Undone

So I’ve found, fairly obviously, that I have problems… relating to people. I am fairly self involved. I am not sure if this is a nurture/nature thing, but I’ve always been kind of turned inwards trying to constantly examine, and re-examine my own self. I’m like a computer stuck on an infinite loop of “Is something broken?” and if the answer is no, I’m not looking hard enough yet. If the answer is yes, then I have to work on how to fix it. All very… odd. I have theories about why I’m this way. But that isn’t really the point.

The point is: I have found that I relate well to people through media well. I used to think I was charming via text, but the reality is, i can still be awkward. I am excellent at manipulating what is already there. I am great at expounding on something given to me. I don’t lay good foundations, I am not great at STARTING something, but I’m awesome at continuing it. As terrible as it sounds, I’m great at being  a follower. I will follow your lead. Typically. Usually. even when it’s not a great idea. If I trust you. My convictions are strong, but I hold them close to my heart. I don’t share them. So don’t ask.
Things I am loathe to talk argue about: religion, God, Politics. I used to think it’s because I had no conviction. no opinion, no feelings on the matters; not strongly anyway. But it’s not really true. It’s because I’m so sure of them, I really have no interest in what you have to say, nor do I have any desire to have you try and tear me down for what I think.

In completely different news. I was thinking about my weight the other day. When amI not? Probably when I am buying and scarfing down junk food mostly. haha. Damn carbs. Anyway… I have always been acutely aware of an attitude of stubborness that I have that goes like this “don’t tell me what I can do, I’ll do what I want. If you tell me what I can and can’t do, I will go out of my way to prove you WRONG.”

Really not healthy. Is that being contrary? probably. It’s not like I’m that way about everything. I am, on occasion, naturally submissive. Like with my parents. I was not an overtly challenging child as far as rebellion goes (as far as mental health… that’s something else, isn’t it?). I just … the only person who holds me back (really) in life is me.I write as my house is cluttered and needs to be cleaned, I could be spending my time differently…I can blame the people who acted on me. Who broke me and stole things from me. Every little bite of something is “Oh Yeah, well you’re going to love me anyway, just you watch.”

I know though that you can’t run from the one person who is always disappointed in me. ME. I thought i’d be so much more. Something more. Published, or thinner, or … just anything but plain old me.

Maybe that’s why I keep searching for what’s broken. Because I desperately want for something to be different and special about me. If I was at least spectacularly broken, I’d have something.

Everything gets lost in time. When you’re little. People love you. Adore you. So cute! So little, and sweet. Time takes it all though. All the talents, and skills, and praise. All you’re left with is regret and insecurity.

Derringer Meryl [Things I discover.] Out

During the day I’m fine!

I can be a pillar of strength, or a pile of salt. Which may be tasty on a vast amount of popcorn. SO at least either way I”m good. 😉

Today I was mildly accomplished in the fact that I got a side of my Sister in law’s baby quilt bound and I did up a grocery list for tomorrow, which may or may not need a few additional items. Like ziplock bags. Can’t forget those!

I’ve been working nights, which I think i’ve mentioned, which is throwing my life off into this weird wibbldy wobbldy unbalance. I look forward to next week, when I can get back to a semblance of norm. Not that I”m complaining, my job is hard, and complex (also really simple at the same time, which may add to it’s complexity!) and sometimes completely maddening, but I find it fulfilling. I am helping my department succeed in the best way I can. I love it. It has it’s days where I go home and cry, i’ll admit, but everything does.

I’m also going to make headway on my quilt for Child’s Play. I’m a bit nervous about that one. To be honest. Scott’s Yoshi quilt is starting to … come apart. and I’m worried I won’t do a good enough Job. There are corners I cut on Scott’s though. So I just need to be more diligent in this quilt. FOCUSED. Iron every smidgen. Stop making excuses, and do my best!

that’s all anyone can ask for right? I hope so.

I also want to try and potty train little Audrey this weekend. This will be our… fourth go at it? she’s done it … she is just SO stubborn and frustrating. My little mouthy miss. Who asked her uncle this past weekend “Where did all your hair go?” She’s got her Dad’s mouth, that’s for sure. haha.

I would absolutely looooooove to have someone do it for me, you know? I don’t know how to talk to her, how to entice her, and lure her into doing it. We’ve tried toys, treats, all sorts of stuff. she’s just not interested. Very blase. Obviously I can’t force her to be interested, but She can stay dry, and she likes to go off and hide to pee… so she gets it. She just isn’t DOING it.  I am thinking “No more diapers, that’s SO much money we’re tossing on that!” I’d just like to be done with diapers and their boxes, and bags, and the mess of it all!

We’ll see how it goes! I’ll discuss our progress after the weekend has completed

When it’s late at night (and FYI it’s late at night) I like to write, and I like to pick little niggly things apart.

I like to read Fanfiction. I like to lose myself in someone else’s imagination. I like to be overwhelmed with emotion, I prefer it to be happy, but it’s like being adrift in a sea of emotion. letting things buoy you up and drag you down.

There’s a line from a movie, that I didn’t love, it didn’t do GREAT, it’s the last movie I think I saw Meg Ryan in, and frankly I think she’s kind of… DONE. You know? but that’s what happens when your whole acting career is based on the fact that you’re “adorable” and then you get botchy plastic surgery …. While Kate and Leopold is cute (it’s the movie I”m referencing here) it’s not either of their characters I like, pretty much at all.

The lovable character… the character that makes me cry when he says this line is her ex boyfriend stuart. You may not know the actor (Liev Schreiber ) he’s not been in a terribly large amount of things, but the quote that I adore is this:

It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don’t see colour. Just like we don’t see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can’t see it. It’s just like a blur. It’s like we’re riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you’re sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that’s it; it’s that simple. That’s all I discovered. I’m just a… a guy who saw a crack in a chair that no one else could see. I’m that dog who saw a rainbow, only none of the other dogs believed me.

While he’s talking about time (obviously) since the movie relates to time travel, I feel this way with things on occasion. We live such fast paced lives that sometimes we don’t pay attention to what we’re feeling. We just box it away deep in our stomach and shove some fast food on top of it and let our guts hang over our waist bands (not that I’m any different as far as the fatness goes, I’m just saying).  I soak it all in. I think about what I’m feeling, a lot. Some people say i’m over dramatic… when I say some people, I mean EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER TALKED TO ME…. See what I mean? I don’t just look at how I’m feeling and say “yep that’s it” and toss it aside. I crawl down deep inside it. I live in it. I explore it. Like a great big ocean with caves that are so dark and deep. I want to see every part. I want to feel it wash against me.

I feel sad, a lot (alot, cause it makes me think of Allie Brosh when I smoosh it all together). Sometimes I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Sometimes, I don’t feel like there are words to describe it. There is no picture to paint, no story to tell. I’m just lost and trapped, and scared and alone. It makes my chest tight, and my heart heavy. It makes me wish for simpler days. It makes me wish that I wasn’t terrified of tomorrow. (I shouldn’t borrow worry from tomorrow, as tomorrow has it’s own worries and troubles ;))

Hope, it’s what I need. Hope that something will change, something will be better.

I am struggling with the thought of getting medication again. Medication and I don’t have a great history. the last meds I took left me more depressed and unsure than I was before I had them. So i always think twice now when I’m down. I think “Can I get through this? Do I really need it.” I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me for a month. if so not more. I am trying. I am trying. What else can I ask for? to focus on trying not to be smothered and drowned in my own depression is about all I can manage right now.

I should probably go see a therapist. But how do I randomly pick one of those off of a website? Sheesh.

Look for upcoming changes to the blog. nothing massive, just little changes (they’ve started happening already ;))

Derringer Meryl [ a little unwell] Out

At work we’ve been examining “why” a lot. Why do we want quality workers? why do we provide the service the way we do? Why, Why, Why?

I’ve been applying Why into my life. In case you need a bit of perspective:

So I’ve been thinking about this in a lot of different ways, relating to my job, because honestly that’s where this first was shown to me so it’s logical that I would apply it there first.

Then I started thinking about the fact that WHY would (and could) lead me to being a happier person. Truely. Simon has another video about how much he dislikes the “self help” industry because if we could just reach out to the other people around us and help THEM with their issues without any thought to being “paid back” any sort of return on that investment of our time, other than our own feeling of fulfillment.

I know people who live like this, they are generally much happier than me. I have to admit, I am NOT good at the things Mr. Sinek speaks of. Mostly reaching out to our fellow man. He says that we sit in our cubicles at work and just stay closed off. I wonder, if there is something about my psyche that makes me resistant to other people. At work we do a personality index, I’ve sat through the review of the results… at least 9 times now? and the things I know are that I score low ion the extroverted scale. I am technically an introvert that makes me kind of unique in the fact that my job requires me to be social. I am not socially poised, I DO worry that people like me. I do like to be the center of attention and make people laugh. Because it brings me fulfillment. It makes me feel good. So it’s weird that my fulfillment is working opposite of my personality. There’s probably some deep psychological hole in my brain that a doctor could fix so that I didn’t hate myself for being terrified of people. I do work at it. I enjoy training at work QUITE a bit, because (as any member of my immediate family will tell you) I like to repeat funny stories/jokes. Even if they fall flat. I will tell you the same snooty factoid (did you know that the Brigham City Temple was built on top of the Elementary school I went to? NO? Let me tell you again in 20 minutes.) even though I’ve probably already told you. FUN TIMES EH? Anyway. I like talking, like educating. I’d be a rubbish elementary/secondary school teacher. Mostly because as a trainer, i work with my boss to pick who is in my classes. As a teacher you get what you get and you don’t get upset. So there’s that. I don’t get final say, but– I do the best with what I’m given haha.

Anyway, I was thinking about Why in relation to my weight. I would L-O-V-E to be thin and a little bit foxy (VERY MUCH) and I’d honestly adore just being able to shop at a regular store. But those are the results I’m chasing. (seriously, have you watched the video? Do it!) Maybe I’m the eternal skeptic or something because I don’t have a belief. I don’t have a why. Why am I trying to lose weight? What is my belief set behind that? I think this applies. Because I am a drifter. A chameleon I will believe what you believe with the passion you have. I don’t have a solid opinion of anything. I don’t believe I can do it.

Let me say that again. I don’t feel like the full weight of the statement can be fully felt without me repeating it.

I don’t believe I can do it.

When I say that, when I feel it, when I write it, it is what i mean. It may seem a bit Melodramatic right? People say that’s what I am. Melodramatic. Over dramatic. Whatever. I feel like I am HONEST. I believe in my emotions, and the things I say about my emotions are not exaggerations, they are a true and brilliant painting of the war within my head. People thought that Van Gough was crazy because he could see the color in the universe when no one else could. Maybe it made him a little bit of a nutter. I’m not saying I’m Van Gough, cause I tell you I’m not, but I can tell you that I can relate to feeling something so intensely that it makes you feel insane.

Feeling nothing can make you just as crazy. Sometimes it feels like a faucet. I can only feel everything and be mad, or feel nothing at all and wonder what’s the point. To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by opposing end them.

Look how easily I’ve turned this into something dark!

POINT: My lack of belief in myself makes all of my negative self talk true. I think I’m downright rubbish at my job. I feel quite frequently as a failure. I struggle. I am IMMENSELY proud of my trainees. It seems a little silly, because it’s not like they’re my friends, they’re just acquaintances, but I am proud of their successes, because as their trainer, their success is MY success.

So how do I eliminate that niggling “no you can’t” in the back of my head. The voice I know all so well. I know who he is, and I know where he came from. As much as I want to shut it all away– I can’t. I shut down parts of me to play perfect girl for a while. I did that a lot in High School. Junior high too. Smiling Meryl. Happy Meryl,  Sometimes is never quite enough if you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love … how sad is it that in the end I’m the person that I want to escape. At the end of the day the person that isn’t happy with how i”ve done is me. I project it on other people. Scott, the girls, my boss, God. Everyone else I think is not loving me enough, and it’s because i”m trying to shove all their love into this huge gaping hole I have where my self-esteem is supposed to be.

I remember thinking “if I just had kids, they’ll love me enough.” Maybe not consciously, I may not have had that EXACT thought, but it was there. Before that, It was if I had a husband, or if I had enough friends, or if I had a boyfriend.

Quite frankly the problem is that all the love in the world for exactly who I am now cannot replace the belief i should I have in myself. The belief that I am good enough. Strong enough, That I deserve to be loved, by the most important person in the world to me. As selfish as it sounds, if you don’t have yourself on your team, who do you have?

Does that make sense?  Probably not. Post 10 PM Meryl usually sounds like a bunch of crazy. But this all seems very clear to me now. So I figured out the Why to my broken-ness, I guess the next thing is … How do I fix it?

Derringer Meryl [Deep.] Out