Undone

Sappy and Clingy

I said so. I am so I am. That made no sense, but then again I happen to not care.

It’s me. I know I”m sappy because when I look at the Morning star it reminds me of him, and there’s no reason why other than it just does. Or why when I go to work (and break my quarintine) I get butterflies in my stomach when I walk in and he says hi, and there’s dimples in his cheeks that are just perfect. There is NO reason why I should feel like that.

No reason. No signs.

I’m a five year old stuck in a seventeen year old body.

I feel like it. I feel like no one takes me serious.

Tonight at work a customer said I’d make a good boss. Whereupon my co-worker agreed, and the customer left.

My two co-workers laughed about it. It hurt my feelings. It’s really stupid I know, but I felt like maybe they actually took me for more than just eye candy for once. i felt good. Until they snickered. all my confidence went into the garbage. Good for me, I’m eye candy, and nothing more or less; if you could be less.

Honestly I just think that life will move on. Oh well.

Closing time you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here….

I know who I want to take me home–

Do I?

Derringer Meryl

I worked tonight. It was interesting since I have now had four weeks of quarintene…. or however you spell it. I don’t know

But being there makes me happy and sad all at the same time.

Closing time– one last call for Alcohol…..

I know who I want to take me home–

And i know who I want to take me home… Take me home

Honestly– I don’t know who I want to take me home, what my heart wants– conflicts. Not that it’s anything new– I’ve been in conflict for a while– It’s something I do apparently. So it’s nothing new to me.

I wonder- What life I should choose. One way I wonder if I would really be happy– and another I’m not sure either. But I’m more sure than the first way.

*sigh* But my heart wants what it does. It wants salvation and to cry at God’s Feet, but it wants to be happy with HIM. I’m not sure. Maybe I wouldn’t even BE happy. Maybe I’d just be– be me? Be unhappy. Maybe I’d just end up happy for time, and not eternity?

Maybe I’ll just go delude myself with some fairy tales for a while?

and i know who i want to take me home….

please take me home

Derringer Meryl

I have never been so confused in my life.

After putting myself in pretty much three (going on four) week quarantine from HIM. It’s been rather successful, at least I think so. One would assume that i contracted Pneumonia for the soul purpose of avoiding him! *cough cough*

Except for the fact that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…. .Well maybe Al Gore, but that’s another topic for another day.

I’ve been thinking about fairy Tales recently, how they delude people into thinking that life could ever be like that. I don’t think i’m upset for the rest of the world so much as I am for me. I’m upset that i believed it. that i believed that life could be so pretty for everyone. It never is. I suppose the fact that i was young and an idealist made it possible.

It’s funny how easy people become cynical. I was once told by a relative of mine that i was cynical. I gave that person the cold shoulder for the rest of their stay. It was annoying. No one likes to have their faults examined publicly and shown to them.

Or do they?

I know I have to say I don’t.

One thing is that life keeps changing, not always for the best at times, but changing none the less.

I have my best friend coming over tomorrow. I’ll be a different person with her. She’s the person who doesn’t care if i tell her how i’m feeling, in fact she wants to know.

Just like i want to know how she’s feeling.

I keep having this dream. My family is in a car, we pick up a hitchhiker (which we NEVER DO) and he falls in love with me, and it’s so….. *blinks* romantic. Honestly It’s like one of those fairy tales I was talking about. He tells me He loves me, and for some reason we can’t be together….. and i fall for someone else– but he ends up marrying me anyway– somehow. it’s a really odd re-occurring dream. i’ll have to analyze it later……

Derringer Meryl Out

If I could– I’d give up nearly everything I know for a beautiful body.

Nearly everything. I’d keep the knowledge of the gospel– but everything else– gone. I wouldn’t care. I’d be gorgous and I’d sell video games– at an amazing rate.

I’d date! Shocker. I actually would date if I were pretty. If one man who was not blood related to me would tell me that I was hot. That he’d date me– I’d date.

I get the little sister treatment.

I don’t mean your best friends little sister. Imagine (if you’re a girl) that you’re a boy, and someone wants you to date your little sister.

Nasty! I know.

A boy once told me he couldn’t date me because I reminded him of his little sister. I hate that. I hate the fact that i”m not demure and — and– coy and all the things boys like

I’m not what they want. I’m not what they’ve been looking for all their lives. I’m their little sister.

Annoying, Bossy, and someone you want to leave you alone for the rest of your life.

That hurts.

Derringer Meryl Out

Today I’m home again

I’m not as sick as I was, but next week they stop taking attendance. I’m going tomorrow…. but i’m …

so not enthused.

School does not stimulate my thinking processes. To put it simply…. school is as good for me as two gallons of gasoline pumped into my body.

what a good analogy. School kills me slowly. My brain feels slightly stupider each time I leave school. I even just used the word ‘stupider’ instead of ‘more stupid’

I found out that my school ranks in the five worst in the nation for spending per student. We only spend around Four thousand a student. That may sound like alot but take into consideration that one of the other bottom states spends ten thousand per student; a difference of six thousand.

How sad is that?

They’re ‘surplussing’ some of our teachers. If you know any thing about bureaucratic ways you know that they always take the good ones anyway. It’s really sort of sad. THen you’re left with mediocre teachers who used to have a passion for teaching, but now just don’t seem to care as the good students with promise who can’t comprehend what they’re teaching, slip through the widening crevices of the school system.

Our school teaches ‘caring’.

Yeah right. Caring about what? Caring about only themselves as the facist bastards sit high in their well paid seats on capital hill. Oh they care alright as they raise their pay wages by twenty percent. “We deserve it!” they cry, as the small voices in each school district cry out for solace, cry out for a savior to help them from the depths of their own wallowing.

No one cares. Not about the Students. Not about the teachers.

We are America’s Future; You get what you pay for America…. if what you pay for is morons– welcome to the future you built.

Derringer Meryl out