Undone

What a cold and lonely rainy day.

Not really. It’s really bright outside. I’m just forcing myself into a cold and lonely rainy day. I want to hide…..

So tired of studying for the AP test tomorrow. At least I know that there is a large portion of seventeen year olds doing the same thing tomorrow.

By the force of will my lungs are filled, and so I breathe

My heart yearns for ‘he that must not be named’ I can’t help it. I”m getting better just like I promised my boss.

Speaking of whom…. is a dear dear heart. I was having what i’ve now decided was the lingering effects of a panic attack. He let me go home. He may not know, but that meant a lot to me. He’ll know soon, I wrote him a letter. He’s a funny guy. He always teases me about this diary. I don’t take it to heart, I know he’s more than he appears to be, a sweet guy, really nice.

I can’t help but look up to him.

It’s not very often that someone does something like that for me, and it really meant a lot to me. I can’t wait to give him the letter.

a shiver my bones just thinking about the weather

I’m getting pretty tired. Really tired, very easily. It’s odd. I hate it. I suppose I need to exercise more.

My mom’s doctor told her if something wasn’t done soon, she could die in a few years. It really scares me. I love my mom so much, that i don’t even know what i’ll do without her. I’m tired of loosing all the people i love to various fated incidences.

cancer

moving away

death

growing apart

I just don’t know how I could survive it if she died. Not alone. I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I would want to die….. i’d need a husband… a loving husband who knew my mother.

I can’t have that now. I”m only seventeen. I can’t get married. i dont’ want to be alone.

Derringer Meryl Out