Undone

Scary stuff to report. I gave hints to this site. To Him.I don’t know what I was thinking. It was like my mouth and my brain, not so much connected. Sheesh.

I hate the fact that I apparently have no control over my mouth. I hate the fact that I’ve fallen into such an infatuation with him. That I want to look like a goddess when I”m with him, and be perfect.

Maybe my hands are connected to my brain either. I’m sure if he ever read this, he’d laugh his butt off, not because he’s rude, but because i’m a sap. A really large, stupid odd sap. He’d laugh because I’m nothing more than a little sister to every man I know (Or daughter, depending on the age) And maybe the fact that he might like me too– makes me feel good, and as long as he doesn’t know– I don’t have to be rejected.

I hate myself for exposing my soft underbelly. I want to be somebody else…… That’s all I want. Really odd right? I bet alot of people feel that way.

Right now I’m wondering–

“What if he reads this?What if he hates me for this? What if he never knows and I grow up as an old maid because I never told him how I really feel.”

Then I remember my own advice to myself on another guy. “Life is short, there’s no time for the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘but they might’s in the world.”

Still. I never have felt my heart race quite like it does when I’m around him, I never feel quite as happy.

Still. I could be happy knowing that he is happy with the woman of his dreams; even if it isn’t me. I’d hurt inside, but I could deal with it.

Derringer Meryl Out

I told the guys at work I had an online diary. They laughed. I told them I wrote about them in the diaries….

They laughed more.

I can’t blame them, it feels sorta funny to stick my feelings and what not onto the world wide web for GOD and everyone to see. Then I realized that it’ll get lost in the shuffle, and it’s really just here for me.

I happen to be one of the giddiest people alive right now. I know how to get what I need, and do it. I love being able to do that. I get the reservations at work I need. I love that. I can do what I need to.

I’m so very tired, I realize that I’m typing this around midnight and all, but I can’t sleep– I’m a night owl–

I just want to be with the things of the night. Not dark things, just things that come out at night. bats, night time flowers, the cool breeze. I detest the sunlight. What can you do? Nothing. Cause day is day, and night is night.

I want to live in the night forever.

I miss being able to daydream about things, to waste my time and not worry about needing more. I want that again…..

I see the perfect man, many perfect men…… But I don’t deserve them, because i’m not perfect. Oh.

What blitherings do you get when little Meryl Is tired.

DM out.

So I haven’t wrote in a while, I’ve just been a little busy pondering life, especially my many guy problems.

Oy.

On Saturday morning I got a surprise of a wake up ‘call’ from my friends at six am. I made Lit Mag. A group of people who gather various prose and poetry and make it into a magazine for our school. More than likely if you’re in school, you too have a lit mag. Talk to the English teacher near you.

It was a very nice wake up call, yes yes. The night before I went to a school dance. I don’t go out to things like that very often, but that night I did. Just because I wanted to be with my lit mag friends. I do consider them all my friends. I was light hearted and danced the night away– and all I could think about was my knight in shining armor. (If you want to learn more about him, read the previous entry) I couldn’t not think about him. It made me happy and sad all at the same timeto think about him at the dance. I wanted him to be there, but I didn’t have the guts to even just call him at work…. that made me mad at myself. I pride myself on doing things without fear, especially in a social sense. I do not fear my peers…. I fear only what he truely thinks of me.

I suppose that makes me a sap. A horrible horrible sap– but as I watched people dance, as well as danced myself— all I could think about was how much I wanted him to be there- and How I knew that we could never be together. No matter how much I wanted to.

It makes me sad, very sad. I could pretend that it doesn’t make me sad, but I threw away the whole acting thing a long time ago. I just wanted to be who I was, not some phony baloney. So I Keep it as real as I can…. but sometimes its hard.

One good thing to come out of the whole dance was the fact that I could make my ex inexplicabally angry with the way I flirted. He tried to make me angry back–but to no avail.

Well I’m off for tonight, to play Yu-gi-oh or something, maybe a new layout for my page– who knows–

DM out…

Today– I have to say I feel like Crying. Honest. I normally don’t cry much, but beyond the strain of work (homework, etc) I have the strain of a love that can never be. I suppose-

I can’t remember what it’s called.

Oh Yeah, unrequited. It’s hard. It happens to me a lot though, I’ll muddle through…. 😉 no worries. My Heart will survive the strain.

He’s everything I want. ….. Everything I need– Except he isn’t of the same faith as me, and to some of you who are reading this that isn’t important to you, but it means a lot to me, so I have to let my heart ache-

He’s to cutest guy you’d ever meet. I don’t mean cute like you’d think, like High school girl oozing over how cute a boy is– I mean cute. Like he’s adorable, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I can’t. I’ll have to remove him from my mind. We’ve became really close from working together– and I can’t say that I don’t dream of him– not just– It’s something beyond a physical thing, cause– he doesn’t like me like that…. I just wish beyond wishing that my birthday that would finally make me legal would be closer.

He makes me feel good, and when I’m around him I don’t care about anything but telling him. And when I’m not near him– he’s all I can think about– all-

I love talking to him, hearing his voice on the other end of the line…. It’s not much. I suppose I just want ot enjoy what I can have. Even if all I can ever do is talk to him, and hang out with him…. I’d be happy. Totally elated– Everytime I’m with him I forget everything else in the world.

I need to push him out of my mind

Derringer Meryl Out

Today is Wednesday. I am fourth for NCFL, which didn’t go too bad yesterday. I’m still behind on my presidents, but what can you do.

I read the Book Bunny Bunny today. Like in probably a half and hour. It is possibly the best book in the world. I love it. I have to admit, i didn’t cry, but if I were more emotional right now, I would have.

Today we talked about love in our psych class, I said that love extends beyond time, and bodies….. and that love has only two conditions; you and the person of your affection. No one else matters when it comes down to that.

I took the NEO-PI R and I happen to believe that it did a good job of finding what my personality was.

My cousin is getting married this saturday. It’s really — not very exciting for me. Weddings=people and also Weddings=loss. that’s all I get from that. I loose people, I see people, too many people. I hate it. I hate weddings, and I hate this wedding.

*Sigh* I’m a little more than way behind on my presidents. I’m alot behind, but I need lots more sleep. Lots. A lot and lot, and lot lot lot lot. tired.

Derringer Meryl out