Undone

I suppose I’ll redo my journal entry now. *sighs*

It was just really long, and I usually write the things in here as they come to me.

I got my senior picture proofs, and can I say nasty! Ew. Gross. ew ew ew ew. I look horrid. I’d show you, cept that it is literally against the law, I even had to sign a little paper that said I wouldn’t reproduce them.

SO there. I wll never show them to any of you because after tomorrow I won’t have to look at them ever again. Cept the two good ones I’m going to order, which means I have to boogie in the morning and get to the bank.

Yes I am the grownup, I’m paying for my pretty pictures. Oh so pretty. *gags* RIght, they didn’t look so swell.

I worked last night, that is Tuesday. It was fun, HE walked me to my car, simply by accident, but it was sort of endearing… even though it was by accident.

I tried so hard to hate you

But it only makes things worse

I only end up hating myself

And as my hatred grows

So do the lies

It’s hard to face the truth sometimes

God I feel so useless

God I hate myself

It’s the truth, when you get try to get over soemone you want to hate them, cause that will make the pain justified, make the divorce from what you want to do, and what you need to do easier.

And you can’t. Sometimes you try to hate someone to divorce yourself from those feelings, and they just keep — you just can’t you can’t stop liking them, can stop from wanting to spend more time with them, even though you know its bad for you, even though you know it willhurt more next time–

Next time they don’t notice you.

I think you’d know by now i’m not a quiet girl…. but people seem to forget I’m there often enough. I hate it. I hate that I am not enough to pay attention to….

Thats what makes me feel like a little girl, the fact that everytime i’m with people i feel like i have to raise my hand in order to say something. I don’t always feel like that, but sometimes. Like at work. I feel like I have to wait my turn, and that people turn me out of their conversations because i’m not grown up enough. Sometimes i enjoy being innocent, but not when it draws me on the outside of something instead of the inside.

How annoying.

I didn’t go to girls camp. I know i”m such a horrible girl for not going. but honestly I have to say that girls are annoying. That is the number one reason why I will NEVER ever EVER understand lesbianism. Girls are the most annoying creatures on this earth. I do not exclude myself from this. THey aren’t always annoying, in small groups they are fine, but you get more than fifteen women together and you have mental break down.

I can’t handle that many girls. It annoys me to no end.

I know this entry is totally different from the original one… but i feel different now, just the whole mood thing, i change like that. I just do.

Derringer Meryl [‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles] Out