Undone

I really need to get a new layout. New picture, less green this time. 🙂 *nods*

I’ve been thinking a lot. The Mouth gave me a few things to think about yesterday (I couldn’t call Scott at work when I felt all icky, so I annoyed my co-workers instead…) about how Maybe Red could have been in my line if things had worked out differently. I’m not sure. Did I have plans to involve Red in my wedding? yes. I did. Am I certain i want her there now? Not really.

Oh by the way, see where it says Norahl on my side bar over there? Click there to read what she said.

See the thing is, Amy and I … well …. we don’t have the most healthy of relationships. I USED to depend on her for her approval in things. She literally picked out my clothes before dates (I asked for help, I felt like I needed it.) I made her read all of my writings… I desperately needed her in my life to say “You’re doing great, keep going.” And I guess with her gone, i’ve learned to live with out it. Learned that I can pick out clothes that are cute and modest. Realized that my writing doesn’t need her seal of approval. I don’t think what we had was a friendship as an apprenticeship. That’s what it felt like. Sure, we did friend stuff. We hung out, we went shopping– but for me every minute I was looking for her approval.

I guess I don’t need it so much anymore. Maybe that’s another reason why I don’t want her to meet Scott. Or she didn’t meet Scott. I don’t know how my brain works. I can’t make excuses for myself. it’s the lazy way out.

Our relationship was abusive, on both our parts. We know it. We’ve had that discussion before. I guilt her into things, she guilts me into things. We’re both very guilt prone people. We use it, we abuse it. It’s bad.

I don’t think there’s much of a point to this entry– except to say, I don’t think I’ve ever hated or discounted (consciously said she was less than me) Red as a person. I could never hate her. NEVER. I couldn’t throw her out like yesterday’s news. Nope. I do love her as my friend.

I just don’t like the person I become when I’m with her. Some how unconsciously I degrade myself when I’m with her. I’m rude (very very very rude) and I disrespect my parents. I don’t listen to anyone when I’m with her, but her. I put her into the place of power.

I don’t blame Red for this. It’s really REALLY not her fault. It’s mine. It’s some sort of psychological mishap in my brain. In a way, I make her a victim of my victim syndrome.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Trying to Sort things] Out