Undone

New links up, nice eh? I thought so. *nods* added one for Antigone, who is the specialist’s wife. He calls himself “theorb77” so don’t get all scared, it’s the same person, I just call him something else here. 🙂 cause of the ever so good line from FMP “I’m not an Otaku, I’m a specialist!” which is what he is. He seems like a dork, who thinks he knows everything…. (I’m going to get beat on later for this) but he’s really smart, and does know a lot of things. It’s like he can forsee the future, which makes me wonder if he has some kind of contract with the devil…. heh. I’m so getting bruised tomorrow. Sad….

Tomorrow’s thanksgiving. Which reminds me of my random encounter today at the sev. (Which, for those of you who don’t speak dorkish, is the seven eleven.) This guy, and his mullet wearing child, turn and stare at me, like they’ve never seen someone like me before. Since i’m white, and have brown hair and brown eyes, I honestly Do NOT know how they could NOT have seen someone like me before, but i suppose it’s more of a saying than anything else…. anyway, they stare and nod at me for a few mintues… after debating whether i should tell him to take a picture and turn around — or just be polite, i land of course on the more logical “Be Polite” reaction, and thus smiled back. the Man asked if I was ready for the oncoming holiday. I continued to grin at the idiot who was grinning at me, and responded that I was ready. He said he was going to gain at least five pounds tomorrow. I simply smiled and waited for him to pay for his gas, so I could pay for my hot chocolate.

My mom says he was flirting with me. It seemed to me like a casual, but annoying, conversation, not flirting. Like when my dad starts talking to the clerk at the grocery store, and you can see their smile tighten as he rambles on about the price of broccoli or some such crap.

But, true to retail form, they remain polite.

Which reminds me again, i have work early on Friday. How fun. 🙂 Day after Thanksgiving Massacre, i’m sure it’ll be just as bad at our store. We’re having a sale, buy two used get one free. I’m grateful, maybe we’ll clear out some of the titles that are overflowing our Used sections. We’re ready for Christmas. 🙂 I am. I’m ready to get it over with…. *sighs* I’m SO ready. and of course, three days after Christmas, is my birthday…. Merylmas (Laughs, I think not) and I’ll be happy, and also nineteen. It’s great. It’s funny no matter how old I get, I still feel like a five year old. Great, isn’t it? I thought so *sighs*

I’m still debating with myself what to get people for Christmas. Whether I should be distant and aloof, or tender and warm (also known as OVERLY CLINGY) is totally up in the air. I also found a book today, that I’m not sure if I should get Gert or not. It’s Tony Bennett, Maybe I’ll write Friendjamin an email and ask him what he thinks. *shrugs* and i found a moose that i’m going to get Artemis. 🙂 I’m so happy!

Derringer Meryl [Giddy and confused] Out

Nothing better than being wrenched awake by the screams of a four year old for his Grandma. Oh Yes, It’s been a pleasant morning.

My hands are better, thanks to my mom and her meddling ways, I guess I shouldn’t say that, it doesn’t sound like i’m really thankful. Shame on me… and two days before thanksgiving… *sighs*

I worked with Artemis last night. Sh’e just so funny. Dateless called her and he’s apparently sick. Poor guy. *frowns* i’m still the uneasy queen, and despite the fact that Monkey once again left his sunglasses at work, they’re still at work. I’m better about my clepto ways…. LOL, I’m not really a clepto, i just like to tease Monkey.

It’s a little crazy. I’m still bad– and the things i’ve done are bad– and i don’t know how to … i don’t know where the stopping is. I guess i don’t have the will to, for oneof my evil ways. THe guilt is going to eat me….. and well– someday i’ll be eaten from the inside out, and the minions of the devil will drag me speedily down to hell.

Derringer Meryl [Bad Bad Bad] Out

That’s what I am. A huge fool. For letting my heart take control of my mouth, time and time again… and everyone beats me down, for being loves… uhh.. well I can’t say.. Ohh. Okay, Love’s Slave. I’m honestly always doing what my heart tells me to. It’s not a good way to live. Not really anyway. It’s …. complicated. Especially when the rest of the world lives by their head.

No one is quite the old style romantic I am. I seriously belong in the victorian times. Except guys then would find me appalling because i’m so vocal. 🙂 Shame on me. Heh.

So basically, no one now will date me, and no one then would. I’m a girl out of time. *laughs* Here goes 6,902!

Go Back, SweetHaven

Why don’t you go back?

I know you wouldn’t hurt anymore

Than when you left

Then you would not have to be alone

You only for you, you say you’re happy

Whoopity Doo!

You know that’s not true, and they know it too

You’re playing the fool

Go back, go

So you say it’s whack

Sleep, you get next to none

You’re having a meltdown and jumping the gun

You’ve heard of suggestions that hit like a ton

Well I’ll give you one…

Go back, go

So you say it’s wack go

If you don’t go the end we’ll be sad

If you won’t then you’ll lose all you had

You’ve been running hard

You can’t find your place

And the memories won’t erase

Go back, go

So you say it’s wack

What threw you off track?

Always has been one of my favorite songs. 🙂 Go RM CD. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [It’s what i do] Out

I was just talking with Wudan’s wife, since I watched their son tonight, she was driving me home– from their house– and she was talking to me, about how i deserve so much more than i’m giving myself. I nodded silently–

I guess I just don’t understand. She called someone I care about a loser. I can understand what she’s saying– but–

I guess i can see the possibilities within everyone. To be good. To be Bad. I just choose to see the good within everyone…How could I not? How could I choose to see how evil everyone is. How dark and dismal the world would be. Maybe that’s why people kill themselves, they see how dark it is, and assume there is no hope for it getting better any time soon…. I can understand that. it’s weird to think of myself as … positive. But I don’t think anyone is a loser, or evil, or anything like that. I think good people do bad things, and that’s why bad things happen to good people…. because that’s the way it goes…. the way life is. No, I can’t think of anyone i know who is a loser. I know people down on their luck, and those who aren’t very good at social activities, and those who don’t necessarily know how to properly date, or whatever… doesn’t mean they aren’t good people… doesn’t mean they don’t need someone to care about them.

Everyone needs a little TLC sometimes, right? I know i do. SOmetimes I go berserk, and just need a hug, and need someone to tell me that everything will be okay. And sometimes i don’t get it…. Sometimes I cry at night because i’m sleeping by myself for the (does the math)6,901st night of my life. I’ve been alive that long, and I’m sleeping alone again. and it gets a little hard… to be by yourself that long.

I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who aren’t married. I’d die.

and I care. About people. I’m loyal to people to a fault. People who are good. I see the good. They can do bad things, but It’s almost as if, i can see them with heaven’s eyes… It’s like, i know what they do is bad. I know it’s bad for them to do what they do– but I can’t think badly of them. Maybe it’s a fault, or a short coming, or — I don’t know.

I just don’t know. i just know, people don’t understand it. Don’t understand my need to defend someone who hurt me. Why I need to cling to my friends…. I guess it’s because — in my mind, they aren’t just friends, they’re family. Just as much as my real family. They listen to me, and they do good things for me, they invite me out places more than my siblings do, and it’s nice… and they’re nice. sometimes they do mean things to me, or say something that isn’t nice to one another– but it’s just like a family, you get on one another’s nerves, and can be rude. Sometimes you step on someone’s toes, and sometimes someone is hurting… and you … I just want to help them. Make them understand that I know exactly how it feels– that the hurt will go away– and they aren’t broken– Just … waiting to find someone who will love them the way they are.

Derringer Meryl [Loyal to a Fault] Out

Isn’t it fun? Being horrible to yourself. Driving yourself a little deeper into the floor, tasting dirt in your mouth–

knowing you don’t deserve any better. It’s just… interesting.

I went to Church today, and it seemed like every word stabbed a little deeper, telling me that I was going to hell. No one said it. Honestly, most of it was about redemption from sin, but I can’t believe how it only made me feel worse.

And i was thinking, how i regard myself as broken. Not quite right– a little off kilter– basically just– *sighs* Broken. and — how I could fix it if I just let God take me and guide me…

I guess i’m so used to being broken, being any other way doesn’t seem quite right.

Maybe i’m sinking into another bout of depression, as i’m bound to… and it would make sense, since i have no control over my life, or anything in it…. Not what I do, or what I wear, or who I talk to. What I say. And I can’t say what is inhibiting me. My dad, my religion, myself. I think it’s mostly the last one, that i’m too scared to do something against what everyone expects. I’m too scared to say that i don’t want to go to college, and that I don’t want to wear these clothes that are pretty, and that I want to go hang out with Gert, on a Sunday– Of all days. And i’m at war with myself, because I don’t know if I do really want these things because I want them, or because I can’t have them– because someone told me no.

There was no choice. There was a decision, but there was no choice. It was like a judgment, that was made for me. I want to follow the precepts of the gospel– I want to be faithful daughter of God…. I don’t want to do it by my father’s rules. And it feels like I’m a dainty flower in the Arizona sun– and i’m not sure if i’m going to survive living here. Not sure if i’m going to be okay–

I just know i need out. I need to be out. And i don’t know if it makes sense, but — I’d like to do something wrong, so i can start doing things right…. for myself. I can’t do that here. I can’t do that with my father looking on.

*sighs*

Good, Better Than Ezra

Looking around the house.

Hidden behind the window and the door.

Searching for signs of life but there’s nobody home.

Well, maybe I’m just too sure.

Maybe I’m just too frightened

By the sound of it.

Pieces of note fall down, but the letter said,

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Sitting around the house,

Watching the sun trace shadows on the floor.

Searching for signs of life, but there’s nobody home.

Well, maybe I’ll call

Or write you a letter.

Now, maybe we’ll see on the Fourth of July.

But I’m not too sure, and I’m not too proud.

Well, I’m not too sure and I’m not too proud to say.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

{spoken:}

Yeah, you were so good. yeah you were so good, yeah that’s right…

Derringer Meryl [Pondering] Out