Undone

Have you ever felt SO amazingly wonderful and so extremely bad at the same time?

I could start this out by saying there are voices that I hear… but then I’d sound whacko, and I don’t really hear voices, It’s more like an evil conscience rattling about in my brain. Now, the little bugger isn’t trying to make me DO anything but feel horrid about myself. after the glowing remarks Scott gave to yesterday, and how my only fault seems to be my fear of eating in groups…. makes me feel like I’m lying to him. I mean, I’m certainly not evil. At least not the last time i checked. And i like to think I’m pretty wonderful…. Bah. I don’t know. I know that sometimes I just feel like a great big liar.

But something else i know is that i’m really genuine with Scott. Which is an odd thing. I’m not really that genuine with anyone. The list is small. Including only my most exclusive friends. Everyone else gets this big act. (My brain right now is screaming at me that this concept makes me a liar) I’m usually one of those people who changes themselves to fit the situation. I’ve pretty much learned that way everyone will like you.

I feel like I should say something right here right now. To expose myself, just a little. I have this horrible habit of cussing. You can see it in my writing sometimes– but if i get around the right group of people, I sound like an eighteenth century British sailor. That’s one of the many reasons why i’m leery about taking Scott to meet my coworkers. We all sound like sailors. It’s really not fitting for a girl. The thing is, in my previous romantic relationships, everyone expected me to give it up, because they said so. Like it was just what girls did. Stopped swearing because their boyfriends didn’t like it. I guess in the past I didn’t like them enough to care. My dirty little habit seemed more stable than their passing fancy for me. I didn’t want to give it up. It felt like “In a month you’ll be gone, and I’ll be back hanging out with the crew at work.” I guess I just feel differently with Scott. Like first off, he doesn’t know i cuss (until now), so he’s not demanding that i change. And… I think…. There’s a change in my brain. There’s a difference between someone saying “You have to change, now.” and the “I’d like you to change, if you could.” atittude. The second one is more…. open.

I want to change. I’ve been so much better about not cussing, even when I’m at work, and Scott’s no where to be seen. i think because now, if someone asked me “Why are you quitting swearing?” I wont’ say: “Because my boyfriend wants me to.” I can say “Because I dont’ want to do it anymore.” and mean it. I don’t want to do it anymore. *shrugs*

Derringer Meryl [Confessional] Out