Undone

Here’s hoping you enjoy the new layout. if it’s hard to read, i may find time in my very busy schedule to fix it. if not, i’ll hire a chimp to do it. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Hi Ho, Hi ho, it’s off to work i go] out

No Sound. I got a new harddrive, which is spiffy and pretty, but I have NO sound. I’m not very happy. No eminem for me while I write. That makes me sad. Very Very sad. *sniffles* I’ll fix it later. I’m too tired to care right now.

Cause I need to rant.

Change

I hate change. I hate it a bunch. I hate how everyone expects me to understand it and do it like there’s no big deal at all. And I feel like chucking a brick through the head of the next person who tells me to go with the flow.I don’t know how to. No one has taught me, or explained to me HOW. They just tell me that i have to. I hate that. Give me steps, tell me how, explain to me.

and I want to murder my computer, I want MUSIC dang it. I don’t want to hear the laughter, I don’t want to hear the jokes, I don’t want to deal with everyone else, I just want to listen to Eminem swear about how life sucks. That’s all I want right now. And so…

I’m about to pull my hair out.

I went to see Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and fell in love with Topher Grace (all over again)

I renamed (or will rename) my computer soon, to Miroku. Don’t ask, don’t tell. I’m pretty strict on this one this time. I figure New harddrive, New name, right?

I better go figure out WHAT exactly I’m going to do my Psychology paper about — I’m going insane, slowly.

Derringer Meryl [need to update more often] Out

Have I mentioned yet how i hate this? How i hate Iambic Pentameter,a nd I hope it goes to the depths of Hell when school is done and over with. When am I ever going to need Iambic pentameter? WHEN?

*pulls her hair out* I’m horrid at it. Simply horrid. I can’t get the syllables right, and I just don’t feel very poetic right now.

So I’m listening to Eminem, and hoping i’m inspired.

Derringer Meryl [It feels so empty without Iambic Pentameter] out

Well, i’ve just finished watching the first two Matrix Movies. Edited of course. *smiles* See I have this thing… where I get excessively guilty if I break a rule. It’s a rule not to watch Rated R movies. So there ya go.

Can I say i’m so stressed out. I have a psychology paper due tuesday, a chapter i should be reading, 12 lines of blank verse I should be writing….

and honestly, i don’t know how to count iambic pentameter. I’m horrid at it. Blah. Not to mention I can’t tell where an accent is or isnt’ for the life of me. Maybe I can find something to help me online? Hey, if you find one, you should tell me!

Have you ever seen Ally McBeal? Ya know, in the beginning before it got too… tangenty? She’d always go off into these little dream worlds where something she wished would happen, did. I had a moment like that today. One of my mom’s friends (acquaintance, whatever.) was talking, and i heard a car door slam, and that’s all it took for me to be propelled into a dream-like state.

I heard faint stomping outside as someone cleaned off their shoes, I assumed it to be my brother, since he was outside cleaning the sidewalks off, but the doorbell rang, which is something someone who lives in the house doesn’t do unless it’s locked. So I excused myself from the dull conversation and crossed the room. I turned the door to see an incredibly hansome man looking at me. He gave me a stoney glare. I shrugged it off as I exited outside to talk to him. There was the faint sound of shoveling in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. “What do you want?” I asked Jarringly. I seem irritated, my arms folded across my chest, half in anger, half in a sincere attempt to keep myself warm. His eyes soften. “I’m sorry.” He whispers momentarily, and takes a step towards me. “But I can’t take all this time away from you. What I said….” he looks me in the eye. “It was wrong. I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want this to be a once in a while thing. I want to be with you.” By this time his hands have settled on my hips, pulling me towards him. I rest my head on his chest, inhaling the scent i associate with him. “I can’t live without you anymore.” He whispers in my ear. I’m breathless. Every moment is right. He’s the right guy, i’m the right girl (he just said so, finally!) and he leans in, and I stand on my tip toes (just a little) and i’m swept into the most romantic kiss known to man….

but them i’m jarred back into reality with the question if i’m dating anyone. I say no. That’s really my choice, as well as my private business, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [Crazy Confused] Out

I’ve been thinking alot about the whole marriage thing, about why and when and how and what not.

I’ve basically tossed all of my good chances of getting married out the window, especially getting married any time soon (read, within the next year) but if it’s not there, it’s not there, and despite the craziness, you gotta respect the chemistry.

I was talking to Antigone about unconditional love. She says she’s not sure there’s such a thing. I told her I thought i might have experienced the sensation– she asked if it was obsession (see: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.) and I asked her what was the line between obsession and unconditional love? She wasn’t sure there was one, they may even over lap, except in the case of God. I can see that. still. I have friends of mine who i love (in a friendly manner, as friends do) and you couldn’t sway me from that love. No matter what, it’ll be there. Sure, sometimes i’ll be angry, or something, but i’m always open. I’m always here, to be leaned on, to listen, and to give my love away freely. Maybe i just have a stinking high opinion of myself to say that i can do that, but i think i’m doing it as much as I can. Maybe my condition to love is that i know you. People i don’t know irritate me to no end. I have to admit that. *nods* I guess, i’m sorta not as good as I thought i was… but i’m living it as close as I can to it.

Also, we discussed in class today why people drink. It’s not to get drunk like one might assume, it’s to feel love. It lowers your inhibitions, and i guess then you’re open enough to be loved…. how insane.

i guess that’s no worse than being in love and keeping it to yourself, but at least you have something to numb the pain a little, ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Selfesteem the fourth chakra?] Out