Undone

I was just talking with Wudan’s wife, since I watched their son tonight, she was driving me home– from their house– and she was talking to me, about how i deserve so much more than i’m giving myself. I nodded silently–

I guess I just don’t understand. She called someone I care about a loser. I can understand what she’s saying– but–

I guess i can see the possibilities within everyone. To be good. To be Bad. I just choose to see the good within everyone…How could I not? How could I choose to see how evil everyone is. How dark and dismal the world would be. Maybe that’s why people kill themselves, they see how dark it is, and assume there is no hope for it getting better any time soon…. I can understand that. it’s weird to think of myself as … positive. But I don’t think anyone is a loser, or evil, or anything like that. I think good people do bad things, and that’s why bad things happen to good people…. because that’s the way it goes…. the way life is. No, I can’t think of anyone i know who is a loser. I know people down on their luck, and those who aren’t very good at social activities, and those who don’t necessarily know how to properly date, or whatever… doesn’t mean they aren’t good people… doesn’t mean they don’t need someone to care about them.

Everyone needs a little TLC sometimes, right? I know i do. SOmetimes I go berserk, and just need a hug, and need someone to tell me that everything will be okay. And sometimes i don’t get it…. Sometimes I cry at night because i’m sleeping by myself for the (does the math)6,901st night of my life. I’ve been alive that long, and I’m sleeping alone again. and it gets a little hard… to be by yourself that long.

I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who aren’t married. I’d die.

and I care. About people. I’m loyal to people to a fault. People who are good. I see the good. They can do bad things, but It’s almost as if, i can see them with heaven’s eyes… It’s like, i know what they do is bad. I know it’s bad for them to do what they do– but I can’t think badly of them. Maybe it’s a fault, or a short coming, or — I don’t know.

I just don’t know. i just know, people don’t understand it. Don’t understand my need to defend someone who hurt me. Why I need to cling to my friends…. I guess it’s because — in my mind, they aren’t just friends, they’re family. Just as much as my real family. They listen to me, and they do good things for me, they invite me out places more than my siblings do, and it’s nice… and they’re nice. sometimes they do mean things to me, or say something that isn’t nice to one another– but it’s just like a family, you get on one another’s nerves, and can be rude. Sometimes you step on someone’s toes, and sometimes someone is hurting… and you … I just want to help them. Make them understand that I know exactly how it feels– that the hurt will go away– and they aren’t broken– Just … waiting to find someone who will love them the way they are.

Derringer Meryl [Loyal to a Fault] Out