Undone

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Derringer Meryl [shameless self promotion] Out

Let me preface by saying that there wouldn’t have been a wedding toast had my foot NOT been sliced open by my traitorous daughter and her tantrum because her glass was empty. But, here are a few things I wanted to say.

I have been lucky enough to have my best friend in the whole world (who I am not married to) living with me for over a year and a half. Drama Queen has been there for me and helped me through a really hard pregnancy, though some of the worst times of my life, to help me to remember, that it would be ok. That things would be ok. That I could make it through it. She has stayed up late and listened to me complain, taken care of my children like there were her own, given me the gift of her time. I know that it was hard for DQ to wait, for her mister right. That time was a blessing for me. I hope her family can forgive me for stealing her away. It means more to me than I could ever say. I am so happy for her. I want her to have all the happiness in the world, and I know that she’s found it with TT. I know she’ll be happy with him forever. I would not change a single thing about the time DQ spent with us. I appreciate and love her. I wish all the best for her. She is like the sister I never had, and I am glad she’s found her happily ever after.

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It’s all true. My house feels a little sadly empty and it seems like someone is missing. I have been gaining weight like there is no tomorrow. I’m not sure why. Other than the fact that my foot 1) still aches from the cut. odd, yes! and 2) has this huge disgusting wart on the bottom that prevents me from running as I’d like. I need to cut back, and drink water and get active. I’m like 2 pounds away from perma muumuu status. Seriously. I gotta get things together! first and foremost get this thing off my foot. I actually ENJOY running now, so I gotta get rid of the thing on my foot so I can run again. I like to do it barefoot, or with socks on, which usually makes real runners go “NOOOOOOOOOO! DONT DO IT!!” because it’s some sort of bad for you. But all I can think is “well we did it for millions of years prior to nike being invented, and we survived, so I’m sure I’ll be fine running on my treadmill with just socks on.”

Things feel different now days. Not good, not bad, just a weird uncomfortable different. I feel like a lost satellite floating in space. Untethered. It’s an odd feeling. Like I don’t belong anywhere in particular. It may just be my medicine being off kilter, because nothing makes me feel more grounded than my kids, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, not at all. I just look into their faces when i come home from work, and i’m just stunned. Stunned that someone could love me so unyeildingly. without exception. Sure Katie gets mad at me sometimes, and huffs about how I told her to clean her toys up… but she loves me. No matter what. I think I may go work out now….

People say things like they’re giving up something for their kids, or they’re doing it for their kids, when really they should do it for themselves… Why can’t we do that? why can’t I find the motivation inside of myself to do something for myself. I have felt a lot of guilt about my weight. Both now and in the past. I think now, I look at myself in the mirror and all I can think is “I don’t want them to be ashamed of me.” But the truth is, when was I ever ashamed of my mother? Never. She was always… withdrawn and down on herself enough (No offense mom, but you did talk bad about your looks a lot!) I try to love myself inspite of my curves. I try to find something I love anyway. When I started this year, in Feb, i was at my lowest weight that I’d been at in 5 years. I am now at the highest weight I’ve ever been at, well at least when not expecting. I don’t hate myself for my weight gain. I am disappointed. I know I could do better. I know I’m letting my emotions and my chemical imbalance RULE my body. I have to take care of myself NOW or It’s going to be MUCH harder to take care of later.

Ok really now. Off to find 1) an inspiration piece, and then 2) to make my wii work 😀

Derringer Meryl [give a little whoo whoo] Out

Voting. Every year I think about how I can recall for my entire life a few weeks before Election day, the Bishop in our ward would stand up and read the same letter to us from the First Presidency encouraging us (those who could) to vote and be educated on the matters on the ballot in our area. I believe our government (as it was set forth in the beginning) was a plan, and was given to us as a blessing by God. In a lot of ways, The government is a lot like modern day religion. Some things about it are true, and we should respect those things (like freedom of speech, religion, etc etc) but other things are a bastardization of the truth, that has been warped and twisted to suit someone’s needs. (C’mon. Don’t look at me like that. Have you ever looked into Catholicism? Cause honestly, you could buy your way into Heaven for a chunk of time there! I don’t think that was something God signed off on.) I think our government (even in the very beginnings) was as good as we could make it. Unfortunately, it’s gone down hill, and we (as a nation in entirety) has lost sight of what it’s like to not have our freedoms, and lost respect for what it is we have.

People say that you should get Educated and Vote. I have no time to get to the real and honest truth of politics. that would be like swimming to the bottom of the ocean just to find out that, guess what, it’s rock and in some portions lava and vents… and OH guess what you’re dead. It’s just a big waste of time. Voting is great. If I knew anything about what was going on, or had time to really pay attention to it, i would. I guess I should say then, the Idea of Voting Is great. Having each person’s vote heard and aired .. that’s a plan man! But it’s not how it is. Honestly, I dont’ have time to educate myself, then go vote, only to find out that If i were to hold contradictory believes to the state I live in, It wouldn’t even count for everything, especially in matters of the President. I have NO time for that. {hyperbole} But right now i’m kind of focusing on not screwing up my kids, not getting myself tossed out on my butt from my job… and overall just doing my best to hold it all together.{/hyperbole} So voting kind of goes into this nice little folder of “things I probably should do at some point in my life” Not unlike Visiting teaching, fulfilling my callings (or getting one, since I don’t think I have one) mowing my lawn regularly, doing laundry every day, making a sit down meal with my family, and about 2 million other things that fall under that heading.

Sorry If I sound a little bitter, but I’ve recently discovered after coming to the absolute brink of losing my mind that if you tote around a bag of “I should be doing this….” you’ll go mad. And I don’t mean the fun kind of mad that you can take to Thanksgiving dinner and have your grandchildren play practical jokes on your mind being lost… it’s the kind of mad where your outer shell goes hard, and you don’t feel anything anymore, and all you wish for is … to feel again. *sigh* It’s no good. I guess what I’m saying, in the long and short of it, is that voting just isn’t for me. I’m never going to feel satisfactorily educated on the matter. I cannot know the absolute truth on any issue, and so anything I do know would be, in some form or another, a lie.

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Did I mention I never went back to therapy. It was costly. Also, I never felt like I got on the same wave length as my therapist. I felt like… Like he looked down on me? I guess? I don’t like when people assume they know me better than myself. I appreciate a new perspective on life and things, but just because you’ve gone to college doesn’t mean you know me better than I do. I’ve lived in my head for years now. I know what bugs me. I know what makes me tick. I absolutely LOATHE feeling controlled. there are people in my life whom I have yielded control and input on my actions to. Like my parents, my siblings, my friends and my husband. People whom I am close to. If I pay you to talk to me, you can RECOMMEND what I should do, you cannot TELL me what to do. I can tell YOU what I’ll do. I’ll tell you to jump in a lake. Jerk. Or I’ll passive aggressively not come back to therapy anymore. He had been warned though, I stopped going to my prior therapist because of her attempt to control me. I’ll admit I’ve made some STUNNINGLY stupid decisions in my life. But, they were my choices, and my mistakes to make. *yawn Yawn Yawn*

Christmas is coming. which means I need to crush and stifle my urges to be a bossy person. I am a bit of a control freak, it helps me maintain my sanity. Katie is enthralled with Christmas already. I hope she has a great time. i cannot wait for our Christmas traditions. I’m looking forward to having Christmas Eve off this year, and how relaxing that will be. I am lost on what to get the girls, and what to ask for myself. I am not good at thinking of what *I* may need, or want. I’m lost. I don’t think of myself often. If everyone wanted to pitch in together, and work out babysitting for me, 😉 that’d be great. haahah. It’d be fabulous to have my girls in day care or something. hopefully I can work out taking the girls to some place at somepoint this next year. They are getting too old and mischievous to be at home with Scott when he’s soooo tired! The only other things I w ant are: a membership to a gym (and my self control back) and another trip to Disneyland. I think people are baffled at my love for DL when there is WDW I could go to, but you can’t beat the original!! Plus I think I wouldn’t be happy in WDW, the humidity is too much!!

Derringer meryl [You could call me afro minnie] out