Undone

I didn’t have time to blog last night, and this morning I woke up too late, so i’m guessing i can do it now, from school (or Skool) Say hello to beautiful Community College campus. Not huge, but i just walked half of the campus, and it’s a pretty nice day, i thought about walking all of it just for fun, so I could think about things, but I ended up deciding against it. I’m not wearing a watch, and could be seriously late to class.

I woke up this morning and decided to not eat. not necessarily in a manner of fasting, but a “I’m just too dang nervous to eat anything at all” type thing. Besides the fact that i can’t have milk for breakfast (lactose intolerant) and all we have to eat pretty much is breakfast cereal, I decided not to risk it.

Scott is going to meet Guts, Marco and Gert today. I’m sorta excited. Not sorta, I am excited. Scott means SO much to me, and my co-workers (I guess Gert is the only one who falls only into that catagory) are my friends. Scott said not to freak about it. But Guts calls me “Mistress Molesta Dawn” and I’m not even kidding. Scott thought it was funny. I have to agree, it’s my funniest name yet.

I feel like i’m bouncing around the topic i want to talk about– I’m afraid to talk about it. Sorta the “if you talk about your wishes they won’t come true” mentality i think. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to build up all of these good feelings and just loose them because i’m too stupid to realize otherwise.

I forgot to talk to my parents about staying over at Mandarin’s house this weekend (full nickname Mandarin the Corruptor, she picked it, so there ya go) she’s one of Scott’s excellent friends (excellent is my word, all of his friends are his best friends. Which is a lot like me. All of my friends are my best friend) and she’s invited me to stay at her house after D&D this week. It’d be SO nice to do that, I just … hope I remember right that my parents said yes. *sighs* living with your parents who treat you like you’re still sixteen, is a drag. The uber drag. *makes notes to not be a drag when a parent of a teenager later in life*

I parked uber far away, Dax is gonna be so angry. Too bad! so sad! heh. we need the exercise, and plus, i didn’t want to stalk someone for their parking spot. (here I am dancing around the subject again)

I’m just making myself ill with worry. My mom keeps making plans and I say “Scott doesn’t have his answer, and I don’t want to assume yes.” *sighs* this is not the kind of thing you enter into lightly– but it feels so right. I’ve never been happier than when i’m with Scott…. and his friends all say that he’s happiest with me. what can I say besides Hearing that makes me giddy. (giddy is the word of the week i’m thinking) Nothing else has ever felt this right. I’m hoping God agrees. For two main reasons…. 1) I love Scott, and I want to be with him forever. 2) I don’t know the road back from here emotionally. If this weren’t to work out– I’m just not sure what i’d do. I’m not saying this is a “We’re going to do this or else I’ll kill myself” type thing. Heck no. It’s more of a “If this doesn’t work out, i’m not sure where i’d go from here.” type thing. I’d probably still quit Gamestop as I am planning to do. It’s become viciously apparent from going to the mall and my mom saying “Ohh look at these rings” while I shrugged her off…. (she’s been all for this since day one.) that the teeny pay check I pull in from GS won’t support any of my wedding aspirations. So I’m guessing I’m going to have to grow up, and throw Gamestop in the trash, like i’ve been assuming for a long time. :S But I remain there for the social aspect, that’s why i’m still there– why i put up with the stupid demands and the horribly low pay. (i’m the lowest paid worker at my store, I can almost guarantee) I might just go and be a waitress for a while. I’ll be one of the good ones too, the ones that don’t spit in your food. Heh. 😀

Anyway– I had better go. I have classes that I should TRY to focus on, but I’m telling you– my brains won’t be there. I’ll be thinking of Scott… and praying, the entire time.

Dn Angel: A Graceful Evening

even peaceful time and the sorrows of a small heart

appeared to be shining very beautifully

the wind blows against the silent you

that’s just so pleasant I sing a little song

when you stare at me, I can’t really breathe

hey… please don’t laugh

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

soon everything will reach the sky

just swaying swaying swaying and floating there

you can stand in the wind, flowing far away in the stream

lets quietly disappear so that no one can interfere

quietly…

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

even the tiny world in our tiny hands

are glittering, shining as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

Derringer Meryl [Jpop Queen] Out

I woke up this morning feeling the best I have in a long time. Usually (because I’m lucky, and it’s my lot in life) i wake up feeling sick. Excess stomach acid the doctors say. I say they’re trying to get me to take more pills, and I could regulate it without medication, but it would involve me becoming a hermit and living via the internet and credit cards– and an inexhaustible amount of money.

Somehow, I woke up this morning, and I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t feel nauseous, I didn’t feel anything but a little tired (five to six hours of sleep will do that to you.)

I spent my morning fasting. I thought it was a swell idea, really. Of course, i neglected to remember that today was my “you have to walk up six flights of stairs to get to class” day. So after two flights (one floor up from the entrance) I began to get a little woozy. I was too weak to open the water I had allowed myself to buy simply on the fact that a girl has to stay hydrated (it’s another talent of mine to become dehydrated at the drop of the proverbial hat.) and I couldn’t really deal with the idea of passing out because of lack of water. So I struggled up the remaining flights of stairs, asked a fellow student to open my bottle (I’m such a freak) and drank. Where upon finishing drinking (not the entire bottle, a few swigs though) I decided to leave the class room and break my fast with a prayer.

Other than the passing out, the day was without much incident.

I went out shopping with my mom, and she treated me to an Italian Soda…. It made me happy, even if they didn’t put any whipped cream on it.

I should be writing for my class right now. I suppose I’d better get to that– but honestly that’s just what i’m going to do until Scott gets online…. then I’m totally talking to him. This whole “homework” thing is starting to wear on me. Especially when the teacher is so specific about what she wants.

Today I’ve been assigned to write a piece that takes place in a small unit of time. BLAH! What does that mean? None of my prose is longer than 500 words, and none of my poetry would really work. Is my teacher insinuating that I should actually WORK in a Creative writing class? *gasps* Oh the horror! The HORROR!

Alright– 🙂 *Shifty eyes* I just wish I could explain more about things. But I gotta keep my mouth shut.

Derringer Meryl [I know something… Special?] Out

Have you ever been unable to focus? Of course, because you, like everyone else, are normal. Heh. I can’t focus on my legal secretary text for the life of me. *sighs* Busy thinking about other things. Thinking about how i’d like to be reading another blue book which is sitting on my couch.

This blue book i’m reading now, not so much interesting. I don’t even want to be a legal secretary anymore. I’ve never read anything so dull and horrid in my entire life. and i don’t think i’ve ever not comprehended something I’ve read as much as I have the books this year at school.

Do you like this new layout? I know the green is a little… hm… gacky? So sorry about that. But I really liked the pictures together, and green brought them together the best. This shade. Unfortunately. 🙂 But I like the saying. i like what it means. I like how happy I am. I like living like Sakura does. She’s a constant blush machine, and I have to admit, i’ve been living there too.

I know my previous post was pretty down on Meryl (can I say I love that name?) I guess i let my depression control me a little too much, and certainly let other people use it to their advantage. I won’t name anyone, but it’s people in my past. I need to understand that what they said doesn’t matter, and now… now i have someone who thinks i’m fantastic the way I am. *smiles* Everyone says they’ve never seen me happier. Guts says if Scott hurts me, that he’ll maim him. Of course, Guts never maimed Monkey for me, so I guess I’ll take that with a grain of salt. 🙂

Care Bear came up from provo to pick her sister up from the Airport, so she stopped in. it was fun. I felt really giddy. We all got into her friend’s car and sang really loud to “Hey Ya” By Outkast. It was fun. it’s like everything in life is better, just … great. Everything is fantastic.

I look at my bedroom (which mind you, I’ve almost got about perfect for my desires) and I think. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want the “i have a crush on that actor” posters on my wall, and I don’t want the cut outs of pretty girls I wish I was on my walls. I dont’ want to be them anymore either. If I needed to. I could give this all up.

And I could. I just could. Doesn’t really matter.

Derringer Meryl [Must concintrate on Book] Out

Have you ever felt SO amazingly wonderful and so extremely bad at the same time?

I could start this out by saying there are voices that I hear… but then I’d sound whacko, and I don’t really hear voices, It’s more like an evil conscience rattling about in my brain. Now, the little bugger isn’t trying to make me DO anything but feel horrid about myself. after the glowing remarks Scott gave to yesterday, and how my only fault seems to be my fear of eating in groups…. makes me feel like I’m lying to him. I mean, I’m certainly not evil. At least not the last time i checked. And i like to think I’m pretty wonderful…. Bah. I don’t know. I know that sometimes I just feel like a great big liar.

But something else i know is that i’m really genuine with Scott. Which is an odd thing. I’m not really that genuine with anyone. The list is small. Including only my most exclusive friends. Everyone else gets this big act. (My brain right now is screaming at me that this concept makes me a liar) I’m usually one of those people who changes themselves to fit the situation. I’ve pretty much learned that way everyone will like you.

I feel like I should say something right here right now. To expose myself, just a little. I have this horrible habit of cussing. You can see it in my writing sometimes– but if i get around the right group of people, I sound like an eighteenth century British sailor. That’s one of the many reasons why i’m leery about taking Scott to meet my coworkers. We all sound like sailors. It’s really not fitting for a girl. The thing is, in my previous romantic relationships, everyone expected me to give it up, because they said so. Like it was just what girls did. Stopped swearing because their boyfriends didn’t like it. I guess in the past I didn’t like them enough to care. My dirty little habit seemed more stable than their passing fancy for me. I didn’t want to give it up. It felt like “In a month you’ll be gone, and I’ll be back hanging out with the crew at work.” I guess I just feel differently with Scott. Like first off, he doesn’t know i cuss (until now), so he’s not demanding that i change. And… I think…. There’s a change in my brain. There’s a difference between someone saying “You have to change, now.” and the “I’d like you to change, if you could.” atittude. The second one is more…. open.

I want to change. I’ve been so much better about not cussing, even when I’m at work, and Scott’s no where to be seen. i think because now, if someone asked me “Why are you quitting swearing?” I wont’ say: “Because my boyfriend wants me to.” I can say “Because I dont’ want to do it anymore.” and mean it. I don’t want to do it anymore. *shrugs*

Derringer Meryl [Confessional] Out

Ohum, wow. Can I say wow? I had a spectacular time. We played games and watched movies, and it was great. *is speachless* I’m sorry, I’m just… Wow. It was a great day. We watched Star Wars Episode Two, and mocked the bad choice of Anakin, and the ever so stupidly written love themes (They seemed really forced to me.) and then we watched Orange County. Which i didn’t expect to be that good, but it was. (BTW, if my typing is off, it’s because my eyes are super sensitive to the light right now because of my contacts, and i’m trying to avoid looking at the screen.) The movies were great, But i really enjoyed holding Scott’s hand, and leaning on his shoulder. Being cuddly is possibly my most favorite thing ever. 🙂 I think I like it best when i’m cuddly with Scott. :”) I looked at our hands tonight, just sorta watched them at a moment that was rather dull during the movie (probably an Anakin moment) and thought to myself– I wouldn’t mind doing this forever. (Shuts up at the risk of freaking ‘people’ out)

Scott’s siblings were funny, and a joy to talk to. Of course they had to drag out the Pictures of him in school and what not. I thought they were cute, but the sibs claimed them “dorky” I guess i’m just into the geek chic thing. 🙂 it was fun to see Scott interact with them. 😉 Much nicer to them than my oldest brother was to me.

I felt sorta bad, i didn’t eat all of my cake. But then again, I do have that little quirky thing about not liking to eat in front of people. I think I did pretty well other than that. It was really nice to get to know Scott’s family. Put faces and personalities to the names. *nods*

On the ride home Scott said I had an amazing laugh. I appreciate that. I’m pretty insecure about my laugh. I feel like i laugh too loud sometimes. Usually resulting in extreme embarrassment, to either myself or the people with me. I try to keep it down, but what can I say? I love to laugh.

Anyway, I have school tomorrow. I still have to finish up some of it, so I better skedaddle off to bed so i can get up and finish it 🙂

Oh yeah, and If you want to know what the Title and catch line are about go here 😀 Smile, It’s one of my favorite songs. I have the single in Japanese.

Derringer Meryl [But I have an idea! I won’t give up whatever happens] Out