Undone

My fingers are all pruney.

I just spent the last hour washing dishes as a deal so I could come on here and update. Hee hee hee. I did a good job, it’s not my fault that everything smells like vinegar (gack).

I was thinking about my older brother (sure I have a lot of them,just to keep you guessing) he’s only four years older than me. Well… three years and six months, but I figure, what ever. Anyway, I’m a devoted little LDS girl, I’m not ashamed of it. I love my religon (Before you flame me I adhere strictly to the 11th article of faith which states that (in Lay terms) you do what you do, I do what I do, we just let it go. k?) and I know it makes me happy. It might not do that for everyone– but I know it made him happy. It was one of those things you could see in his eyes, even when he was mad– or sad– that he knew it was true. That God loves us…..

Then — I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know when he stopped believing it all– but I didn’t like the person he became. I still love him, he’s my brother, there isn’t any way I couldn’t. I just know that he isn’t — that he doesn’t

that he doesn’t feel right. He’s struggling. He’s confused. Because the rest of his family is LDS and he isn’t, and he doesn’t want to be on the outside, but he doesn’t want to go to a church he no longer believes in to make someone else happy.

All I know is that my older brother… the one who looks like my twin. The one who i’ve always looked up to, the one I strive to do everything right so I can be like him–

Can’t go to my wedding.

Sure I’m not engaged, or anything like that, hell, i’m not even dating much! But As I sat spinning in a computer chair today at the local store, My mom said: “That’ll be useful for when you move out” and for the first time really– it hit me.

I’m a grown up.

I have only a few months left of my life as a reckless kid, who stays out late and does things that are fun on the weekend, and — who doesn’t think about the concequences when they buy some stupid thing at the store. Then I realize–

I’ve been grown up for thirteen years now.

My brother used to stay out late, and made stupid choices without thinking about the concequences, and I saw how it hurt my family. How it hurt me. I didn’t like it, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that. And when he got his girlfriend (now wife, thank you very much) pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility.

I was afraid. Dammit, I still am. Because– because we’re almost twins. We look so much alike it’s scary, I kid you not. Because I’m afraid of making the mistakes he made, I became my own parent. I told myself “Is it very responsible to go out and do things with people when you have homework?” and I got better grades. I said to myself “Is it really responsible to go to dances when that big test is on monday?” and I stayed home. I didn’t need my parents to ground me, or yell at me, or remind me of the concequences of my actions.

I did it myself.

I wanted to do everything right, every last thing. I wanted to take the AP tests he didn’t, I wanted to pass the classes he didn’t, I wanted to win the awards he didn’t. I wanted to be him, and better. Every good thing about him, I wanted to be.

I lost myself while playing his shadow.

Not to mention I’m a perfectionist. It’s not hard to take the tests he didn’t, or pass the classes he didn’t– but the awards, the glory. He was an editor, and went on all the dates to all the dances.

I didn’t wish to repeat the dances– that would take away from my academic glory.

But here I am at my senior year, and the world is rushing me out into life, into the world of uncertainty where you don’t have someone to hold you hand–

and i don’t have a path to follow.

It makes me nervous. I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate from the academy of Travel and Tourism, work as a travel agent through my college years, and then become an English Teacher for a high school.

Then My senior year happened. I didn’t like High school students, the academy became much too– well lets just say it was far too challenging for the beginning classes you take. The college I wanted to go to, and wanted me, was Catholic, so that was banned by a higher authority… ahem. So here I am.

I’m going to go to SLCC until I decide where else to go. What a plan.

Derringer Meryl [Game of Life] Out

Now I don’t expect that many of you have seen Love Hina but it has the ever so classic love triangle.

Boy Likes girl

girl likes other boy

other boy totally oblivious.

I hate that. I mean, I understand it, totally, beyond all belief. I just hate the thought that you could be stuck like that. Alone while the person you pine for, pines for someone else. I live it everyday– with an added element.

Girl likes Boy

Boy likes girl, but not that way, likes other girl

Other girl likes boy, but is friends with girl.

Girl wishes to rip her hair out.

I can’t break up my friends. That’s morally wrong. I know it. I hate the fact that the idea runs through my head daily. I hate the fact that I see myself holding his hand, and being something more than just a friend– something better.

Because of the one day that happens once a year, where we all, as a human race, have to celebrate the wonderful-ness that is couples. Kill me for the love of pete! I don’t necessarily despise the holiday, but c’mon, you haven’t seen a horrid day until you’ve seen everyone at school get flowers but you.

That’s why when you’re little, they force you get valentines for everyone. They save the single person awareness when you’re really vulnerable. GAG ME! I just want to die sometimes when the whole class of girls have their teddy bears, and their roses, and their Tommy Boy scented Valentines. All I have is a blanket, which gets pretty burdensome to carry all day (I love it all the same, I sleep with it every night, or I don’t sleep at all) and a Penguin I stole from my nephew.

At least I have a Valentine this year. Sorta. I mean he’s a few hundred miles away…. and he’s probably asleep by this time at night– but sleeping is for happy people. I can’t wait to get his CD.

Derringer Meryl [making friends with shadows on the wall] Out

Things are getting interesting around here.

My Friend, whom I’ve known since the first grade, came to visit for the weekend. I was happy. She’s a great girl, but I was crabby because …. well that’s the confusing part. I’ve been super angry this … uhh … well for a while. It was fun to have her around. Went to debate, and she got to watch me lose, AGAIN! Suprise!

Lets see… i suppose I could talk about my friend. Not the one who came and visited for the weekend. My friend who took me to the dance. I don’t know if he comes here to read my journals any more…. but….

This is the man

That I plan to entangle

Isn’t he fine?

My claim to fame

Was to maim and to mangle

Vengeance was mine

But I’m out of the biz

The name I made I’ll trade for his

The only trouble is…

I’ll never tell

I don’t plan to marry him. Honest. I”m just saying he’s a great guy– and that’s what I can never say, because the words get caught in my throat, because when I get around him, I just play with my hair, and I turn into Meryl, the wonder ditz. That’s what makes me feel bad, and because i’m nervous, he thinks he’s being a bad date, and what not. But no, it’s just him. He’s so good, and he’s so…. I mean….

Wow

He’s really WOW worthy, trust me. And so i have to just sit around totally dumb and mute because I can’t express to him how truely great he is. I mean— really. WOW. It’s like there isn’t even a word that explains how great he is. How he just can make you smile by being there, how it makes your cheeks hurt because you’re having such a wonderful time.

I just can’t say it.

I don’t know why I”m on the Debate team, I can’t speak. Words have escaped me. Gone.

Derringer Meryl [Muted] Out

Right. Have you ever got the feeling everyone is staring at you going “OH My gosh, what a freak!”

I do. constantly. Though I have to wonder if it’s the voices I hear in my head that are saying it.

In any case– I’m a diva. I think i’m beginning to accept it. I want to be the star, twenty four seven. Well, not exactly– I want to be everyone’s favorite pet, and the girl they all say “Damn I want to be like her.” (Their words, not mine!) I want to be the center of attention.

But then I come to the realization that being the center of attention could cost a lot of …. well…. ego, pride, all that fun stuff.

Is it really worth it to have everyone in the world paying attention to you while muttering to their neighbor “That Poor girl, We should pray for her.” Honestly I thank you, you imagninary people you, for your prayers, but my obsession with you paying attention to me, does not need your little prayers.

Heh.

Okay. Now i’m talking to the voices that talk to the voices. I need much medication. *sighs* That’s not the point though. I want to be better– I want to be the super star.

I like being princess and queen and apple of the public’s eye. I just want it without the heavy pricetag the world has put on it. I don’t’ want to give up my privacy, or what little of sanity I have, or my sexuality– Or any of it. I want to be me, and I want it to be enough for the adoring masses to …. well…. adore me.

I have to go– My agent is calling 😉

Derringer Meryl [Superstar] Out

This is just a quickie- I heard this song by Blessid Union of Souls and I thought i’d share it with you.

I want to be like this for a guy, and I want my guy to be like this! 🙂 Confusing, ne?

She don’t care about my car

She don’t care about my money

And that’s real good because I don’t got alot to spend

But if I did it wouldn’t mean nothin’

She likes me for me

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford

With the charm of Robert Redford

Oozing out my ears

But what she sees

Are my faults and indecisions

My insecure conditions

And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

She don’t care about my big screen

Or my collection of DVD’s

Things like that just never mattered much to her

Plus she don’t watch to much t.v.

And she don’t care that I can fly her

To places she ain’t never been

But if she really wants to go

I think deep down she knows that

All she has to say is when

She likes me for me

Not because I hang with Leonardo

Or that guy who played in “Fargo”

I think his name is Steve

She’s the one for me

And I just can’t live without her

My arms belong around her

And I’m so glad I found her once again

And I’m so glad I found her once again

And I’m so glad I found her once again

Gazing at the ceiling

as we entertain our feelings in the dark

The things that we’re afraid of are gonna show us

what we’re made of in the end

She likes me for me

Not because I sing like Pavarotti

Or because I am such a hottie

I like her for her

Not because she’s phat like Cindy Crawford

She has got so much to offer

Why does she waste all her time with me

There must be something there that I don’t see

She likes me for me

Not because I talk like Dirty Harry

Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey

Unlike the Cable Guy

But what she sees

Is that I can’t live without her

My arms belong around her

And I’m so glad I found her once again

Found her once again

I’m so glad I found her once again

Once again

Derringer Meryl [He likes me for me] Out