Undone

Chatting with Mandarin tonight i came to the stark realization of “I’m going to have to sit through an entire reception, that isn’t ours…”

You see, Scott’s best friend (whom i have no little name for) is getting married in less than a month. Scott is his best man. (wahoo!) Scott’s friend is great to him, and they’ve known each other forever and a day… so that all is grand.

But for those of you who know me, know that i do not handle large groups of people with any kind of ease. My therapist thought it would be theraputic to have me work in retail to help with the fear and panic i feel when surrounded by people… i guess it has a lot. I mean I’m not so defensive anymore. Like it used to take me five minutes and I was in defense mode (sometimes shorter amounts of time) I feel like scum though. Like I should just deal with all of that and stay with Scott. I dont’ know if His friend (and his wife to be) are having a real line or not, but if they are, its’ just tough. I mean, It’s like being in the same place as someone, but not being iwth them. What use is that? It’s like ditching your date at the Prom (I did that BTW)

And yes I felt awful about that too.

Sure, i know people won’t be mobbing me or anything at their reception (uh Duh) because it’s not my day. It’s just the hustle and bustle that i get caught up in, and it stresses me out, freaks me out, and i just get tired and I sorta lose control of myself. Not a good combination.

Like once I was at a party, it didn’t even have … like fifteen people, tops… and I was telling them to please be quiet. They didn’t listen. I told them that the next person to (I think it was) pop a balloon, i’d slap them. I guess that was kind of a warning. But I did it. I ended up slapping a really good friend of mine who (at the time) was about to go get surgery on her jaw.

I get testy. I don’t mean to. Really. *grumbles* I’ll talk to Scott about this all, I’m sure we can come to a resolution that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Scott] Out