Undone

What a cold and lonely rainy day.

Not really. It’s really bright outside. I’m just forcing myself into a cold and lonely rainy day. I want to hide…..

So tired of studying for the AP test tomorrow. At least I know that there is a large portion of seventeen year olds doing the same thing tomorrow.

By the force of will my lungs are filled, and so I breathe

My heart yearns for ‘he that must not be named’ I can’t help it. I”m getting better just like I promised my boss.

Speaking of whom…. is a dear dear heart. I was having what i’ve now decided was the lingering effects of a panic attack. He let me go home. He may not know, but that meant a lot to me. He’ll know soon, I wrote him a letter. He’s a funny guy. He always teases me about this diary. I don’t take it to heart, I know he’s more than he appears to be, a sweet guy, really nice.

I can’t help but look up to him.

It’s not very often that someone does something like that for me, and it really meant a lot to me. I can’t wait to give him the letter.

a shiver my bones just thinking about the weather

I’m getting pretty tired. Really tired, very easily. It’s odd. I hate it. I suppose I need to exercise more.

My mom’s doctor told her if something wasn’t done soon, she could die in a few years. It really scares me. I love my mom so much, that i don’t even know what i’ll do without her. I’m tired of loosing all the people i love to various fated incidences.

cancer

moving away

death

growing apart

I just don’t know how I could survive it if she died. Not alone. I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I would want to die….. i’d need a husband… a loving husband who knew my mother.

I can’t have that now. I”m only seventeen. I can’t get married. i dont’ want to be alone.

Derringer Meryl Out

Mom said she didn’t want me to have an online diary anymore. I decided to live in on the edge. No more living in fear

Tuesdays With Morrie did that to me. I’m tired of living the dark. I want to live life to it’s fullest… feel every emotion, and live it….

and let go.

That’s all I want. That’s all.

It’s not hard.

What was hard is the fact I had to tell my boss last night that I had a crush on ‘HIM’ Not my boss… but you know, the guy I have a crush on who I vy to remain nameless on the net. It’s super hard.

But today– I only thought of him as a jerk who was a jerk…

jerk JERK jerk

That’s all I said, to myself any way, and suffered in silence because I knew the truth.

Adorable Trustworthy handsome

I can’t keep but thinking about him. I can’t help it. It’s horrible.

bad Me

bad lama

Derringer Meryl out

Long Horrible, death like weekend.

Can I say that California there and back in a car, not so much fun.

I decided to stop liking him. It was all just in my head. He’d never like me anyway. There’s no chance. It’s not even possible. I’ll break my heart before he can.

My insides hurt. My heart, my stomach, everything. I feel so tired that I just want to sleep– and just cry. More than likely just PMS or something like that. But I hurt. I want to be loved. It’s hard to admit to myself that He’s not the one.

Really hard.

I’ve been all depressed and what not since last night, when I finally decided, that it was more heart break, to believe that I actually had a chance. What a joke. Besides, he more than likely already dating someone.

I have seven hours left of studying for class. I should do that. But — I’d rather wallow. I haven’t told my therapist that I even had a crush on this guy. How bad is that? Shame on me.

I suppose it looks like i’m over reacting to a desprately one sided thing. I agree. I can’t help the way my heart feels. I shouldn’t have started liking him in the first place. I can’t believe I did.

Well from now on NO more. SHame. Shame. I don’t think So, no more liking him. I’m just going to keep to my books, my diet, and my work. Nothing more, nothing less.

I’ll bite my lip if I feel any sort of feelings towards him. I’ll stop tonight. No more. Shame. I’ll ignore him. No more.

I

Must

Stop.

NOW

Derringer Meryl Out

I’m going to be out of town for the next couple of days.

If you’re new, read past Entries.

If you’ve been here before, you’ll just have to starve until I get to a computer where upon I can spew.

Derringer Meryl Out

Here’s the thought for the day.

I talk. ALOT. I don’t deny it, I talk alot, sometimes I don’t even know what i’m saying when I speak, as is obvious through the ramblings I place here for the world.

I hide behind my shadows
Until everyone is gone
And when the lights are out
After all the voices cease
I step out on to the stage
To tell the crowd my piece

The fact that I can talk for hours
And never say a thing
What happened to me
The way I’ve been treated
You all have molded me

I went to work last night, and it was like all the passion I have for speaking was gone. I just wanted to listen. I wanted to listen to the dorky elevator music they were playing in the corridors, I wanted to listen to comments as people passed by, I wanted to hear the sound of shoes on the tiles, all of the sounds I never hear when I talk. I wanted to hear someone besides me.

So I listened to him. He talked, and told stories, and wrote silly notes with pictures on them. [Note: If you don’t know who “HIM” is, read previous entries. I don’t use names.] It was nice. Not neccisarily because it was him, but because I listened. The one thing I miss the most about social life is listening.

That’s a funny statement. Makes me sound like a hermit with a keyboard. No. I — I dont’ have a social life because I dedicate my existance to study and work. I suppose I should try harder to just have fun, to hang out. I just needed a break from listening to them all. They seemed to yell all at once and cry out. I couldn’t listen all at once, so I stopped. I miss it now….

But the break was refreshing.

I think I’ve just decided that I love mankind, I think they can do some odd things sometimes, but no matter how much I love them, I have something inside of me that separates me from the ‘norm’

What is the norm you may ask? Well while we all may not be carbon copies of each other and what not, we all have basic capibilities and needs. We as Humans have the basic need for human companionship.

I defy that rule.

I dont’ claim that I don’t need anyone, that would be a lie. I need the people who run this web site, and people in my life day to day, my parents, my family, I need the people who give me books to read, things to study.

It is impossible to live without another Being.

However:

I defy that rule because– I don’t need someone to praise me, and say ‘I love you’ and to tell me it’ll be okay. Not anyone who is currently mortal anyway. I don’t feel compelled to sit in a room with eighty other people and interact. I’d have to say if I was in a room with that many people, I’d watch and listen. After that–

I’d probably leave. Depending on what they said and did.

I get annoyed easily. They shouldnt’ change for me, by no means. I am the odd one. Not them.

Derringer Meryl Out