Undone

Scary stuff to report. I gave hints to this site. To Him.I don’t know what I was thinking. It was like my mouth and my brain, not so much connected. Sheesh.

I hate the fact that I apparently have no control over my mouth. I hate the fact that I’ve fallen into such an infatuation with him. That I want to look like a goddess when I”m with him, and be perfect.

Maybe my hands are connected to my brain either. I’m sure if he ever read this, he’d laugh his butt off, not because he’s rude, but because i’m a sap. A really large, stupid odd sap. He’d laugh because I’m nothing more than a little sister to every man I know (Or daughter, depending on the age) And maybe the fact that he might like me too– makes me feel good, and as long as he doesn’t know– I don’t have to be rejected.

I hate myself for exposing my soft underbelly. I want to be somebody else…… That’s all I want. Really odd right? I bet alot of people feel that way.

Right now I’m wondering–

“What if he reads this?What if he hates me for this? What if he never knows and I grow up as an old maid because I never told him how I really feel.”

Then I remember my own advice to myself on another guy. “Life is short, there’s no time for the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘but they might’s in the world.”

Still. I never have felt my heart race quite like it does when I’m around him, I never feel quite as happy.

Still. I could be happy knowing that he is happy with the woman of his dreams; even if it isn’t me. I’d hurt inside, but I could deal with it.

Derringer Meryl Out