Up So Close

When it’s late at night (and FYI it’s late at night) I like to write, and I like to pick little niggly things apart.


I like to read Fanfiction. I like to lose myself in someone else’s imagination. I like to be overwhelmed with emotion, I prefer it to be happy, but it’s like being adrift in a sea of emotion. letting things buoy you up and drag you down.

There’s a line from a movie, that I didn’t love, it didn’t do GREAT, it’s the last movie I think I saw Meg Ryan in, and frankly I think she’s kind of… DONE. You know? but that’s what happens when your whole acting career is based on the fact that you’re “adorable” and then you get botchy plastic surgery …. While Kate and Leopold is cute (it’s the movie I”m referencing here) it’s not either of their characters I like, pretty much at all.

The lovable character… the character that makes me cry when he says this line is her ex boyfriend stuart. You may not know the actor (Liev Schreiber ) he’s not been in a terribly large amount of things, but the quote that I adore is this:


It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don’t see colour. Just like we don’t see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can’t see it. It’s just like a blur. It’s like we’re riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you’re sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that’s it; it’s that simple. That’s all I discovered. I’m just a… a guy who saw a crack in a chair that no one else could see. I’m that dog who saw a rainbow, only none of the other dogs believed me.


While he’s talking about time (obviously) since the movie relates to time travel, I feel this way with things on occasion. We live such fast paced lives that sometimes we don’t pay attention to what we’re feeling. We just box it away deep in our stomach and shove some fast food on top of it and let our guts hang over our waist bands (not that I’m any different as far as the fatness goes, I’m just saying).  I soak it all in. I think about what I’m feeling, a lot. Some people say i’m over dramatic… when I say some people, I mean EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER TALKED TO ME…. See what I mean? I don’t just look at how I’m feeling and say “yep that’s it” and toss it aside. I crawl down deep inside it. I live in it. I explore it. Like a great big ocean with caves that are so dark and deep. I want to see every part. I want to feel it wash against me.

I feel sad, a lot (alot, cause it makes me think of Allie Brosh when I smoosh it all together). Sometimes I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Sometimes, I don’t feel like there are words to describe it. There is no picture to paint, no story to tell. I’m just lost and trapped, and scared and alone. It makes my chest tight, and my heart heavy. It makes me wish for simpler days. It makes me wish that I wasn’t terrified of tomorrow. (I shouldn’t borrow worry from tomorrow, as tomorrow has it’s own worries and troubles ;))

Hope, it’s what I need. Hope that something will change, something will be better.

I am struggling with the thought of getting medication again. Medication and I don’t have a great history. the last meds I took left me more depressed and unsure than I was before I had them. So i always think twice now when I’m down. I think “Can I get through this? Do I really need it.” I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me for a month. if so not more. I am trying. I am trying. What else can I ask for? to focus on trying not to be smothered and drowned in my own depression is about all I can manage right now.

I should probably go see a therapist. But how do I randomly pick one of those off of a website? Sheesh.

Look for upcoming changes to the blog. nothing massive, just little changes (they’ve started happening already ;))


Derringer Meryl [ a little unwell] Out

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