mary Kate) it’s more of a continuing dissatisfaction within myself, of myself. (however i could correctly say that on the whole, I usually dispise what i do, and how i look, and i’m constantly comparing myself to others.) I look to others on how to behave in most situations…. which i think can be a useful attribute. In a restaurant and you aren’s sure how to properly eat a dish, you just look around, and see how everyone else is eating. It makes sense to me.

I have to agree with The Specialist. I too have a fear of people looking at me. I wonder what they’re thinking. How they’re judging me. Usually I’m pretty good about not caring what other people think about what i’m doing (in a judgemental manner) like when i’m shopping. i could pick up the whackiest stuff and put it in my basket… and not care what the lady who is ringing me up is thinking. *sighs*

That just reminded me that I should look through the want ads for a job. *sighs* I love GS. I just want to make enough money to live in a nice apartment. I want to not stress from month to month and paycheck to paycheck. I’m fairly sure that’s just how life is, but… I don’t want it to be. I’m fairly picky. I was at the store the other day, and I realized that everyone at Macey’s has to wear Khakis, and i just thought, Ick. I hate Khakis. i pretty much hate uniforms (remembers she wants to Apply at Blockbuster, dispite uniforms, they have good benifits)

Scott and I got a new old couch yesterday. From the DI. So It’s not like we went and blew more money we didnt’ have. It’s a great couch. plenty of cuddle space. It’s much more cooshie than Scott’s old couch. I should do chores…. *sighs* So much to do. And I have work at Five, so that’s extra fun. Scott and I miss seeing each other by an hour or two. *sighs* I need the hours though, and so does he. And I admit, we see each other much more often than when we were dating. It felt like that week off from work he had after the wedding went so fast….

Anyway, work and chores beckon.

Derringer Meryl [Will DM ever update again?] Out

Chatting with Mandarin tonight i came to the stark realization of “I’m going to have to sit through an entire reception, that isn’t ours…”

You see, Scott’s best friend (whom i have no little name for) is getting married in less than a month. Scott is his best man. (wahoo!) Scott’s friend is great to him, and they’ve known each other forever and a day… so that all is grand.

But for those of you who know me, know that i do not handle large groups of people with any kind of ease. My therapist thought it would be theraputic to have me work in retail to help with the fear and panic i feel when surrounded by people… i guess it has a lot. I mean I’m not so defensive anymore. Like it used to take me five minutes and I was in defense mode (sometimes shorter amounts of time) I feel like scum though. Like I should just deal with all of that and stay with Scott. I dont’ know if His friend (and his wife to be) are having a real line or not, but if they are, its’ just tough. I mean, It’s like being in the same place as someone, but not being iwth them. What use is that? It’s like ditching your date at the Prom (I did that BTW)

And yes I felt awful about that too.

Sure, i know people won’t be mobbing me or anything at their reception (uh Duh) because it’s not my day. It’s just the hustle and bustle that i get caught up in, and it stresses me out, freaks me out, and i just get tired and I sorta lose control of myself. Not a good combination.

Like once I was at a party, it didn’t even have … like fifteen people, tops… and I was telling them to please be quiet. They didn’t listen. I told them that the next person to (I think it was) pop a balloon, i’d slap them. I guess that was kind of a warning. But I did it. I ended up slapping a really good friend of mine who (at the time) was about to go get surgery on her jaw.

I get testy. I don’t mean to. Really. *grumbles* I’ll talk to Scott about this all, I’m sure we can come to a resolution that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Scott] Out

[Songs Stuck in my head: Brick, Ben Folds Five; Brandy, Looking Glass]

It’s amazing how far you can come in a year. A year ago, I was fighting with Red, in a shaky pretty much one sided relationship (with who I still believe to be a great guy, just not for me.) I recap the depression i went through with that, and I realize that the only people who kept me moving, I haven’t had the chance to talk to in a while.

I do miss them. I miss Marco and Monkey, Guts, Mouth, Artemis, and despite my loathing of him, I miss Gert too.

For the longest time they were all i had. I dont’ understand why I care so deeply about these people, and so few of them care that deeply back for me. I consider Marco more than a friend, he’s a brother. That’s that. Monkey is possibly the best straight guy friend out there. Sure, I could talk to a girl about my boy problems (when I still had them, or had more of them) but why? I could talk to a perfectly sensible man about them, and he understands me very well. The Mouth and Guts are simply the funnest people ever. I think I wasted a lot of good opportunities to hang out with Guts. I wish I had. I miss them SO much.

*sighs* I think I miss how I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. Now it’s long distance on a phone that isn’t really mine, so I don’t want to run up the bill. I miss Friendjamin, who I don’t have any way of contacting.

I miss Red. We didn’t get to hang out much after she went off to college, and I think we both changed a lot too… I don’t know.

But I look back, as it is good to occasionally, and I don’t have many regrets. I regret Dating before i was 16. That was just a mistake. I regret spending so much time with J. He was so destructive to my self esteem, and Scott’s still working on repairing it. I regret letting my therapist manage my medication. She was wicked with boosting me to unknown heights. I mean she was good. Made me better, just by talking. THe meds were driving me insane….

literally.

Lets see. after recovering from my break up with Monkey, I was lonely. So I got what could be best described as a desposible boyfriend. I regret that in a way. I think it was a growing experience. I think it had it’s value as a relationship. It’ll help me when my daughter has to learn how to break up with someone. I’ll at least know how to do it sometimes… heh.

That boy would have married me if I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t interested. I was lonely. Makes me feel bad. in a way anyway…. Better than leading him on for years. RIght? It was sad. I have to admit i dated him only beacause I was lonely.

Very lonely.

Not so now!

I love that. I love the fact that as i’m writing this, I have a husband, and he’s at work, and he’ll be at home in four hours, and he loves me.

Do you know how insane that is?

That he loves me? I’m freaking boggled at the thought.

Derringer Meryl [Everywhere and No where] Out

so… i’ve been married for… like four days…. and let me tell you….

i love it.

sure, it hasn’t all been peachy (already) like Scott and i went on our honeymoon and got really sick. (I got throw up sick, but scott doesn’t throw up anymore… apparently) He just got an aweful head ache. So I spent a lot of time wishing i was dead because of the aweful pain i felt in my stomach. (it hurt really bad) and Scott kept holding his head saying how much it hurt. (I imagine it did, really badly)

I’m getting better about things…. like my self esteem. i can feel it boosting, it’s great. I love feeling so good about myself.

and can i tell you, walmart is a scary place on a saturday. Very scary. i don’t like it.

We got scott some pajamas… they’re super cute… Oscar the Grouch pajama pants. it was happy. I’m So happy here. *yawns* and tired. Very tired.

I thought i’d update before it got too much later. … I’d like to say thank you to all my sibs (The Specialist, Dax, Wudan) and their wives (Antigone and Sukie) for being at the Temple when we got out. Oh, and special thanks to Luke. He’s super cute, and I loved having him there. Scott’s so thrilled that he’s an uncle now. 🙂

We’ll be up in the Valley tomorrow (for those of you who live there) and i just thought i’d mention that. I love you guys.

thanks so much to my aunts and my mom for all the prep they did. I appreciate it so much. I don’t normally say people’s names on here, but if I didn’t mention you specifically, i’d feel all sorts of awful.

So thanks Aunt Linda and Aunt Verdean. You guys are so great. thank you for the help with the reception and the quilts and the party and everything. I’m sure i’m missing like fifty million things you gals did for me, but I just want you to know i appreciate what you do for me. You’re great.

*yawns* must clean off bed. Must finish list of things i need to remember from home.

Derringer Meryl [Old Home, New Home] out