Undone

I wrote a lot in my other Journal (My personal one, the one I carry with me all day.)

I heard this song (I think it came out in 1999) for the first time today. I heard it, and it reminded me of me. Except I’m the person they’re talking about…. and obviously the gender thing is a little screwed up, but just switch Her with him and you get the idea.

Dream – This is Me

This is me (this is me…) this is me

Ah… yeah… (this is me) c’mon…

She stole your heart

Only did it because she could

Chewed you up and swapped you around

That girl never was no good

Baby I will never do that

I’ll love you faithfully

But your suspicious mind thinks

I’m gonna repeat her story

She’s making you crazy

Making you a wreck

Making you follow me

Making me a suspect

You seem to think I’m playing her game

Don’t you know her name

That was her, this is me

We’re as different as can be

She and I we’re nothing alike

You confusing day with night

That was then, this is now

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (this is me)

(This is me…)

Stop making me feel bad

I’m the best thing you ever had

The only thing I’m guilty of

Is giving you too much love

(She’s making you crazy)

She’s making you crazy

Making you a wreck

Making you follow me

Making me a suspect

You seem to think I’m playing her game

Don’t you know, don’t you know her name

That was her, this is me (yeah)

We’re as different as can be (you gotta know)

She and I are nothing alike (yeah c’mon)

You confusing day with night (day and night)

That was then, this is now (now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see (see)

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (this is me)

(This is me…)

Don’t suffocate me, don’t misunderstand me

Don’t make me pay, for all her mistakes

Believe or not, it’s in my kiss

(Don’t see things that don’t exist)

That was her (yeah) this is me (whoa)

We’re as different as can be (yeah c’mon)

She and I are nothing alike (no, no, no, no)

You confusing day with night (oh…)

That was then, this is now (this is now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how (you don’t know)

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see (can’t you see)

That was her (this is me)

That was her, this is me (oh…)

We’re as different as can be (uh… yeah)

She and I are nothing alike (oh, oh)

You confusing day with night (day and night)

That was then, this is now (you’re mine now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

(You don’t know how)

I’m never gonna mess around

(Mess around…)

Set you down, can’t you see (c’mon)

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (get a grip)

Am I crazy, or just paranoid.

I think the latter

I was reading something, and I just thought, maybe games are teaching kids to be more violent, but mothers are saying, they were never violent as children. I have to wonder if the games are teaching them, but they were naturally skiddish. I have to wonder– is it better to have an aggressive child or a submissive one. As a submissive person myself I have to say, life as a submissive person, is not one anyone should have to live. It’s a vicious cycle. BLAH

But….. couldn’t video games also teach children to become assertive (the middle between submissive and aggressive) I don’t mean to say that people should make video games where the hero tries to talk reasonably with the villain first. I mean that with an appropriate dosage of real life interaction, as well as the training of aggression and aggressive behavior…. maybe the next generation of kids, can be a little more balanced.

Derringer Meryl [Nothing Alike] Out

Shopping SPREE!

Well today was pay day, and while I didn’t get MUCH, I got what I wanted. (Besides I have to save for Winter Ball!)

Buffy Musical Soundtrack – $2.99

Wool Skirt From EXPRESS – $33.65

Grumpy Slippers – $10.66

Cloth to make my Prom Dress Acceptable – $11.66

Halelujah! I might buy more later, but I’m happy now. I would have been happy with out the stuff, but I’m good all the same. I think I’m going to drag myself into the Comic Shop (the only one around here)

Blah, I’m going to post lyrics for the rest. . . I love Boxcar Racer: There Is

this vacation’s useless

these white pills aren’t kind

i’ve given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive

i missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9

and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights

i’ve given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have

the days have come and gone

our lives when by so fast

i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor

where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

there is

those notes you wrote me

i’ve kept them all

i’ll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall

with every single letter in every single word

there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

there is

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

there is

I don’t know– Is there?

Derringer Meryl [Give me something to sing about] Out

Let me run off at the mouth for a while…. I just need to — ya know?

Sometimes I want things so bad, that it makes me hurt, that I can feel the hurt inside of me– and that I cry…

I never cry. I didn’t cry and my Grandpa’s funeral, I don’t cry in sappy movies, I don’t cry when I think about all I have in life.

Doesn’t mean I don’t care, and it doesn’t mean i’m not grateful.

It means Id on’t cry.

So to say thinking about what I want… no, that’s not right. THinking about who I want, makes me cry– it’s not a simple thing, it’s … it makes me hurt down inside… it’s really serious. Super.

All my life i’ve been taught to marry a mormon, have mormon babies and cook mormon food (a variation on what the Greeks were taught in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) What happens when what I want in life isn’t that?

What if the man of my dreams is Catholic?

I’m still at war with myself on this one. I just need to hit on (as in beat on) one of my coworkers, and i’ll feel better.

I just need someone sometimes. And i’m not exactly the picture of Animal magnetism.

And Heaven forbid some man become interested in me–

I would have no such clue as to what to do. I don’t date. I don’t socialize. I’m a friggin’ Hermit for the love of God. I am so lost now. I don’t miss the social life.

I didn’t know there were different types of stalkers (the guys at work are convinced that I’m stalking a friend of theirs. He’s my friend too, or at least I think so. Maybe that’s what makes me a stalker.)

The fact that I have social anxieties– makes me a stalker? I can’t believe it. Oi, so now that i have an ailment that makes me some sort of psycho who calls at two am to ask what color of underware you’re wearing? NOT EVEN!

I didn’t dig through trash

I didn’t steal his number

I don’t follow him home every night–

and I don’t know where he lives inside of his house

CRAP, the only time i’ve been in his house was when I was invited there anyway!

Anyway. I don’t know what I need to do–but i have to get rid of this need for him. the feeling in my stomach that he means something, that he’s important somehow.

I’m insane.

Derringer Meryl [She stays just out of sight] Out

Emotions make me angry–

I hate the up and down feeling… the fact that when I see someone emotions are elicited within me that make me happy, and so very sad at the same time….

Because I know– That the smile on their face, isn’t about me. It isn’t for me. It’ll never be for me. Because I’m never going to be good enough. I’ll never be good enough for a smile, or a grimace, or anything.

I’m only good for a laugh.

Derringer Meryl [Round and Round] Out

Oi, So I just finished watching Maid in Manhattan I have to admit, it wasn’t too bad, normal fluff, though Jlo sure is a bad dancer in it… Oi.

Anyway, the over abundance of Fluffy girl shows (otherwise known as chick flicks) i’ve been watching, sorta makes me …. not sad, nor depressed…. it makes me long for a life. I suppose the road not taken by Robert Frost applies here…. I bet you’re wondering why…. I chose, between two roads– I chose to live an academic life, instead of the social one… instead of the lively night life, i chose books, and teachers and filling my brain with gobidily gook. So much information is stuffed into my cranium I don’t know what to do. I could recite to you for hours on end about the Greek Gods and their importance…. I could tell you how to properly set a table for a dinner party, I could show you how to make your own party hats with tassels that would make everyone want to ring in the new year, with you. I know how to take apart controllers for any gaming system, clean them, and put them back together. I know how properly clean disks that have gotten smudges on them, I know what games are appropriate for what age range. I know what games suck, and which don’t….

I don’t know how to flirt

I don’t know how to ask someone out, with words, spoken ones.

I don’t know how to accurately communicate with my spoken words…. I get tongue tied… my extensive vocabulary is a waste in my head, since none of it can come out of my mouth, only through a pen, or in this case, keyboard.

I can HTML with the best of em, I run five websites, and I can give you advice unsolicited on ANYTHING.

I watch.

I watch life.

I watch people and what they do–

and I know why they do it. but I can never do it myself. Never. because I watch– and sometimes when I watch, I can pick it up, and do it myself. I can recite it back– but I get lost in the motions–

I get lost in the steps when I do it myself. I get lost in what i’m doing– and I become scary.

I get lost in the dance of life–

no one wants to teach me what to do.

Derringer Meryl [Teach me to dance right] Out