Undone

I didn’t have time to blog last night, and this morning I woke up too late, so i’m guessing i can do it now, from school (or Skool) Say hello to beautiful Community College campus. Not huge, but i just walked half of the campus, and it’s a pretty nice day, i thought about walking all of it just for fun, so I could think about things, but I ended up deciding against it. I’m not wearing a watch, and could be seriously late to class.

I woke up this morning and decided to not eat. not necessarily in a manner of fasting, but a “I’m just too dang nervous to eat anything at all” type thing. Besides the fact that i can’t have milk for breakfast (lactose intolerant) and all we have to eat pretty much is breakfast cereal, I decided not to risk it.

Scott is going to meet Guts, Marco and Gert today. I’m sorta excited. Not sorta, I am excited. Scott means SO much to me, and my co-workers (I guess Gert is the only one who falls only into that catagory) are my friends. Scott said not to freak about it. But Guts calls me “Mistress Molesta Dawn” and I’m not even kidding. Scott thought it was funny. I have to agree, it’s my funniest name yet.

I feel like i’m bouncing around the topic i want to talk about– I’m afraid to talk about it. Sorta the “if you talk about your wishes they won’t come true” mentality i think. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to build up all of these good feelings and just loose them because i’m too stupid to realize otherwise.

I forgot to talk to my parents about staying over at Mandarin’s house this weekend (full nickname Mandarin the Corruptor, she picked it, so there ya go) she’s one of Scott’s excellent friends (excellent is my word, all of his friends are his best friends. Which is a lot like me. All of my friends are my best friend) and she’s invited me to stay at her house after D&D this week. It’d be SO nice to do that, I just … hope I remember right that my parents said yes. *sighs* living with your parents who treat you like you’re still sixteen, is a drag. The uber drag. *makes notes to not be a drag when a parent of a teenager later in life*

I parked uber far away, Dax is gonna be so angry. Too bad! so sad! heh. we need the exercise, and plus, i didn’t want to stalk someone for their parking spot. (here I am dancing around the subject again)

I’m just making myself ill with worry. My mom keeps making plans and I say “Scott doesn’t have his answer, and I don’t want to assume yes.” *sighs* this is not the kind of thing you enter into lightly– but it feels so right. I’ve never been happier than when i’m with Scott…. and his friends all say that he’s happiest with me. what can I say besides Hearing that makes me giddy. (giddy is the word of the week i’m thinking) Nothing else has ever felt this right. I’m hoping God agrees. For two main reasons…. 1) I love Scott, and I want to be with him forever. 2) I don’t know the road back from here emotionally. If this weren’t to work out– I’m just not sure what i’d do. I’m not saying this is a “We’re going to do this or else I’ll kill myself” type thing. Heck no. It’s more of a “If this doesn’t work out, i’m not sure where i’d go from here.” type thing. I’d probably still quit Gamestop as I am planning to do. It’s become viciously apparent from going to the mall and my mom saying “Ohh look at these rings” while I shrugged her off…. (she’s been all for this since day one.) that the teeny pay check I pull in from GS won’t support any of my wedding aspirations. So I’m guessing I’m going to have to grow up, and throw Gamestop in the trash, like i’ve been assuming for a long time. :S But I remain there for the social aspect, that’s why i’m still there– why i put up with the stupid demands and the horribly low pay. (i’m the lowest paid worker at my store, I can almost guarantee) I might just go and be a waitress for a while. I’ll be one of the good ones too, the ones that don’t spit in your food. Heh. 😀

Anyway– I had better go. I have classes that I should TRY to focus on, but I’m telling you– my brains won’t be there. I’ll be thinking of Scott… and praying, the entire time.

Dn Angel: A Graceful Evening

even peaceful time and the sorrows of a small heart

appeared to be shining very beautifully

the wind blows against the silent you

that’s just so pleasant I sing a little song

when you stare at me, I can’t really breathe

hey… please don’t laugh

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

soon everything will reach the sky

just swaying swaying swaying and floating there

you can stand in the wind, flowing far away in the stream

lets quietly disappear so that no one can interfere

quietly…

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

even the tiny world in our tiny hands

are glittering, shining as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

Derringer Meryl [Jpop Queen] Out