Undone

This is the song of the moment. I love this song. It’s slightly upbeat. I feel like it applies here– I’m not sure who between Red and I is the singer. Who is the object (the girl) maybe it’s a duet between us? I don’t know. I think we’re on the same page as far as this. I’m just really not sure of much right now. I’m really not sure of much. (except the previous entry) Let Me Go, Cake

When she walks
She swings her arms, instead of her hips
When she talks she moves her mouth, instead of her lips
I’ve waited for her for so long
I’ve waited for her for so long
I’ve wondered if I could hang on
I’ve wondered if I could hang on

“Let me go,” she said
“Let me go,” she said
“Let me go,” she said
Let me go, let me go

Derringer Meryl [Cake sounds good] Out

okay. Right. *blinks*

I suck, the end.

I got that new layout I was talking about. Isn’t it special? I thought so. 😀 Still all blushy. I think some of the initial shock of “Oh My Goodness, I’m going to get married” has worn off…. because i’m actually eating again. Sorta scares me…. How much i eat. *shakes her head* My will is in direct comparison to aluminum. *smiles* My mom keeps gently reminding me that i need to stay thin enough that i’ll fit into my wedding dress.

I think I just need to find a happy balance between “Stressed eating everything in sight” Meryl and “I’m so in love i haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m okay with that” Meryl. Neither one is very healthy. I have three months from now until the wedding. I should really work on getting skinnier. Not unhealthy skinny (see Tracy Gold from Growing Pains) but back to a more healthy weight. I mean, I’m not super fat. I know that. I’m not obese. I’m glad of that. I don’t think I’m ugly the way I am. I just would perfer to be smaller, is all. Fifteen pounds is all it would take to knock me from being overweight, to a healthy BMI. Isn’t that sad?

It disturbs me that I’m so obsessed with this. I know Scott doesn’t care. He says I’m beautiful (multiply that into fifteen other ways to say that) just the way I am. I feel beautiful just the way I am. I just wonder if I’m healthy the way I am. And honestly– I’ve never felt prettier than when i’m with Scott. I feel … wanted. No conditions, no rules are bars or “You just need to…” statements. I think that’s wonderful. I just really hate living in this world. I hate living in a place where people are screaming about eating more healthy and looking thinner, and being more fit. I feel like i’m going insane. All that women become are pretty things to look at, very few women are admired for their minds. One tends to believe they have no mind. You don’t hear them speak out– average women. I mean sure, there’s Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell (anyone else want her to shut up?) and Sharon Osborne, but are they saying anything worthwhile? Are they saying it themselves? Or is it just something prefabricated by some person behind the scenes. Just another pretty face to push the package.

*feels a little sad* I guess I kinda went on a binge tonight (I tend to do that when I’m feeling down) I shouldn’t have eaten a lot of what I did. I had two lunches (to make up for the fact I had no breakfast) Dinner, Chips, Pocky, and Pudding…. and two eight ounce bottles of water. Every time I ate I felt my brain screaming “Don’t eat that! You’re going to get fat!” I could say I get that from my mom, one of my earliest recollections was of my mom grabbing my waist and pinching saying that I needed to loose some. I think I was like eight. I dont’ mean to sound like I blame my mom. I’m just– I’m tired of crash dieting. That’s what it is. I don’t blame my mom. She’s the greatest mom ever. She helps me all the time. I love her.

I remember not feeling as pretty as the girls at school, as young as the second grade. My hair was a rats nest, and I was a chubby kid. I was. No doubt. I had a sweet tooth. I had like seven of them. It was all I would eat. Any sib of mine can tell you that. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like the other girls. I don’t know when it finally hit me, but I finally understood that i’m not the other girls. They didnt’ understand me. THey didnt’ understand that I couldn’t do the things they were doing. I didn’t have a boyfriend in Elementary like they did.

Every message I got from my first boyfriend was that I was undesirable. I had never felt so low as I did that year. I looked horrible, I felt horrible. My life was trashed. I was thirty or so pounds overweight. It only got worse with each time he said “God Meryl, Could you weigh anymore?” Sometimes I can stil hear him asking me. I remember how funny he thought it was. I remember trying to cling to how much I loved him. I couldn’t lose him. I was so scared. I think being hurled into depression that year was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, it sucked at the time, but I felt great after it went away. Because of the depression, I lost my appetite. (Food and my emotions go together like bread and butter) I didn’t eat, so I lost a lot of weight. I learned how to style my hair. I learned that my first boyfriend was a complete and utter jerk (for the lack of a better word that isn’t profane) I pieced my life back together. But I cut a lot of social stuff out of it. I learned that people weren’t really reliable in times of need.

I love me now. I think I look great. I just dont think i’m in a place where I can withstand all the “you need to look…”s of the world. I wrote a poem about it. I got passed up for a lot of prettier girls. I was really– tired of it. Tired of being the girl the guy needed a wingman for. Tired of guys saying “Hey, who’s your friend??”

I’m so glad that I don’t need to worry about the lot of that anymore. The Singles scene. Blah. 😛

To sum this up. Scott thinks I’m great the way I am. I think I’m great the way I am. I want to fit into my wedding dress. So–

No more binging over arguments.

Derringer Meryl [And I’ve waited for him so long] Out

I really need to get a new layout. New picture, less green this time. 🙂 *nods*

I’ve been thinking a lot. The Mouth gave me a few things to think about yesterday (I couldn’t call Scott at work when I felt all icky, so I annoyed my co-workers instead…) about how Maybe Red could have been in my line if things had worked out differently. I’m not sure. Did I have plans to involve Red in my wedding? yes. I did. Am I certain i want her there now? Not really.

Oh by the way, see where it says Norahl on my side bar over there? Click there to read what she said.

See the thing is, Amy and I … well …. we don’t have the most healthy of relationships. I USED to depend on her for her approval in things. She literally picked out my clothes before dates (I asked for help, I felt like I needed it.) I made her read all of my writings… I desperately needed her in my life to say “You’re doing great, keep going.” And I guess with her gone, i’ve learned to live with out it. Learned that I can pick out clothes that are cute and modest. Realized that my writing doesn’t need her seal of approval. I don’t think what we had was a friendship as an apprenticeship. That’s what it felt like. Sure, we did friend stuff. We hung out, we went shopping– but for me every minute I was looking for her approval.

I guess I don’t need it so much anymore. Maybe that’s another reason why I don’t want her to meet Scott. Or she didn’t meet Scott. I don’t know how my brain works. I can’t make excuses for myself. it’s the lazy way out.

Our relationship was abusive, on both our parts. We know it. We’ve had that discussion before. I guilt her into things, she guilts me into things. We’re both very guilt prone people. We use it, we abuse it. It’s bad.

I don’t think there’s much of a point to this entry– except to say, I don’t think I’ve ever hated or discounted (consciously said she was less than me) Red as a person. I could never hate her. NEVER. I couldn’t throw her out like yesterday’s news. Nope. I do love her as my friend.

I just don’t like the person I become when I’m with her. Some how unconsciously I degrade myself when I’m with her. I’m rude (very very very rude) and I disrespect my parents. I don’t listen to anyone when I’m with her, but her. I put her into the place of power.

I don’t blame Red for this. It’s really REALLY not her fault. It’s mine. It’s some sort of psychological mishap in my brain. In a way, I make her a victim of my victim syndrome.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Trying to Sort things] Out

I think this has been building up in me for the last twelve days. This entry is mostly for Red, but you can read it if you want. I’m certainly not going to stop you.

Last summer, I was hurt very badly. We were on the slow boat to repairing that when you went to college. College is hard on ANY type of relationship. This you know. This we both understand. I was still really hurt from that. I’m not now– I understand why it happened. You were vaguely apologetic. You bought me things to prove our friendship. I regret a lot about graduation night. I regret ever thinking I could trust you with something so important as the very beginnings of a fragile relationship with Monkey. I hurt. I hurt a lot. I don’t so much anymore. The only thing that hurts is that you never seemed really apologetic about going after him, only that you told me.

Next. I couldn’t tell you I had a boyfriend. You were never here. Never called, never wrote, never were online. I understood that you were busy, I didn’t want to interrupt. You have very important things to do with your life. I understand that. You were going places and doing things, and honestly, things I couldn’t really relate to. Maybe I should call to your recollection the fact that you didn’t contact me at all last week when you were in town. Maybe I should bring it to your attention that I don’t trust you with Scott. I’m sorry for it, but I don’t. I wish I could, but we’re still in some sort of limbo place that we don’t seem to be moving from. You didn’t call me at Christmas either. You even stood me up at Christmas. You didn’t call me on my birthday.

I may be at blame for some of this. Sure, It’s my fault too. I didn’t call you. I admit that. That’s me. I own that. But you are just as guilty of the same offense. As for my Maid of honor. I have known Care Bear a LOT longer than you. She’s stood with me through everything. Even liking the same boy….

I love you Red. You’re one of my best friends… you should know that.

Derringer Meryl [Owning this] Out