Undone

I know that during my pregnancy my moods are, while sometimes stable, also they are very unpredictible. I like to think of it as a controlled sort of insanity.

Sometimes I think more literarily while i’m pregnant– and sometimes it’s just more… well crazy…

I imagine…

A beautiful woman sits in front of a modest vanity. She is practicing her nightly rituals, unpinning her hair wiping off her lipstick, and applying a smooth veneer of cold cream under her eyes. As tradition dictates she will only leave the cold cream there for 10 minutes as she finishes unpinning the stylish rolls in her hair.  She sighs as her mind begins to wander.

It runs through the same day that it always does, she woke up, got dressed, made breakfast, cleaned the house, cooked lunch, did the laundry, made dinner, and sat awkwardly across the table from her husband as they both chewed in silence. It wasn’t that life was boring. She glanced in the mirror. Her skin was like porcelin, her dark hair framed her face with a slight wave. She was boring. Wasn’t this face the same face he had woken to day after day for years? She heaved another sigh. No, she wasn’t boring. Someone else was more interesting. As per tradition after dinner, he excused himself to go to the bar. She wasn’t sure if that was really where he went, he did usually come back drunk though,  which was evidence enough.  She sighed as she wiped the cold cream off. She turned to face her bed. Perfectly made after this morning. In her perfect house with it’s perfect decor. A beautiful yard, and new car in the garage. She wondered complacently if anything could really be perfect. Her heart turned cold for a moment. Could she really live this way, forever?

She forced a smile as she turned down the sheets on her bed. Yes. She could live this way forever– but she would never be beautiful again.

—–

Derringer Meryl [sheesh where do I get this?] out

With Katie I pretty much felt OK in the evenings as far as sickness. Now it comes and goes– all day. I have to be continually stuffin’ food in my face to make it ok. Which kind of goes against my wishes to not gain too much weight this pregnancy 😛 Oh well. I will try and be good– and do what I must.

To my siblings and friends, I’m sorry I bailed on movie night tonight– I was JUST so sick and tired. Since I was in charge of driving, I chose not to risk it and stay at home. I will be up tomorrow. Scott and I, I still would LOVE to meet The Specialist’s fiancee, if at all possible…?

I got a lot of shopping done today (which is probably what made me so tired.) So I only have my H family draw (which we keep a secret, which makes it hard to find out what to get people sometimes)

Anyway– I”m gonna head off, just a little post for now

Derringer Meryl [tired] Out

For sure, this week. Scott (as I have mentioned previously) always gets us breakfast friday mornings. Hallelujah, can I tell you, AWESOME. I felt a particular brand of “I want to die” this morning that i didn’t particularly enjoy. I persuaded katie to lay in bed for an extra 1 1/2 hours with me because I felt so sick. BTW– I hate the way that cooked eggs smell this pregnancy. Can’t stand it. No cooked eggs. (no raw ones for that matter either…)

This week was my father in law’s birthday, that seems like a fairly unremarkable event in some terms– but my father in law was not an unremarkable man. I did not know him long, but I knew that he loved his family, and me. He was smart, and he didn’t take any crap from anyone.  I think about him a lot. Think about “What would Dave Do?” from time to time. I think about how thin and hazy life is here. Hard to remember, hard to forget. It’s funny how we let traumatic things imprint on us in unmovable ways, but we let happier things wash away with the metaphorical tide.  I want to hold on to the happy things better. I shouldn’t remember the mean things that have been done or said to (or about) me, but remember the sweet things that people have done for me, or said to me.  The one thing I remember most about Dave, is that while he liked to kid people, he didn’t antagonize you. Which I suppose upon reading it sounds a bit contradictory. But he’d kid me about something as soon as I’d start to get worked up, he’d say “you’re fine, you’re fine.” I find myself saying it a lot, to lots of people.  He loved Boy Scouts, he was a dedicated man. He would help you when you needed it, and he had a kind smile.  We miss you Dave.

I’m hoping that tonight while Scott goes out to party with his friends (wahoo) I can get some SERIOUS house work done. It’s tough with Scott and I’s Schedule to get much done around the house. I’m hoping a few loads of laundry, Toys put away, trash taken out… etc etc. It’s a lot easier to do without Katie underfoot (but I love her for her shennanigans, it’s just hard to put away toys when as quick as you get them away, she has them back out!) I’ll probably listen to the twilight soundtrack another 10 times, and do some grocery shopping too. I don’t mind that Scott is going out without me, I do miss the fact that it’s an evening w/o him, which is sad — but there is much to do, and not much time to do it in– so I gotta do what I gotta do. 🙂 Laundry, Dishes…

and Heaven help me if I forget to buy another bottle brush, i’ll go insane, There’s no way to clean our glasses/sippy cups w/o a bottle brush!

I’ve been trying to plan out our meals a bit better lately, make sure that it’s not just “Eh I’m tired, lets get fast food.” Because that’s expensive (for one thing!) but it’s not too healthy. I’m trying to balance out our fridge, which is a bit OVER zealous when it comes to our veggie crisper, it freezes things. (I think it’s a veggie crisper!) so that’s no good. Frozen Salad, is PUKEY Salad. I’m hoping to continue a N. family Tradition with the H family. We usually have a relish tray for Thanksgiving, and it’s always so yummy! So I’m going to get a few things together for that for sure. YUM.

I hope I don’t go over my budget! :-S Must be careful while shopping, List only!

Today has been a lovely day. It was warm and sunny. My Family pics got done yesterday and AmyLee is sending them to me posthaste. If you’d like to view a few of them that she has up on her blog, click here I absolutely love them. I can’t wait to get prints made and make a collage. 😀 SO thrilled! 😀 I’m also excited that already a few people I know have expressed interest in getting their pictures taken by AmyLee, so if you’d like to, please let me know, and I’ll get you her contact info 😉

I’m super excited for tomorrow. it’s a full day, but a good day! 🙂 I’m particularly excited that I might maybe possibly who knows yet, be meeting my brother’s fiance. yeah I know, crazy I havent’ met her yet. They wanted to save the most unstable person for last 😉 hahah </ sarcastic laugh> Even if She isn’t able to come, I’m excited to spend time iwth my family– I don’t get to often due to — well having so many friends– and just being generally lame… I’m happy when I can work it out so we can. Poor Scott will be tired, but I think he should have lots of sleep in the morning (while I drop Katie at Carebear’s then go shopping at four different stores around town getting Christmas sealed up in a nice little bow. 🙂

its a good weekend plan– let’s see how it goes. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Honey Honey] Out

You know those moments in romantic movies where you swoon just a little and think “why doesn’t that ever happen to me?” it’s because it just … doesn’t happen like that.

For example….

It’s prom (or equally fancy schmancy dance), and the “destined” couple are dancing, and it’s beautiful. Her dress is beautiful, the music is beautiful…. everything is perfect. He starts to sing, as they slowly make their way around the floor, she blushes, embarassed.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

She looks over the city scape out the large window. A glitter and glow. Sparkling like a million diamonds the sun set casting it’s last rays of glow over the dim mountains on the horizon.

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

The girl appears to be thinking about the moments to follow — the things she shouldn’t say that are welling within her. The perfectly scripted words trill from her lips in her sweet and endearing voice. Meek and lovable. She peers up through her lashes to her date.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

“thank you.” she says tears welling in her eyes. The perfect end to the perfect date.  she stands on her tip toes just a little to give him a kiss, building into a deeper more passionate one.

I cant live
With or without you

The song ends beautifully, the room drains slowly, as people know the night has ended. Our couple delays, waiting, trying  to extend the evening. They stand by the large windows, spanning the ceiling to the floor. Holding each other closely, the evening ends, the sun has set, the room is empty but themselves and a few stragglers.

“I’ll Never Forget you.” he whispers huskily.  Tears run down her face freely. Her dress is beautiful, the night is perfect.

and the day is done.

——————

I find it amazing that as a culture we are so obsessed with happy endings. I know that overall we wish things would work out better. we aim for it. But happiness comes with a price. The price of being happy is sadness. You wouldn’t know how great it is to be where you are, unless you’d been somewhere else that was worse.

it’s hard to imagine needing sadness. To need the downs. No one likes the sad endings when the come, but– it’s all part of a cycle. You get out of life what you put into it– but if that was to stand to reason– that nothing bad would ever happen to someone who only does good things. Right? The never ending quandry of “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

We aren’t good people. We aren’t bad people. We are people. our actions and behaviours– will be judged by a higher being at another time.  I contend, by my prior statement– bad things happen to people.  Doesn’t that make more sense? I’m sure that wouldn’t sate or comfort someone in their time of need– I would in fact further contend that things are not bad or good (death, money troubles, marriage, divorce, childbirth, etc)  that these are just things. Events I would say.  So Things happen to people.  There’s  your answer. Why do bad things happen to good people. Because THINGS happen to PEOPLE. Sometimes they are good or bad, and honestly, things cannot discriminate amid good and bad people. Things just happen the way they do.

Sometimes… things happen to people. And you can fight it, and you can hide in your basement and become a hermit– but things happen.

People will get mad, sad, angry, happy, glad, joyus, determined, and a world of other emotions. Time marches on. Time heals most wounds, and some it doesn’t. And people will, most usually if they are determined to, get over it.  Time will erode memories, bodies, passion, all things physical. It will wash you clean.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling a bit… out there today] Out

To know you’re pregnant, but not feel it. Other than a few bouts of “MAN i wish I could throw up” and my need to pee like 20 times a day, nothing has really changed at all. It’s weird. Oh well.

Katie read a book in bed this morning (in our bed, she went to sleep at 9pm and slept most of the night in her own bed, but around 5 woke up and came into mine. I don’t mind too much. I know that once she’s in the basement in a big girl bed, she will probably roll out of bed, and fall asleep somewhere  along the way. She’s done it before … only rolling out of Scott and I’s bed. LOL. I’m trying to write down all the things Katie is going to need, and the new baby will need when the time comes. I think we’ll be better prepared this time (duh) but we will need LOTS of clothes if we have a boy, as currently we HAVE no boy clothes. Though I think we have a few pieces that could go either way.

Scott made Chicken Enchilada’s (YEAH! I KNOW!) on Monday and we had them as left overs last night. They were so awesome. Then I ran Katie to the store to pick up a few things we need to last us the week. (Bread Milk, eggs… cookies. You know stuff like that)  and she zoned out in the car. It was less than five minutes in the car, and she was DONE. I watched a few episodes of FMA last night, as I would rank it as one of the TOP five Anime Ever. Why? The story is complex, but not impossible to follow, they explain it, but they dont’ spell it out. There is a small einsy smidgeon of romance for those who have enough of an imagination to see it — and lots of laughs and hilarity you expect in an Anime. It’s re-watchable, which is desirable in an anime, and if you watch the movie too, it has a pretty good ending. I realized that even though i wasn’t tired I probably better go to bed (and thusly did) as Katie would probably be rising early. She didn’t really. She’s a cuddle bug though, and wants to cuddle you when sleeping. I don’t mind having someone next to me when sleeping, however I do not enjoy being burrowed into while sleeping. So I ended up sleeping upsidedown on the bed as Katie chased me (in a sleepy state) trying to nuzzle next to me. Scott brought home donuts, which make me say yay!

I’m excited about my Brother’s impending marriage… is impending the right word? That makes it sound forboding I think.  Impending… Upcoming would be better. Let’s just go with that. Upcoming wedding! Much better. I still haven’t met his fiancee, however I’m not often in Salt Lake. The majority of my day occurs looking otuside at some beautiful foliage/scenery, wishing I were anywhere but here (No offense to my co-workers, but i think if people were paid to live life, we’d all go for that job instead of the one we have.) They’ve opened new positions at work for “Customer Advocacy” However I won’t be applying. Mostly because I hate angry customers. Really. Sorry angry customers, you should work with someone who will be calm in dealing with you, and won’t need an antacid prescribed just to work with you.

Anyway– Off to work!
Derringer Meryl [Hiho Hiho, it’s off to work I go] Out