Undone

I have never been so confused in my life.

After putting myself in pretty much three (going on four) week quarantine from HIM. It’s been rather successful, at least I think so. One would assume that i contracted Pneumonia for the soul purpose of avoiding him! *cough cough*

Except for the fact that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…. .Well maybe Al Gore, but that’s another topic for another day.

I’ve been thinking about fairy Tales recently, how they delude people into thinking that life could ever be like that. I don’t think i’m upset for the rest of the world so much as I am for me. I’m upset that i believed it. that i believed that life could be so pretty for everyone. It never is. I suppose the fact that i was young and an idealist made it possible.

It’s funny how easy people become cynical. I was once told by a relative of mine that i was cynical. I gave that person the cold shoulder for the rest of their stay. It was annoying. No one likes to have their faults examined publicly and shown to them.

Or do they?

I know I have to say I don’t.

One thing is that life keeps changing, not always for the best at times, but changing none the less.

I have my best friend coming over tomorrow. I’ll be a different person with her. She’s the person who doesn’t care if i tell her how i’m feeling, in fact she wants to know.

Just like i want to know how she’s feeling.

I keep having this dream. My family is in a car, we pick up a hitchhiker (which we NEVER DO) and he falls in love with me, and it’s so….. *blinks* romantic. Honestly It’s like one of those fairy tales I was talking about. He tells me He loves me, and for some reason we can’t be together….. and i fall for someone else– but he ends up marrying me anyway– somehow. it’s a really odd re-occurring dream. i’ll have to analyze it later……

Derringer Meryl Out

Well I still am sick. But they know what it is now.

Pneumonia.

More than likely I just horribly spelled that wrong. I don’t care. I don’t mind and I’m betting that i’m the only one who reads this on a basis that is more than sporadic.

Finally it is easing up.

anyway exfiles is ending, and I want to watch.

Ta- Wish me luck on my crazy final things.

So i happen to still be sick. However add to the constant coughing the possibility with each coughing spree a nosebleed that lasts about a half an hour.

Not so much fun.

So I missed work.

Then I had horrible panic attacks all day that I would be fired. I usually can reason my little worries and what not away with some confidence with the people around me. I ask them the question that’s bothering me, and they reassure me. That’s how it NORMALLY works.

Except today.

They all agreed that it was a serious possibility that I could get fired.

To them I say a great big thank you. Nothing like panicking a person who has Anxiety disorders.

REAL great Idea.

The whole Idea was bleed all over stuff and cough on the air I breathe at work, or stay home and do the same.

I chose to stay home. I could have went. Maybe I should have. I wish I had someone to comfort me. That is other than my Cat, who is currently on my lap. While a cat is comforting, I wish he could talk. And yes that might be a little freaky– I enjoy the thoughts of a talking cat.

*Thinks about how often her silent cat is around her*

Never mind. Talking Cats are a very bad idea.

A boyfriend who is sensitive and straight is better.

I worry that every phone call is my boss firing me. Telling me that I’m not a team player…. that I’m not doing what I should.

Oy.

I’m so grouchy too. I don’t feel like talking– I just want someone to say that I don’t have to worry about HAVING a job at 17, that it’s okay that I just have to worry about highschool stuff, like the prom and whether I’m nice enough.

I don’t need to worry about a car, any kids, a job, or anything else.

Why was my childhood squandered? oh right i had no choice, and since it’s been robbed I’ll just become the cold hearted bitch that hates the person who stole it.

I can’t live life– it’s been stolen from me. ITS TOO LATE.

Derringer Meryl Out

Have you ever been so oooo ooo ooo ooo sick that you wanted to hurl every time you cough?

I have. The horrible thing is that they don’t know what it is. So annoying. I cough until my head hurts, and my throught wants to never speak or move or anything. I cough and cough….. Till my sides seize with pain. It makes me wheeze to walk from one class to another, it doesn’t usually, just right now while I’m sick. My chest hurts, my teeth clentch….. is that spelled right? Clentch. clench…. clench…. there. I could fix it, but it would void that whole line, and that takes time to do that. I don’t feel like taking the time. Call it a quirk.

Did I tell you my boss chased me around with lysol on monday? Serious. If anyone who reads this *cricket sounds* can tell me the hazards of inhaling lysol– please leave me a note, email me, do whatever you need to. I’d really like to know.

The moral dilemma there is though…. that my boss is a really nice guy, he just didn’t want to get sick– That’s understandable. He thought I was coughing on air. If you heard me, you’d know different. Maybe he doesn’t have any asthma in his family– anyway. He was afraid of me like I had the plague.

Oy.

I could sue, since I told him to stop, and it was making it worse and what not, but he has three kids, and one on the way….. He needs this job.

i need my life

I don’t know if it’s gotten worse because of that. I don’t know because I’ve never had this before….. Sure I’ve been sick, I spent a good portion of eighth grade in the Doctor’s office trying to get the stupid HMO to take my tonsils out.

They wouldn’t for nearly a year. Then a new strain of Strep throat came out that was resistant to ammoxicillin, and they were scared. I knew I had helped make that virus. I don’t feel bad, I blame the HMO. Now instead of giving anti-biotics they just send you home and tell you to drink fluids. Of course listening to your patients isn’t an option.

Oh Well, I finally got my tonsils out. Thank goodness to the nice doctor I finally went to.

Thank you Doctor.

Stupid Bueraucracies. Grief.

Anyway- I’m not sure what to do. I’ll ponder and get back to you

DM out