Undone

I think i’ve fallen in love. I know it’s sudden, but i’m pretty sure he loves me too.

It’s magical. And now, the beauty of love, as he sweeps me off my feet in a way that only he could. Romantically, slightly coarse, but it doesn’t matter as long as the real emotion is there. You know, the kind that leaves you breathless at night?

I can’t imagine a love more special than ours. How exciting. *flutters eyelashes* We met after Halo Night at Gert’s house, and ever since then I’ve been falling deeper and deeper in love. What makes it so exciting, is that he feels the same way in return. I giggle like a school girl at the thought. *hee hee*

I’d like to introduce to you, Simple Plan. LOL, yeah, i’m sure i had you going there. *Laughs bitterly* Sorry, I was channeling Eliza there for a minute or two. I’m sure you know that Simple Plan isn’t actually one person, but several people composing a band, which plays some seriously kick ass music. (As well as still romantically touching. Huzzah for them!)

I’m sure the band likes the thought that Artemis (she doesn’t like the a in her name though, never call her that. Grr.) from work has talked me into thinking that Simple Plan is positively the best band EVAH! I believe her. Seriously. Cause she and I think a lot alike, and actually get a long which is shocking for a girl and I to get a long. I swear I’m like the anti-girl. But then again, so is she (and yet pro-looking girly, like me.) so she isn’t trying to get into every guy’s pants like some girls, and i find that very refreshing. Huzzah!

Anyway, On with tonights, obscenely late Lyric spew. (BTW< i was ‘at class’ so i couldn’t do this earlier. Heh heh heh.) Oh and a double BTW, this weekend Red is coming home from college. I just hope some of the time this weekend will be spent on me, and not the shattered relationship with that Jackass she’s dating. (Sorry, I’m extreme prejudice. Sue me.)

Right, now for Simple Plan, I’d Do Anything

Another day is going by

I’m thinking about you all the time

But you’re out there

And I’m here waiting

And I wrote this letter in my head

‘Cuz so many things were left unsaid

But now you’re gone

And I can’t think straight

This could be the one last chance

To make you understand

I’d do anything

Just to hold you in my arms

To try to make you laugh

Some how I can’t put you in the past

I’d do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

Will you remember me?

‘Cuz I know

I won’t forget you

Together we broke all the rules

Dreaming of dropping out of school

And leave this place

To never come back

So now maybe after all these years

If you miss me have no fear

I’ll be here

I’ll be waiting

This could be the one last chance to make you understand

And I just can’t let you leave me once again

I’d do anything

Just to hold you in my arms

Try to make you laugh

Some how I can’t put you in the past

I’d do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

Will you remember me?

Cuz i know I won’t forget you

I close my eyes

And all I see is you

I close my eyes

I try to sleep

I can’t forget you

Nanana (2 x)

And I’d do anything for you

Nanana (2 x)

I’d do anything

Just to hold you in my arms

To try to make you laugh

Some how I can’t put you in the past

I’d do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

To fall alseep with you, you ya

Cuz I know I won’t forget you

Okay, not every girl would find this song romantic, so what? I do. I also Find their song Addicted A very good song too. Brinking on romantic, and emotionally rewarding.

Derringer Meryl [Is it friday yet?] Out

I finally finished watching Chobits, and have come to the decision that i need to make a Chii layout for this website. But finally finishing watching it makes me feel…. well it works in really well with my journal entry from yesterday. The whole point of the anime is for the main characters, Chii and Hideki, to find the person they love the most. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but lemmie tell you…

that was ONE social commentary on society that was RIGHT ON! People loving ‘things’ (persocons) more than real people. They began to ignore their loved ones because they found something that was programmed to be happy, and it didnt’ matter if they forgot their birthday, or to say thank you for dinner, or if they were romantic. The Persocons were happy no matter what. That’s the ideal person, the ideal mate. No worries, no stress, just happy, warm fuzzies! That’s the deal. Then when the people have to deal with real people, who have all sorts of emotions, they don’t understand them and withdraw more.

*sighs* I’m afraid that i’m going to have to make some kind of test, and a made up disease that inflicts people… called… SIFD. Yes, SIFD (Social Interaction and Flirtation Disorder) and then i’ll make up some fake symptoms. Like: Short uncommitted relationships, bad or even disgraceful pick up lines, drooling, tripping over the floor and/or own feet, stuttering, clingyness, and drunken actingness…. or soemthing.

I’ll make it better, and i’ll make an official website for SIFD, of course with a disclaimer and what not, so people won’t sue me. Cause God, that’s just what i need, isnt’ it? *laughs, then suddenly sobers*

No. No it isn’t. Unless the judge or the lawyer i get is really really cute! still. Lawyer and court fees in combination with tuition to college, it isn’t pretty. Not pretty at all. ick. *gags*

Red and I have been discussing the matter of Love. And our few, but still very vibrant, loves in our lives. The real kind. Not the “I’m a sophmore in Highschool and i know you must be the one for me, and i just can’t imagine life without you” type thing. Something deep and pure and … abiding, and unending. it’s something… It’s not for the person who feels it. It’s for the person it’s felt for. You want to sacrifice everything you feel, everything you are, and anything… nothing is out of the bounds for what you would give to make that person happy, even if it wasn’t with you– you want him to smile that happy smile no matter who it’s with. it’ll hurt you until you want your innards ripped out your ears, but you want him to smile that happy smile… even if it’s not to you.

And you want to know what? It’s the same kind of love no matter the gender. I love Red, and I’m almost damn sure she loves me. that’s why she always tells me the truth when i’m lying to myself about things. It’s hard to admit myself to the truth, but… it’s hard not to. She says it in the simplest way– and it makes you see it, you can’t deny it in any way. Isn’t possible.

I haven’t been feeling so well this weekend. I told Di to tell Monkey that i was deathly ill. So much for that. I think i’m glad she didnt’. I mean, my heart starts racing for no reason whatsoever, and it’s not a good thing. That is my heart rate [resting] is around one hundred BPM, and that’s no good. no good at all. I can’t live like that. i get light headed, and just… ill. Sick to my stomach. it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest… i don’t know why my heart is doing this, i haven’t been caffeine queen, and i haven’t taken my amphetamines that would make my heart race like that.

It’s scary. and the two people i want to be next to me if I have to go to the hospital, aren’t here. Aren’t contactable… and for one of them, i feel that i have no one to blame but myself.

Derringer Meryl [i want to be with you] Out

😀 Right. So as of tomorrow, I’m a student at the local community college. Huzzah, yippie, i’m sure you’re thrilled for me. So what do I have planned for the last night of summer?

Absolutely Friggin’ Nothing. I don’t know… maybe i’ll hang out with the guys at Halo night, or maybe i’ll leave them alone so Marco and them can bond, because i have a feeling my estrogen just rots away at their bonding. *smirks* So maybe i’ll stay at home and bond with my brother with some Futurama (the problem with popplers is my favorite episode eVah!) make sure I get my shift off tomorrow night so I can go to my institute class (sorta scared of going to that one…. meep.) and go to my lovely Math class that’s right smack dab in the middle of the day. Huzzah! *claps*

i’m not too excited about it all, i’m more than scared, actually. I’m very scared. Mindlessly so. As in my mind has walked out on the whole deal saying “i’m sorry, i can’t take the worrying pressure.” and now i’m left senseless worrying if gnomes are going to steal my underwear in the night. Damn underwear gnomes.

Anyway. I know this is a short little entry, but I wanted to do a lyric spew of Don’t Speak, No Doubt So I am. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You and me

We used to be together

Every day together always

I really feel

I’m losing my best friend

I can’t believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you’re letting go

And if it’s real

Well I don’t want to know

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Our memories

They can be inviting

But some are altogether

Mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

No no no, Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

It’s all ending

I gotta stop pretending who we are

You and me

I can see us dying

Are we

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

No no, Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t speak

Don’t speak

Don’t speak

Oh, I know what you’re thinking

And I don’t need your reasons

I know you’re good

I know you’re good

I know you’re real good

Oh, la la la la

La la la la

Don’t, don’t, ooh, ohh

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush, don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush, don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Derringer Meryl [TELL ME!] Out

Yeah. So, Um. Yeah.

Can I add a new stressor to my list, one that makes my sides twitch, and my stomach tie in knots, and make me feel like barfing….

Get new friends

It’s been explained to me that my friends won’t get me to heaven, but i figure God wants me to be happy,and i don’t know how being sad in the short run of life, will make me happier there. *shrugs* I plan on keeping Red, Marco, Staples, Monkey, J-bob, Gert, and whoever else might fall under the “not going to get me to heaven” friends title, as great friends, because they are. Sure, sometimes they hurt me, and sometimes I hurt them. Intentionally, unintentionally, in the end it’s all the same. It’s hurt. *looks down* Sure, maybe i should try and find a clientele of friends who don’t smoke and drink– but i thought God didn’t hate us, but the sin, and isn’t it more Godlike to love someone despite the sin?

I thought so.

Anyway. I’m going to Halo fun tomorrow, or whatever we happen to play. I want to be there, because i love my guys, despite what anyone says. And those who say, say I don’t have to get rid of my friends forever, dont’ have to toss them out with tomorrow’s trash, I just need to find more, who are running my way. I guess that makes sense, right? I wouldn’t say my set of friends is running the opposite direction, but i would say they’re standing on the side sorta… heckling. Basically, they want me to make friends who are progressing forward. I’m just not sure if I want to be progressing forward too. I mean, yeah sure, eventually, but right now? I mean forward for me consists of marriage, and babies. And that makes me eep a little bit. Wouldn’t it make you..?

If it doesn’t, check your pants. You’re probably a guy, or much older than me. *shrugs* Anyway, I have to attempt to register for classes at the institute again. I’m sorta scared to go. It’s one of those forward things. A grown up thing. I don’t know if I’m ready…. I’m not even sure if i’m ready to be graduated yet, and it’s a little late for that, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [nerve wracked] Out

So I went to the High School/Family Reunion. I was there for like, an hour … maybe less, and that’s fine, because I felt sorta… mopey today. mopey: to give oneself up to brooding : become listless or dejected Yeah. I’m the brood queen. I’m a poof, and what not. (in the strict sense that I’m all … like Angel)

Yeah. Uber weird day. I don’t know how to explain it but, total drain on the brain. My poor friend who had her b/f committed, came into work crying her eyes out, because her boyfriend’s mom just ripped her to shreds. She was always a really laid back girl and now things like this are happening to her.

I don’t know where she got the bad kharma… but i feel bad for her.

*sighs* Then there’s me. I tend to focus on me, a lot. Especially in this journal, but then i figure, it’s my journal…. DUH! *shrugs* Red’s leaving at the end of the week. Makes me sad. *frowns* She’s my doll. One of the two people i’m currently addicted to, and she’s going off to college, of course she’s mainly focusing on her boyfriend, and what he thinks about her going off and exploring the wide world of… University. I don’t blame her. I’ve been in the happy place where all there is in the world is you and your guy (or if you’re a guy then you and your gal…. or if you have alternative lifestyles… whatever, you get the picture.) and you’re happy. All the time. *sighs*

Then, after that month of happiness is over, you get sad and dejected. Until you move on to the next person. *shrugs* I guess. I miss the happy. That’s why bitter people hate happy people, because they want to be them. Want to smile and feel that joy inside of them…. but instead they feel empty and cold. Nothing feels quite right without the other person.

and you end up trying to fill your life with something else…. like scrubbing carpets, or writing witty but unrealistic stories. *laughs* Okay. So I fill my hours with that kind of stuff, and yeah, it is because i’m pathetic…

don’t TRY to talk me out of it… i am, pathetic that is, i’m brooding over *shakes her head* I’m brooding because Red is in a relationship, and i’m not. Beyond that, I don’t have any DESIRE for her relationship (ie the guy she’s with) but i want one of my own.

Like i’m going to find it in my parents basement. Right. *spaces off* I just want to live– and my quality of living my life isnt’ school or writing. I know what i want.

But see, I’m not lucky. I don’t know what it is that all the other girls from my school have (or at least a good portion of them) that I dont’. The capability to have a relationship that lasts… Like my friend Bob, she and her boyfriend (Yes, her name is Bob, we call her that… her name is TOO popular to call her by it.) have gone out two years now. It’s maddening. My Friend Scarlett and her boyfriend have been going out for three…. *sighs* And I score the record high with nine months. And he didn’t even take me on a date.

Jerk…. *sighs* I’m pathetic.

Derringer Meryl [never look back] Out