Undone

I thought I’d post, I usually post after work, and since I can’t sleep, I thought I better.

I ache everywhere. My ankles, my knees, and my poor hips.

Ouch.

I had a good time at work today, dispite how slow it was, I got to work with a lot of people (as in co-worker people) and I got to talk to a nice guy. He’s a regular, anime-guy I’ll call him, because he’s the anime-guy, and he knows practically everything. He’s very sweet, and not so shallow like the other guys. Very rare.

We’re training an MIT (Manager In Training) and she’s very nice. I got some extra hours cause I was a good little girl, and I can pout with the best of them. 🙂 Trust me, no one can say no to my pouty face, not even… umm I dunno the Pope.

Nope, he couldn’t, he’d let me get away with… a lot of bad stuff, and I’d pout and get out of it.

I’ve been all shakey today. I hate that. Shakey shakey. Oh and I found out that I may be (Very high possibility) lactose intolerant. I think thats how you spell it… anyway. That sorta isn’t too fun because I love my Ben and Jerry’s. I don’t know what i’ll do when i get all sad–

I can’t have my B&J’s. *sobs*

You can never be too rich or too….

Thin, the blood has run out

Fangs ruin any cute pout

Morning has come now they’ve flown

What have you learned from what has been shown?

I love that song Translyvanian Concubine By Rasputina and Manson. I don’t listen to Manson much, but this song, is one of my favorites. Well it is now. I love that. I love how i can change favorite songs. Last week it was Sometimes it Hurts and this week it’s Translyvanian Concubine. I love music. All kinds

My best friend is moving in… did I tell you that all ready? more than likely yes. my room is all ready for her, but it feels all odd without her there, just cause there’s a large space for her bed, and no — her! 🙂 I miss her.

dare I say I’m possibly the most tired person in the world, who cannot sleep. Okay so I take that back, cause i’m sure there’s amother out there who has lost her daughter or ahh something like that.

That’s sad. No more sad. I like happy.

There’s something I never thought i’d say. I like happy. I like happy thoughts and happy things. For the most part, well no. People might think Vampires are sad things, but I am happy when I think of vampires, so I like happy things like vampires. so ha! my brain is slowly decaying. Bye bye brain…. lol

The things that make me happy, might make someone else sad. like… chocolate. that might make some girl who can’t eat it sad. right? I’m sure. >_<;; I’m slowly falling asleep at the computer.

Bad Idea.

I just want to write a lot and make my entry long. I miss making long entries. It’s something I enjoy.

All the things that form their lives, but they’re….

Dead, their sighs, their songs

They know what they do is wrong

*sigh* I suppose I should go for now. I’m so right out tired. I should take some tylenol…

Derringer Meryl [Translyvanian Concubine] Out

I worked

I worked well.

I worked like the moron I am.

I got HIM a cd he had lost. Well correction, I burned him a CD that he had lost. In anycase, I got it for him, he’s probably listening to it right now. He was very greatful for it. I was happy to make him happy. I wish I was happier.

Want a happy-o-meter? I’m indulging in Ben and Jerry’s. I”m not sure, but I htink I may be lactose intolerant, but I’m just addicted to my B&J’s, and I just don’t care. I don’t care if it makes my tummy go into knots every time I eat it.

Oh well. Cause i’m just screwed. No one wants to talk to me about HIM anymore. They say i talk too much about him. It’s more than likely true.

Painfully true.

SO I hate myself for it. I hate myself because I know nothing can happen because I’m a good girl, and he’s a good guy, and I’m … practically five. That’s what it feels like anyway. I wish I just felt older. That’s a justified wish, right?

I’m supposed to go to bed at a decent hour so I can get up and ready my room (ie clean) for my friend. She’s moving in with me, and I need to get it ready for her to live in. I have to box up some stuff, and I have to put some of it in storage.

It’s all good. It’s a price I’m ready and willing to pay. I just need to keep cleaning.

Derringer Meryl [Sometimes I wish I was stronger] Out

I did a new layout. Still based on the one I got at Unsaid designs. I don’t know how long it will last, I have to find a good B&W of Sarah.

SHe’s my obsession of the moment. Trust me I have plenty of SMG pics, I just need to sort through them, and figure what ones would make a good side to my page.

It wont take long, SMG looks good in all her pics. Why?

Cause she’s always wearing her clothes. She refuses to go nudy. I totally respect her for that. What a doll.

Holding her ground in a tough little world.

Ha!

Anyway. I’m indulging in a little Britney Spears at the moment. Yes I hate her. Yes I think she’s a slut… but that doesn’t mean her songs aren’t catchy and what not.

Blah. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Why? Cause i’m lazy, and I really dont’ want to deal with the whole….. awkward-ness thing. I hate being awkward, that’s why I’m rushing though being a teenager like I am.

OH! great news, it should probably make me more energized, but you know– energy is fleeting thing.

My best friend is moving in with me. Sometimes I’m tempted to say she’s my best friend in the whole world, and then I think, Wouldn’t all my other friends be offended? and honestly, I wouldn’t blame them. *kicks herself* See the thing is, she’s more of a sister, like my other best friend. So for the first time in my life, i’ll have a real live living breathing sister! Wow neat huh? I think so

All you people who hate spending time with your sister raise you hand.

Goood for you.

I wanted a sister. After being all tom-boy-ee i wanted a sister.

So there. I can’t wait.

Anyway– I’m tired, and I want to see if I can update anything else… Like my mood, that is probably like three days old.

Anyway

Remember “Pancakes taste good by the gardinias”

Derringer Meryl [The woman in the moon is singing to the earth] Out

I suppose I’ll redo my journal entry now. *sighs*

It was just really long, and I usually write the things in here as they come to me.

I got my senior picture proofs, and can I say nasty! Ew. Gross. ew ew ew ew. I look horrid. I’d show you, cept that it is literally against the law, I even had to sign a little paper that said I wouldn’t reproduce them.

SO there. I wll never show them to any of you because after tomorrow I won’t have to look at them ever again. Cept the two good ones I’m going to order, which means I have to boogie in the morning and get to the bank.

Yes I am the grownup, I’m paying for my pretty pictures. Oh so pretty. *gags* RIght, they didn’t look so swell.

I worked last night, that is Tuesday. It was fun, HE walked me to my car, simply by accident, but it was sort of endearing… even though it was by accident.

I tried so hard to hate you

But it only makes things worse

I only end up hating myself

And as my hatred grows

So do the lies

It’s hard to face the truth sometimes

God I feel so useless

God I hate myself

It’s the truth, when you get try to get over soemone you want to hate them, cause that will make the pain justified, make the divorce from what you want to do, and what you need to do easier.

And you can’t. Sometimes you try to hate someone to divorce yourself from those feelings, and they just keep — you just can’t you can’t stop liking them, can stop from wanting to spend more time with them, even though you know its bad for you, even though you know it willhurt more next time–

Next time they don’t notice you.

I think you’d know by now i’m not a quiet girl…. but people seem to forget I’m there often enough. I hate it. I hate that I am not enough to pay attention to….

Thats what makes me feel like a little girl, the fact that everytime i’m with people i feel like i have to raise my hand in order to say something. I don’t always feel like that, but sometimes. Like at work. I feel like I have to wait my turn, and that people turn me out of their conversations because i’m not grown up enough. Sometimes i enjoy being innocent, but not when it draws me on the outside of something instead of the inside.

How annoying.

I didn’t go to girls camp. I know i”m such a horrible girl for not going. but honestly I have to say that girls are annoying. That is the number one reason why I will NEVER ever EVER understand lesbianism. Girls are the most annoying creatures on this earth. I do not exclude myself from this. THey aren’t always annoying, in small groups they are fine, but you get more than fifteen women together and you have mental break down.

I can’t handle that many girls. It annoys me to no end.

I know this entry is totally different from the original one… but i feel different now, just the whole mood thing, i change like that. I just do.

Derringer Meryl [‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles] Out

I thought I’d update, It’s been a few days

You know awkward silence? Don’t you hate that? I mean a few minutes of it and someone could say something, or even leave. At work an awkward silence could last for four hours.

Could you imagine? Four hours of nothing but small talk, and — silence. Dull city. Luckily sometimes we have customers, but for some reason it’s been so slow.

Anyway.

I don’t remember where I went or what I was drinking, I know it made me sick, and I’m not denying that I get this way when I try and get over you. I get this way when I try and get over you….

Courtesy of [Stabbing Westward] the song is Sometimes it hurts I’ve most recently fallen in love with it, cause it makes me feel better about the stupid choices I’ve made in the past few weeks. I just wish I could take some of them back.

None of them were huge mistakes, like life shattering baby making mistakes, just little things.

You know like in the movie Sliding Doors it had Gweneth Paltrow, and it was all about “What if You had been ten minutes early instead of ten minutes late, what if you had caught the train instead of missing it” Type stuff. While you do need a British to English dictionary to watch it, I wonder what my life would be like if I took the road not taken….

What if I had been wise enough to choose one fate over another. What if I had the knowledge I had now, why can’t I go back and make a better choice.

And why do I have to live in regret!

Life has been so dull lately. I went to have some fun, and all that found me was a deep and endless stupor.

How jolly great, isn’t it? Oh yes, to live a life that seems to never end and has no glimmer of hope, no reason to keep going.

no light at the end of the tunnel. And the little train doesn’t know why it keeps moving forward, but does nonetheless, because it was told to do so.

Derringer Meryl [Sometimes it hurts so much to loose the one you love] Out