Undone

I hate school. I hate it SO MUCH! *pulls on her hair* I still don’t have my book back for (this is ironic) my stress management class. I loaned it to a friend (i almost said leant) and STILL do not have it back. I’m exhausted from worrying about this blasted Dead Poets Society paper that’s due on thursday (heh, also ironic) that is only worth 10 points. I have enough extra credit to not do it, and be fine.

I still did it all the same. I have a psychology paper that’s pretty much due on thursday too. i have no idea what to write it on. I thought about doing it on ADD, and I’m just– i just don’t want to do it. I’m totally resisting homework of all sorts and kinds.

Don’t get me wrong. I love learning. I could sit down and learn all day– just not in an institute of learning. heh. Once again with the irony. I hate teachers. They think they’re so great. Yeah, they should be respected, they did a lot to get where they are, I’m sure. I don’t think I need to spit polish their shoes because they graduated from college though. I hoped it would be better in college, but it seems to be worse. I think it’s some kind of power trip because they’re lording power over another person. that causes people to go a little nuts.

I think I’m also pretty grouchy because I haven’t seen Scott since Sunday. Suuuure, we spent all day together, and you think that’d tide me over for a while…. but…. no. I was reading a book today (I’ll spare you the title, since I’m sure if i told you, you’d revoke how much you wanted to know.) and i was sitting in my car before class reading it, and I just sorta freaked out. It was the first time I was really actually nervous about getting married. Just the whole shebang. And scared. It was odd. I admit, there is no where else I’d rather be than with Scott. No where. The idea of being with him forever is a welcome one. I love the idea. I love that we’re going to be together, forever. At the same time though, it’s a looming thought. I’m scared of all those other people I know who (most of them) just got married “until death do you part” and they’re not happy at all. I know Scott’ll never stop loving me. So i’m not sure where the freaky part is. I just sorta … I think it’s me. I’m scared of what i’ll be like. what if I become a naggy wife who won’t let him do the things he likes (ala video games and coding)? What if I go berserk and say something I don’t mean? What will I do when the happy fuzzy bunny feeling I have right now inevitably goes away? (as a note here: I could not be happier in my engagement to Scott. that’s what makes me wonder why i have all these stupid feelings. Since I met Scott, I have been so… wow. I don’t know any words for it. Euphoric? In anycase, I don’t know where this all comes from, but I know for a certainty that I love Scott and we are meant to get married to one another.)

I am a panic person. I have anxiety issues. I’m pretty proud of myself, I’ve nearly been off my medication for a year now. I’m going through a pretty stressful (but HAPPY!) period of my life, and i’m dealing well. I worry. I worry too much.

I was driving down a main street from school (SSC) and saw an advertisement for a play (musical/opera thing) that i’d really like to take Scott to. It’s one of my favorites. Absolutely. Basis of my entire sophmore year research paper. i don’t know if he’d like it, but I love the show (i’m not sure how good it’ll be, i’ve only seen it on film) and I’d like to go. I’ll have to look into ticket prices. *smirks*

Well– I’d better work on my Creative Writing homework. I hate doing it, but I have nothing else to do until Scott comes home. :-S

Derringer Meryl [Just a little tired] Out

I have some sort of luck of the irish with mondays or something.

Sunday was great, i got to spend all day with Scott, and we got to hang out iwth some of his friends, and it was just so much fun. I love being with him. We talked about some pretty heavy stuff, too. I’m so grateful that I have him in my life. I just don’t know what i’d do without him.

Back to the horribleness that is Monday. I got woke up this morning by my mom reporting to me once again that I shouldn’t keep Scott out so late. I agree. But it’s like time flies when I’m with him, and i honestly do not know what time it is. *sighs* My mom is right. I don’t want Scott to get sick, because with Diabetes you get REALLY sick, and I don’t want him to get into some sort of crazy car accident…

that would really not be good.

I got to class today, only to remember that i had a huge assignment due today, that I didn’t do because i lent the book to a friend. I have work all day today (after school) which means no Scott-goodness. Then after work i have to re-watch Dead Poets Society so I can take notes on it. Blah. Or I can just write another paper instead. I might do that. I also have a presentation in psychology due on thursday and a paper due by the end of the month.

:-S I do not enjoy college. I do not enjoy being in school. Busy work is of the devil.

and I miss Scott. I’ll be so happy when this semester is over and i can move down there into an apartment or whatever. I don’t really care.I just sorta want to shut the book on this whole school thing. I’d go to work full time and just be a grown up and everything.

I’m SO done with school right now.

Derringer Meryl [I’m not QUITTING persay…] Out

I was reading Ryoko’s new blog (I’m calling her that. She’s Antigone’s sister, Youngest sister) and she was commenting on kissing.

I highly recommend waiting. Very much. I learned that it sorta kills you a little inside to break up with someone you’ve kissed. i mean, I never did it, but I emotionally was torn up with not doing it, so i can’t imagine doing it and then breaking up.

It’d be very odd. Heart breaking.

Not that Scott was the first guy i kissed… well. Okay. He was the first guy *I* kissed, but not the first guy to kiss me. *thinks* that makes sense to me. Another guy sorta stole my first kiss from me. … and i’ve commented on that before, so i’ll just go back to the point. I love the fact that I waited. I think of kissing as a very intimate thing. I’m just that way, hand holding too. I’m just– I subscribe deeply to the “my body is a temple” way of thinking.

and the fact that I usually recoil from human touch, sorta goes with that too. *smiles*

I got my ring last night. It about Killed Scott as I was chatting away with the ring in hand, but I didn’t know it. It was on the stem of a rose *sigh* and Carebear and her sister were there for it, I was all gross in my after work clothes, and my hair hadn’t been done in days– but i felt like a princess.

Anyway– I’ll write more on it later. I should really be a better hostess than I am being. Laters

Derringer Meryl [I have a pretty ring] Out

I thought I’d comment on this by Wudan:

I’d have to say that our concept of a partner is often tied up with our concept of self – we change, they change, we, “grow apart”, as is the beck-and-call of so many divorce attorneys.

Ya know, even before I was engaged, I spent a lot of time thinking about marriage. I know i’d be uber freaking out right now If i hadn’t previously thought about what I wanted and how I wanted to get married.

I’m not so worried about the wedding details as I am the marriage there after.

I haven’t been surrounded by the best examples of marriage. Divorce runs rampant in society, with one of two couples getting divorced. I remember (not that it was so long ago) that I admired my Seminary teacher’s marriage. I had never met his wife, but he kept pictures of them together all over the classroom, not just the office. It impressed me. We were talking about Temple marriage one day in class, and he said to me, “Don’t get married thinking that Divorce is an option. It’s not. If you think it is, you’ll surely be divorced.” He told us about what would happen if he had a bad day at work or something like that. He’d come home, his wife would say “How was your day at work?” he’d respond that he didnt’ want to talk about it. She’d just smile and say, okay. She didn’t press him, or bother him, but simply let it go. He expressed that at some time he’d tell her about it, what went wrong, but he made sure to leave his work troubles at work.

He also told us (me, because I asked in specific) that there are hard times. He did fight with his wife occasionally. It happens. To expect it. To understand it.

I’m terrified of that. Terrified that it’ll be like the fights i’ve heard before. I can’t even express how much the idea of arguing with Scott freaks me out.

and on a completely unrelated note:

And i find myself feeling odd. I have so many words traveling through my head, so many things I could say to Scott, just comments, or things i notice– nothing bad…. just How i feel at a moment, or how much i love him. I find it all trapped inside of my brain because of my slow tongue. I’m not witty and a fast talker (dont’ ask me how i got to be in debate) I don’t have an extensive vocabulary. I’m fairly sure that most of the words I wish i could say don’t even exist. i just sit there speechless, wondering if he can even understand how completely lucky i find myself.

Not everyone gets to find someone as wonderfully perfect for themselves as Scott is for me. *sighs* Okay, I”m gushing all over now, i had better go and take care of the washer.

Derringer Meryl [Ups And Downs] Out

I was discussing with Sukie how i have bad memory, which is one of the reasons I write in here, and how I forget when i’m angry at people. To be more specific, I remember i’m angry, I just usually dont’ remember why.

Then she said “Don’t you remember what [My oldest brother] did to you three years ago?”

I responded that he probably pissed me off.

Three years ago was the beginning of who I am now. *gleams* The girl gamer who loves anime, and listens to punk rock music. Oh yeah. *thinks* I wasn’t really big into gaming as a kid. I remember Excitebike (the only game i could win) and Final Fantasy (I never played as a kid, only watched) and vaguely metroid and the like. I never really played much. I watched occasionally. I really liked Legend of Zelda, I just wasn’t any good at most of them. I have (had?) bad hand eye coordination…. I love games though. I guess that’s where my oldest brother comes in. I had received a Xena fighting game and my own paddle for the N64. Now. I have four sibs, and including me that makes five people. We could rotate in and out of playing, or i could be bullied into not playing at all. I’m sure that my oldest brother meant it as some sort of gest, but he said I couldn’t play because I was a girl. Now considering at this point he had two kids and had been married Three or so years. this isn’t some punk kid who’s fourteen telling me that I can’t play, it’s my oldest brother.

*sighs* I suppose i have always been really serious about people saying “You can’t because you’re a girl” I hate that. I heard it all through growing up… “You can’t play with our toys, you’re a girl.” or “You can’t come hang out with us, you’re a girl.” Eventually it turned from just being a girl to being “Little Sister” which got annoying more so. I didn’t want to be thought of that way. I never thought my gender would exclude me from anything. It shouldn’t have. (this is what classifies me to my friends as a femminazi. I don’t think radically, just rationally) Well, I couldn’t play because I was a girl. I pitched a fit, I cried, and then I decided to kill two birds with one stone. My oldest brother always took the opportunity to call me lazy and spoiled too. He always said that i never did any work around the house. I took up mowing the lawn because of that. I got a job at, shock, a video game store. I knew enough. I wasn’t crazy whacko to know everything, in fact I found that no one wanted to listen to me anyway… sadly because I was a girl. But I got more involved. I knew what was coming out, i knew what was good, what sucked, and I knew it well. I listened a lot. I listened to Dax’s opinion, which is (was) right on the dot about games.

So I guess I was a bit of a poser. It’s not that I don’t love video games, I’m just no good at them. (With the exception of Final Fantasy and similar RPGS) I get too excited to play properly and win. But I’ve lost so much, I don’t even care anymore. When I play Halo (dastardly Xbox.) I try to be killed as much as possible. That’s my way of winning. Sure, it wouldn’t be very exciting if everyone played that way, understandably so, but I have so much fun. I cheer on the people who murder me.

No use in getting all upset over losing. Everyone does from time to time. 😉 I just get my fair share.

So maybe I could hate my oldest brother for being a male chauvinist pig, and for treating me like i’m five forever. I could be upset that he doesn’t really see me as a person but as a child (who I suppose is a tiny person, but still) and I dont’ do anything but whine and complain and cry– Next time I see him, I won’t act like that. I don’t really think I did this time.

I just ignored him. Stayed out of his way– and did my own thing.

Derringer Meryl [Who Makes You] Out