Undone

Oh Ivillage.com, where you you two days ago??

You could have saved me then. But No Such luck. You rotten un-accessible people. I hate you all.

*waits a moment tenatively as ivillage starts to give craptastic advice*

I’m sorry baby, i didn’t mean it. Honest. Why dont’ you come and snuggle up with me…. *snuggles ivillage* You know I love you baby.

Derringer Meryl [In serious need of psycho therapy] Out

what a bad monkey i am. I only wrote two entries last week.

Let me tell you, last week sucked hobo butt. I don’t mean the clean hobos who are actually fairly well off people who go home to a nice house after panning on the streets all day, I mean the crazy hobo who can’t make any sense when he talks. Yep. That kind of hobo. and possibly a stabbing hobo. Whatever.

I got a new CD, thanks to my mom. I know i’m a sissy girl who still lives with her parents and gets all of this stuff for free. It was actually my mom paying me back for a favor i did, so it’s slightly more legit than me going “Mommy I want this” and therefore getting my way. Most of the time i pay for my luxury items. Magazines and the like, but sometimes I whine enough that my loving mother buys me stuff. *nods* What i really want are the back issues of the Newtype magazine that are sold in a store that is across the valley. (approx. 10 miles, at least we guess as much) *shrugs* Anyway, I got the Newfound Glory, Sticks and Stones CD. I was pretty excited. I was stuck between like four maybe five CDs that I wanted. (that I really really wanted.) The New No Doubt Singles Mix thingy, Liz Phair’s Newest, Alanis Morisette’s Jagged little Pill, Linkin Park Meteora (which I’m getting soon anyway), and Hoobastank’s newest. I’m pretty into music now days, which is a total 180 from what i used to be. I used to not care, I guess i can thank Chunga for that, as well as my old psych teacher (who introduced me to 10,000 Maniacs) 🙂

Speaking of Good tunes, May I suggest My Friends Over You,New Found Glory For your happy intake of musical goodness? You might think NFG is just another punk band, but i beg to differ. They have unique lyrics, and while you’d expect the lyrics to fall into a Dashboard Confessional type Punk (whiney and quiet, though I do still like them) they are still the traditional screaming and angry, though the lyrics are quiet sounding.

Before i get to the lyric spew i need to get something off my chest. I’ve been thinking lately about the line from As Good As It Gets Jack Nicholson’s character says to Helen Hunt’s, “You make me want to be a better man,” and i’ve been thinking. That compliment would make me melt. But when i examine my own dating situations. Anyone who makes me feel like i need to change to be good enough for them, slightly annoys me. I suppose it’s all in the attitude. Being in love enough that you’d change yourself for a person, as opposed to feeling like that person is demanding you change so they can date you. I think that’s the key. (Read Hoobastank’s The Reason Lyrics. You’ll sob, I guarentee.) i hate to hurt people. But i don’t like the feeling that someone won’t like me unless i’m different for them. Maybe that’s just mostly my perception. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not so much that they want me to change as I want to change because i dont’ feel comfortable around them as I am…. If that at all makes sense.

Oh, and if the Specialist happens to be reading this, I want you to ask Antigone if I can ask her some questions. I’m just a curious little monkey. Badger, whatever. I’m some sort of animal or something. Besides a curious little badger doesn’t sound as catchy as a curious little monkey.

Now does it?

Right, Lyric Spew. You know who it is, and what song, so deal with it.

I’m drunk off your kiss

For another night in a row

This is becoming too routine for me

But I did not mean to lead you on

And it’s all right to pretend

That we still talk

It’s just for show, isn’t it

It’s my fault that it fell apart

Just maybe

You need this

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(My friends over you)

Please tell me everything,

That you think that I should know

About all the plans we made

When I was never to be found

And it’s all right to forget

That we still talk

Its just for fun, isn’t it

It’s my fault that it fell apart

Cuz maybe you need this

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(My friends over you) x2

Just maybe you need this

You need this…

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(Repeat)

MY friends over you

Derringer Meryl [So I’m choosing a GUY friend, your point] Out

First off, it’s not quite time yet,but i thought i’d spring this out early Happy Birthday Monkey!!!! With that said, I’d like to continue on with a rather interesting issue I was discussing with myself earlier. 🙂 Not that Monkey isn’t the bestest guy friend ever. Er. I can’t say that, i have mostly guy friends. Um…. The bestest ex boyfriend ever…. were we dating? I don’t know. Sheesh… i’m stickin’ with that one though.

So you can see the image that i put on Monkey’s card that has a story behind it. that’s Chii from the anime Chobits. I love it. It’s a complex esosteric storyline that i couldn’t explain to you if i took the time, which i’m not because i really should be in bed so i can wake up early tomorrow and not die from it. 🙂 Right. Story.

Well see, Red and I, we’re Chii. we both think she’s pretty but luckily there’s two of her. A dark Chii (Red, traditionally) and a light Chii (me, of course!) Now in Chobits one isn’t evil and one good. Nope. One is simply older than the other so the older one wears darker clothes (i’m older than Red, but that really has no meaning here.) So… Yeah. This Chii pictured above looks … vulnerable. Scared (just a little), but mostly she looks incredibly sexy without being slutty (there’s a thin line)

Now, I admit. I’m not going to wake up asian. I’m not going to wake up with blonde hair. I’m not going to wake up with bigger boobs or smaller thighs and a trim waist. I realize that most of these things are rather attainable, except of course becoming asian…. though some people seem to think that I look asian anyway– Hm. But see, it’s like how sexy she is comes from within. I want that. I want to capture the innocence that seems to leak from within. It’s frustrating.

I guess my main flaw is the fact that all i do is look at other people and say to myself “I wish I could be like that” or “I wish I could look like her” I’m spending my life wishing i was someone else instead of enjoying me.

Now if i only knew who I was to enjoy… if that makes sense.

I gotta love myself — otherwise i’m going to spend my life wondering why anyone does, or doesn’t.

I wonder if there is some balance between a guy who thinks i’m beautiful and cute and entrancing, and a guy who wants to jump me. Oh, and a guy who hates my guts. I so very much wish to find him.

Derringer Meryl [Needing some balance] Out

2004-01-18 – 11:24 p.m.

Yessir I mean it. I have 563 points of stress. Three hundred is the bar of “If you’re over this, you’re going to die very quickly, and i pity you.” type of thing.

That’s okay, i’m not scared of dying so much as i am afraid of living. I see death as a means to an end. Everyone pictures heaven as a place that’s all happy and bunnies and what not, but I don’t. That sorta got shattered. It’s still happy, but it’s not free of pain. I guess that’s what comes from being all sorts of Masochistic. Maybe. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About Me, about Monkey, and about an unnamed person. I don’t think i’m going to give him a name. I’d like to say he’s of no consequence, but honestly, I’ve learned you don’t know what it’s like until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes. As it goes for Monkey, i’ve walked about two feet, and i want out. All the rolls have flip flopped, and now i’m him, and the unnamed guy is me– and i have to use a line the ever so useful “I just want to be friends” line that I loathe so much. And i understand Monkey’s unease of using it. How much it scared him and how much he hated to use it because it sorta did hurt. I cried. I did. I can admit it now. He meant/means a lot to me. I associated the line with the subtexts of “I never want to see you again you annoying bitca.” I understand now that what i felt wasn’t a romantic type thing, i was (I sorta still am) just addicted to how i felt around him. There was no pressure. None. Not to be a good girl,or a bad girl, or to kiss him or to get the best grades, or to do all my homework before i went out. Monkey time was a stress free zone, and i craved that. I still do. I just deny myself the pleasure. (I honestly don’t deserve the freedom) I’m trying to be careful with how i say things…. about him, because it’s hard to be candidly honest and have what you’re saying come out in the way you mean it to.

It was like being everyone and no one at the same time. and i have to admit i’ve never felt so beautiful or ugly as i did at those times. Everything seemed so confusingly clear. But Monkey didn’t feel… he didn’t get the rush I did when I was with him. I honestly can’t speak for him, so I won’t, but in any case, he just wanted to be friends.

For a while i wasn’t okay with that. I was stupid and i was childish. (I still am occasionally) I pushed a lot of blame on him, and he took it, and now i hate myself for that. Because he’s the last person on the earth who deserves it. he’s not perfect, he’s not innocent, But dammit, he’s the nicest person i’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I couldn’t be more sorry for the things i’ve done if i tried. Most times i feel like a schmuck. I did stupid things. I still do them. a lot of the time.

and then after a period of healing — it wasn’t long enough apparently — i started to date again. I guess you could call it dating. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of a lot of things….. I found a great guy. The unnamed guy. He was sweet and affectionate. Kind, generous, loving. Everything I wanted,but never got. I guess there’s a gap between what i want and what I need…. I need another no-stress zone like Monkey gave me. I want the affection, but to live– i need no-pressure.

He’s everything you want

He’s everything you need

He’s everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone

To put you together

You’re waiting for someone to push you away

There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say

But you’ll just sit tight

And watch it unwind

It’s only what you’re asking for

And you’ll be just fine

With all of your time

It’s only what you’re waiting for

Isn’t insane. The perfect guy comes walking along, and there’s always something in the way. and it’s me. Doesn’t it figure? Makes sense to me. That it’d be my fault. I’d give you the run down of how low and dirty and wrong i am, but i’m tired. I’m twitching very early tonight, I think it’s from the stress– and i just want to collapse.

Derringer Meryl [two boyfriends in the last 12 months] Out

Shame on me, not since Wednesday have I updated. I’m so bad. there’s not much to say about anything, except Stress. I’m very very stressed. *nods*

Oh, and that my story, and i’m stickin’ to it. 🙂 Mou. Oh and I got a Legolas Shirt

Have I mentioned this week that i’m a masochist? Cause I am now…. mentioning that is. I am …. a masochist. I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself in the round about way of stress….

The stress causes stomach aches, as well as a huge guilt complex i have. Which is usually where my “I’m bad i’m wrong i’m evil i’m a dirty whore” stuff comes from.

Cause I am.

Right.

Derringer Meryl [I need Courage] Out