Undone

Hey —

Well I worked tonight. And I can say, that I truely love my job…. BUT

Tonight was the worst, I think ever.

I’m a little over emotional right now, I know that. But I’ve always hated being compared to my old boss (Alright, we’ll call her …. Tangent) She was really pretty. I admit it. All the guys were drawn to her. I feel like the ugly little sister. Like Now that she’s gone, that they need to replace her, so they don’t have to look at me.

I don’t know why they would want to look at me. I”m not the prettiest thing– but I didn’t think I was that bad. Really. I don’t think that I belong in magazines– Or anything like that– but I didn’t think– Maybe that’s it

I didn’t think.

Anyway. I’m off to drown my sorrows in — rice cakes. or something. I’ve had enough of it all. For the first time in a long time I thought about cutting myself up in the middle of my store. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the thought, or the idea, or anything. But I wanted to. Right then and there I wanted to cut myself up so they could see…. see what they were doing to me. They can’t see because I hold it all in until I come home, and I cry– and it hurts. But–

Someday they’ll know what their words did to me. I don’t know how, or why– but they’ll know that it hurt. That I knew I wasn’t as pretty as Tangent– but–

I was pretty enough for them.

Derringer Meryl [Down in the] Out

Sometimes I feel bad. Because I don’t do what I’m supposed to. Because I wish for all that movie magic that just isn’t mine for the taking. Because it’s always just beyond my reach.

Why is it, that all the good things, are just beyond my reach. THat’s what it feels like. The guys, the grades, the friends, the relationships, all of it, it’s like I’m five, and I want the cookies on top of the fridge, and I can’t reach them, because i’m so small.

I thought I was supposed to be small.

I guess I was wrong.

But I write these stories, filled with the movie magic that I want, that I need. and…

That’s all it is, a story that I can live in for a moment, and then someone closes the book, and it’s over. I don’t like that part. The ‘its over’ part. I want to keep going. I want to live there, in that land of movie magic.

There I go again, wanting to live in the lies of the entertainment industry…. Some people say I should be happy with what I have–

How can I be happy if I have nothing? That may sound shallow, and rude, and crap like that. But.– I don’t mean i have nothing, I mean romantically speaking. I’m just smothering myself in all this romantic stuff, and I’m dying here–

I’m dying in that romantic lie I told.

Good Bye for today

Derringer Meryl [Sweep me off my Feet] Out

Sometimes it’s easier living a lie

Boy, was Tom Hanks right. I got back from watching Catch me if you can and All I can think is…

why doesn’t the world stop when I want to get off? Sure, I can understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me, but why– heavens why, do people move on? Sure resenting things and being bitter– bad stuff, I can swear to it. But why not hold onto a little scrap of something good, so maybe, if it comes back, you can remember what it was like.

She cheated

She got married to her lover

And had a new baby.

She replaced lover

She replaced Husband

She replaced child.

Why do I feel that she drove her son to fly around the world? That she made him want to leave, to run away. Because she did. She didn’t take the time to think about the lies she was telling, and who it would break in the end.

It broke her family

It broke the government

It broke the world.

Sure, he had a choice. There is no doubt in my mind that Frank Abignale Jr. had a choice every time he impersonated someone new. But the rush, the thrill,

it’s enough that you can become addicted to it.

Something tells me deep down inside, that he couldn’t help but want his mom to see him. She never saw him. Never.

He kept saying, ‘Catch me. I want this to end. I’m so tired of it all.’ and all i could think is….

I know that feeling. Wanting to be caught, someone to call your bluff and say “I see you. I see what you do–” Because you can’t do it yourself. Because running from the truth is all you’ve ever done in your life, and stopping is out of the question. Someone has to make you stop. Make you want to stop.

I can’t say what made me stop lying. Stop pasting on the smile that made my heart bleed until I felt so exhausted that I would sleep for hours. I think– I think it was when it caught up to me. When I felt it all, and I knew I was caught. Not by anyone, not by anything but the web of my own lies. And I had to bear the guilt alone.

For the most part.

I was lying to myself.

Derringer Meryl [finally caught up] Out

I HATE MONDAYS!!!

School was fine, except I found out that I wasn’t doing so well in my Word Processing Class, and today I found out that I wasn’t doing so well in my GYM class. I hate that class. She holds me accountable for work I didn’t do when I wasn’t there.

I suppose she’d rather me there and vomiting. Fine, she can have a hostile student, since that seems like her goal. She can have what she wants, a passed out, pissed off, and really really disgruntled video game playing GIRL!!! Okay! I’m tired, and you don’t seem to understand what tired means! I know you’re just doing my job, and I’m just doing mine, which is living, and breathing!! I’M SO SORRY THAT I INTERFERE WITH YOUR PERFECT PLAN!! But I can’t help the fact that I’m not as in shape as you want. SO SCREW YOU!

Can I say, I’m tired of Monday. I’m ready for friday.

Derringer Meryl [On your Bedroom floor] Out

I wrote a lot in my other Journal (My personal one, the one I carry with me all day.)

I heard this song (I think it came out in 1999) for the first time today. I heard it, and it reminded me of me. Except I’m the person they’re talking about…. and obviously the gender thing is a little screwed up, but just switch Her with him and you get the idea.

Dream – This is Me

This is me (this is me…) this is me

Ah… yeah… (this is me) c’mon…

She stole your heart

Only did it because she could

Chewed you up and swapped you around

That girl never was no good

Baby I will never do that

I’ll love you faithfully

But your suspicious mind thinks

I’m gonna repeat her story

She’s making you crazy

Making you a wreck

Making you follow me

Making me a suspect

You seem to think I’m playing her game

Don’t you know her name

That was her, this is me

We’re as different as can be

She and I we’re nothing alike

You confusing day with night

That was then, this is now

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (this is me)

(This is me…)

Stop making me feel bad

I’m the best thing you ever had

The only thing I’m guilty of

Is giving you too much love

(She’s making you crazy)

She’s making you crazy

Making you a wreck

Making you follow me

Making me a suspect

You seem to think I’m playing her game

Don’t you know, don’t you know her name

That was her, this is me (yeah)

We’re as different as can be (you gotta know)

She and I are nothing alike (yeah c’mon)

You confusing day with night (day and night)

That was then, this is now (now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see (see)

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (this is me)

(This is me…)

Don’t suffocate me, don’t misunderstand me

Don’t make me pay, for all her mistakes

Believe or not, it’s in my kiss

(Don’t see things that don’t exist)

That was her (yeah) this is me (whoa)

We’re as different as can be (yeah c’mon)

She and I are nothing alike (no, no, no, no)

You confusing day with night (oh…)

That was then, this is now (this is now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how (you don’t know)

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see (can’t you see)

That was her (this is me)

That was her, this is me (oh…)

We’re as different as can be (uh… yeah)

She and I are nothing alike (oh, oh)

You confusing day with night (day and night)

That was then, this is now (you’re mine now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

(You don’t know how)

I’m never gonna mess around

(Mess around…)

Set you down, can’t you see (c’mon)

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (get a grip)

Am I crazy, or just paranoid.

I think the latter

I was reading something, and I just thought, maybe games are teaching kids to be more violent, but mothers are saying, they were never violent as children. I have to wonder if the games are teaching them, but they were naturally skiddish. I have to wonder– is it better to have an aggressive child or a submissive one. As a submissive person myself I have to say, life as a submissive person, is not one anyone should have to live. It’s a vicious cycle. BLAH

But….. couldn’t video games also teach children to become assertive (the middle between submissive and aggressive) I don’t mean to say that people should make video games where the hero tries to talk reasonably with the villain first. I mean that with an appropriate dosage of real life interaction, as well as the training of aggression and aggressive behavior…. maybe the next generation of kids, can be a little more balanced.

Derringer Meryl [Nothing Alike] Out