Undone

So I haven’t wrote in a while, I’ve just been a little busy pondering life, especially my many guy problems.

Oy.

On Saturday morning I got a surprise of a wake up ‘call’ from my friends at six am. I made Lit Mag. A group of people who gather various prose and poetry and make it into a magazine for our school. More than likely if you’re in school, you too have a lit mag. Talk to the English teacher near you.

It was a very nice wake up call, yes yes. The night before I went to a school dance. I don’t go out to things like that very often, but that night I did. Just because I wanted to be with my lit mag friends. I do consider them all my friends. I was light hearted and danced the night away– and all I could think about was my knight in shining armor. (If you want to learn more about him, read the previous entry) I couldn’t not think about him. It made me happy and sad all at the same timeto think about him at the dance. I wanted him to be there, but I didn’t have the guts to even just call him at work…. that made me mad at myself. I pride myself on doing things without fear, especially in a social sense. I do not fear my peers…. I fear only what he truely thinks of me.

I suppose that makes me a sap. A horrible horrible sap– but as I watched people dance, as well as danced myself— all I could think about was how much I wanted him to be there- and How I knew that we could never be together. No matter how much I wanted to.

It makes me sad, very sad. I could pretend that it doesn’t make me sad, but I threw away the whole acting thing a long time ago. I just wanted to be who I was, not some phony baloney. So I Keep it as real as I can…. but sometimes its hard.

One good thing to come out of the whole dance was the fact that I could make my ex inexplicabally angry with the way I flirted. He tried to make me angry back–but to no avail.

Well I’m off for tonight, to play Yu-gi-oh or something, maybe a new layout for my page– who knows–

DM out…