Undone

Let me run off at the mouth for a while…. I just need to — ya know?

Sometimes I want things so bad, that it makes me hurt, that I can feel the hurt inside of me– and that I cry…

I never cry. I didn’t cry and my Grandpa’s funeral, I don’t cry in sappy movies, I don’t cry when I think about all I have in life.

Doesn’t mean I don’t care, and it doesn’t mean i’m not grateful.

It means Id on’t cry.

So to say thinking about what I want… no, that’s not right. THinking about who I want, makes me cry– it’s not a simple thing, it’s … it makes me hurt down inside… it’s really serious. Super.

All my life i’ve been taught to marry a mormon, have mormon babies and cook mormon food (a variation on what the Greeks were taught in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) What happens when what I want in life isn’t that?

What if the man of my dreams is Catholic?

I’m still at war with myself on this one. I just need to hit on (as in beat on) one of my coworkers, and i’ll feel better.

I just need someone sometimes. And i’m not exactly the picture of Animal magnetism.

And Heaven forbid some man become interested in me–

I would have no such clue as to what to do. I don’t date. I don’t socialize. I’m a friggin’ Hermit for the love of God. I am so lost now. I don’t miss the social life.

I didn’t know there were different types of stalkers (the guys at work are convinced that I’m stalking a friend of theirs. He’s my friend too, or at least I think so. Maybe that’s what makes me a stalker.)

The fact that I have social anxieties– makes me a stalker? I can’t believe it. Oi, so now that i have an ailment that makes me some sort of psycho who calls at two am to ask what color of underware you’re wearing? NOT EVEN!

I didn’t dig through trash

I didn’t steal his number

I don’t follow him home every night–

and I don’t know where he lives inside of his house

CRAP, the only time i’ve been in his house was when I was invited there anyway!

Anyway. I don’t know what I need to do–but i have to get rid of this need for him. the feeling in my stomach that he means something, that he’s important somehow.

I’m insane.

Derringer Meryl [She stays just out of sight] Out