Undone

I was so nervous about putting up a new entry.

I was afraid he wouldn’t see it, I still dont’ know if he did. Maybe he figured my Journal was private and kept out.

Yeah, right.

*sighs* I might as well say, “Hey, I happened to douse my clothes in gasoline, and this lighter is alittle faulty, want to fix it for me?”

Okay, so that was the lamest little metaphor ever, but I’m not exactly on my game right now. I just… Sorta suck at the talking and not being completely nervous thing.

I just… really don’t want to loose friends. And I’m in the position where I’d consider him a friend. I mean, FETCH, he invited me to a party at his house. None of my …. umm…. okay, some of my friends have, but I mean — he didn’t have to, but did, that’s what made the difference…. and he was probably just doing it to be nice, but…

It made me feel special. Even if my Dad did ruin it.

And I guess that’s what I like about him so much. That doing normal things makes me feel special. Important. We’d just be doing normal store stuff, and when he’d ask me to do stuff….

It was nice. He asked me nice, and it didn’t make me feel stupid.

I didn’t even mind getting his dinner for him cause he asked nice.

Fetch– now you see how far a nice little “Please” can get you. And you know, it makes people have a nice day.

Say Please:

Derringer Meryl [Where there is hatred let me sow love] Out

I have to do this quick, cause i have computer conflictions….

But I did it.

I finally did it. I gave him my internet addy. He might not get it, i left it on his car, but– well the chances are high.

The rest of the entry is in case he should actually get here:

Dear “You”-

You’re here, despite my fears. I gave you my addy, and trust me, the whole time I was asking myself why i felt the need to do it.

Because I can’t spend my life in regret. I know you’re older than me, and you’re also enjoying the single scene….. I however, am not. But I have some important things to tell you before you read the previous entries

I am a lonely girl. You can tell by the title of my site, and this very diary. But I want to tell you, you’re cute. You’re so cute, you’re funny, and you’re one of the few people who makes me feel my age. Not Thirty-one, or five, my age. Me, you make me feel like me. I’m natural when i’m around you.

You’ve introduced me to new ideas, and i like that. You’ve proven on several occasions that Coke is better than Dr. Pepper. You let me hang out with your group, let me hang out with you at your party. I appreciated that beyond all words, even the most eloquent speakers would be left without words at the expression of my appreciation.

Thank you for listening to me rant. I do it a lot, and I appreciate that when I do, i only get a slight tease, and not a lecture. That’s something that’s important. It’s something I appreciated.

When you read some of these entries, I can’t even depict what i was thinking. all I can hope is that you remember what it was like to be a teenager, and that you’ll have some sort of mercy on me.

Here’s the hard part. Yes, I like/d you. I’m currently recovering.

The thing I’m most afraid of is not rejection, but the loss of the comfort that we have around each other now.

After, or if, you read this please just say this to me:

+*=^%Pancakes taste good by Gardinias%^=*+

Say that, and just that, and let us keep going on the way we are.

Please?

Derringer Meryl [She was queen for about an hour] Out

I figured I’d post a real entry, instead of just lyrics to how i was feeling.

I bought the Our Lady Peace CD today. It’s called Gravity. I have fallen in love, how sad.

Some people might be confused at that statement… I can’t blame them, tv glorified the idea. I fell in love with love at a young age because of movies like Cinderella and Snow White. I spent my Elementary years looking for my Prince Charming, when I should have focused on more important things like…. Umm… Subtraction and what not.

I wanted so bad to be happy. I wanted to live in my own little castle, with my husband, and leave my house.

That hasn’t changed, I still yearn to leave my house.

I suppose that’s sad. I know I have it great here. I know that my parents love me, but that doesn’t mean i can deny the abusive tenancies…. that surround my childhood and life today. It’s not something I want to focus on, but the sooner I find that fetching prince the better. He’ll be my one way ticket out of here.

Sure that wasn’t what Cinderella was thinking when she went to the ball, but you can’t tell me she didn’t want to leave her home.

My head is light, and my eyes are heavy. I don’t want to sleep though, i know what i’ll dream about and it’s not something i’m really looking forward to. It hurts to dream. No I take that back, it doesn’t hurt to dream it hurts to wake up from the dream. It aches in my body to shake myself from the nightly delusions of splendor to the drab appearance of reality.

It saddens me. Everything does. Even things that once made me happy. all that makes me happy now is reading stories and watching movies.

I was never an active girl, so it’s okay with me that i literally fry in the sun.

OHHHH i’m sure you think that’s a joke, that i don’t really fry in the sun. Well here’s a reality check, I do. I would die if i spent more than three hours in the sun. Okay, Die is an exaggeration. I’d get deathly ill, and if it wasn’t taken care of quickly, THEN i’d die. So the whole basking in the sunlight with my love, is dashed all to hell.

I wouldn’t mind spending time in the sun with someone I really loved. I mean, Really really really loved. Someone who was persistent enough in their love of me, they’d make sure I’d get water, even though I’m a ditz. They’d watch me drink it…. make sure i was okay.

They’d hold my hand in the shade when I got dizzy.

Enough of that. I really don’t feel like imagining scenes that will never happen. Not with HIM nor with anyone.

No one makes me feel complete. Not yet anyway. They make me feel nice, and stuff… but not… complete.

I want to be complete. I feel like I’m walking around with half my mind in another body. I want to have someone finish my sentences, and not feel all funny and stupid about it after wards.

Did I mention I have a vivid imagination? I can see these scenes in my head. I can see them play out, and I can almost feel the breeze on my face, and my hair lightly moving around my face…… leaning against a large tree in a park, as I watch them play…. they’re playing Horse… You know the basketball game where you spell out horse, I never understood that game.

I want someone to remove the imagination portion of my brain. If you can do that, Please…. email me.

Derringer Meryl [Thought that I was going crazy] Out

(*+=Pancakes taste good with Gardinias=+*)

My heart aches when i hear this song. It’s his favorite band, or group, or whatever.

It reminds me of him, and that’s what hurts. I’m going to make a CD of all the songs that remind me of him, and then– then listen to it all day, and all night, and get him out of me.

Last time I talked to you,

you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,

lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,

strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,

watch them float away.

Down here in the atmosphere,

garbage and city lights,

you gotta save your tired soul,

you gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,

to find you on sattellite,

I’m waiting for the sky to fall,

I’m waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,

when you’re homesick and need a change.

I miss your purple hair,

I miss the way you taste.

I know you’ll come back someday,

on a bed of nails awake.

I’m praying that you don’t burn out,

or fade away.

All we are is all so far

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there, oh.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity….

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me.

Well I know,

I know.

You’re falling out of reach.

I know…

Derringer Meryl [Pathetic as usual] Out

I think this describes last night at work, well to a tee. I can’t help it, it’s so true.

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when

I smiled and said just fine

Oh but baby I was lying

CHORUS:

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

I miss you more each day

There’s not a night

I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurt

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride

And watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

I miss you more each day

There’s not a night

I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

What I really meant to say

Is I’m really not that strong

No matter how I try

I’m still holding on

And here’s the honest truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

What I really meant to say By Cyndi Thomson.

I sang that to myself all night… *sigh* I’m just hopeless I guess.