Undone

How…

*sighs deeply*

I got passed up for a promotion at work for the guy i trained. *frowns* it wouldn’t be so bad if….

If i weren’t on the outside. THey do things together, when they have free time. I know they do. Some times they forget to not talk about it in front of me, like they try to keep it a secret, so i don’t feel bad, but i know.

i know i’m not a part of them. i know that i am part of the work crew, but i’m not a comrade, or a friend.

i’m nothing more than the jerk that makes them clean the bathroom cause it’s getting gross. I’m not really anything special to them.

Just Meryl.

THey go to movies together, and have inside jokes…

and I know that no matter what i do…

i’ll always be the little match girl.

because I don’t fit. I dont’ fit in where people want me to, or where I want to, or at all. I don’t belong to a group, I can’t be labeled.

The people who are labeled should feel lucky. People may fear their lable, but they fear more the people that they can’t label. I want someone to label me. I just want …..

to belong some place.

Derringer Meryl [unlabeled] out

he’d do anything to sparkle in his eye

she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise

she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright

for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse this all away

she can’t hold him this way

she must rinse this all away

she can’t love him this way

how she’d be soothed, how she’d be saved if he could see

she needs to be held in his arms to be free

but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand

’til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[chorus]

and if she runs away she fears she won’t be followed

what could be the worse than leaving something behind

and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow

it’s loneliness she finds…

if only he was mine

she’d do anything to spakle in his eye

she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise

she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright

for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse him

she must rinse him

she can’t rinse him

she can’t rinse him

she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him

she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him

she must rinse this all away

she can’t hold him this way

she must rinse this all away

she can’t love him this way

Why can’t the heart of a woman, ever be found in the arms of a man?

Derringer Meryl [Who just needs to find someone to love] Out

Everyone has something they’re really good at, that no one else in the world is good at.

I’d like the delusional psychopaths that drilled this line of thinking into my head as a child, and still do, to come and meet me, the epitome of mediocrity.

I’m not even joking. I”m okay at everything. Is that my special talent? That I”m just okay at everything? I dont’ understand. Why they seem to think that If I try my hardest that i can suceed, and then I try my hardest, I do my very hardest at everything, I give it all I have, and all I ever get back is nothing. I get nothing back. You think I”m joking?? You should hear me try singing, acting, speaking, or writing. I’m okay, just okay, nothing spectacular, just okay.

Want to know why I keep trying? Because someone else drilled into my brain that if I kept trying, and practicing, that I”d get better. I’m a living testament that you don’t. You don’t get better, you don’t improve. Shove your talents where the sun doesn’t shine, because that’s what they are good for.

Not really. Some people are that good, that they should share their talents with all the world. BUt I got beyond the point of deluding myself about my great worth. I have no invaluable talents.

Except that I am the one and only me. That’s about it. That’s all Ic an do. That’s it. Don’t ask me to do any more than be me, because that’s all I can do. I can breathe like me, talk like me, and act like me, and disfunctionally speak like me. I’ll never be excellent, I’ll never be superb. I’ll just be Mediocre Meryl.

That’s all. I’ll never be a great friend, and that’s it. I’ll never remember your birthday, even if we are on speaking terms, because I can’t. I can only do a fifty-fifty job. Only OKay.

Don’t expect something great from me. Don’t expect me to reveal something deep to you when I write, because I”m not writing for you. I’m writing for me, and for all it’s worth, I think my mediocre writings are funny, and despite the fact that they’re just okay–

just fair.

I love them all the same. I’ll never be a Poe, or a Wadsworth, or Dickinson. Because I’m just Meryl.

So suck it up, and deal, because i’m at my peak of mediocrity.

Derringer Meryl [I am Okay] Out

Ever just want to tatoo a huge note on your head that said “Reject” ?

I do.

Well not really, honestly I feel like there’s one there now. Like everyone is ignoring me…. like they’re hiding something. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

Ah, I take it back, I know I am. I know I”m paranoid.

Anyway…..

I just wish things made more sense. I don’t understand why God gave me a brain, when no one listens to what you’re saying unless you’re really pretty.

Then they listen. That’s what’s pathetic.

Sure, they nod, so you think you’re doing well, but when you see the ballots in front of you, you know the truth…. You know you aren’t pretty enough to be enticing…… and that doesn’t even make sense.

The words I speak, are never justice for the words I think. I know so much, but I can’t … articulate them. Now i don’t mean I speak sloppy, I mean i don’t know the right words to emphasize what i’m saying…… so I sound stupid.

I just want to have them leave me be. I never really understand why withdrawing from society will make me feel better, but at least I don’t have people who are trying to comfort me all the time.

At least I’d be where I think I belong.

she’d do anything to sparkle in his eye she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse this all away she can’t hold him this way she must rinse this all away she can’t love him this way

how she’d be soothed, how she’d be saved if he could see she needs to be held in his arms to be free but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand ’til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[chorus]

and if she runs away she fears she won’t be followed what could be the worse than leaving something behind and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow it’s loneliness she finds… if only he was mine

she’d do anything to spakle in his eye she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse him she must rinse him she can’t rinse him she can’t rinse him she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him she must rinse this all away she can’t hold him this way she must rinse this all away she can’t love him this way

Rinse it all away

Such a naughty girl am I! I didn’t update after my date. *grins wickedly*

Shame.

ANyway, It was rather interesting, from my point of view, I took an hour trying to find his house ([sarcasm]Thanks Yahoo, you’re directions were SO helpful[/sarcasm]) and of course I finally found it, but Then we had to go and find the place it was at (Go Counting Crows!) And, that was an adventure that took two hours of finding it.

Anyway, we went, had a lot of fun, and the nice thing was that my date didn’t even know who the Counting Crows were, and still went. 😉 He’s a doll for that.

We went to dinner after and the whole hootenanny of a date ended around Midnight. (smiles) It was fun, and I was grateful for the fun, I don’t seem to get my daily intake.

*hugs* I think I’ll go to Winter Ball with him… *crosses her fingers* I hope.

Anyway, I know this is short, but I”m busy trying to think of two things:

a)How to fix my dress, so It’s modest (ie has sleeves…. ya know.. er yeah)

b)How to ask him, so it’s really cute.

Anyway, Ta for now

Derringer Meryl [Hey Mrs Potter won’t you talk to me] Out