Undone

here’s some more of that grey matter exploding fun–

It’s the Memorial day weekend, and despite how much we may sedate my father with SSRI’s he’s still a grumpy ass monkey. He has mood swings that make mine pale in comparison. He assumes (not unlike me) that every one knows exactly what is going on inside of his mind, that when he snaps his fingers and says “That one thing, you know?” we all completely understand him, but are just being rude jackasses.

I guess we learned it from him.

I don’t know why he irratates me so– Maybe it’s because he’s so lukewarm. Some days he’s my dad. MINE, you know, and I can be his little girl…. and other days I’m my mom’s. I remember so vividly from when I was little …. he got angry about something– and yelled at my mom that “One of her damn kids must have done it.” we were always the easy scapegoat. always.

and i’ve always wondered if it was better to have a lukewarm, mood swing dad, than no dad at all. Then I remember what Christ said (and trust me, he’s like Buddha and Ghandi in the way that most of his stuff made a WHOLE lotta sense) “Be ye hot, or be ye cold, but be not lukewarm lest I spit ye out of my mouth.” Err something like that. It boiled down to “Be bad, be good, be something, cause being in the middle, just pisses me off.”

I’m sure I condemned myself with that last line… eh.

I told my boss, the real flaky one who had like 4 kids from two different women, and only one of them while he was married to the mother. *shakes her head* I told him, that he had such potential to be a great dad. That I wanted him to be what my dad was never for me. Sure, my dad changed a lot for me, he went to school so he could raise me right—

But I don’t know. Some of the things he’s done. Like making me afraid of getting married, or dating– afraid of loving someone– I already know that I pick scummy guys. They seem nice and pretty on the surface, but that’s the cheap gold gilding they put on until I’m in too deep. Then it all flakes off and then– then i’m stuck with a crap load of bad memories, and an extreme skittish-ness.

I don’t walk on the bad side. In fact, I’m pretty sure I walk no where near it. I admire it from afar, where it still looks enticing, and say “Wow, bad side, That’s neat.” and keep going my merry way. I’m safe and secure, and so deeply entrenched in my shell that no one can even tell by the stupid mask I put on. I try my damnedest to keep true to how i’m feeling– but…. I wouldn’t be able to leave my house, walk through a crowd, or talk to anyone outside of my family (or my second family of co-workers). It’s hard– I hate being touched. I don’t even like to be touched by my own family. Not my dad, my siblings– my mom is about the limit. She’s always right. *sighs* I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t touch customers, I dont touch teachers, I dont’ like hugging my fetchin’ therapist. Amy, My mom, Carolyn…. and that’s about it. Notice very carefully that no guys fall into that VERY short list.

why? because despite how well i get along with guys, I think it happens to be a case of keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Don’t get me wrong– I love my guy friends, they’re all great, and while some of them have the tendency to piss me off to no end– *sighs* i don’t hate them, obviously, otherwise they wouldn’t be on my list of friends (duh) but guys are the enemy. I guess I’m still psychologically at the “boys have cooties” stage of life. and I hate that. Because trust me, I’ve fallen for a guy before. So my brain is going “Hey, You don’t like them, they’re bad, they do bad things your mind and your heart, and you in general. You shouldn’t be doing this.” and my heart just keeps screaming “You need the contact, you need to take a chance, you need to love, you need to move past that stage– It could be that man that can love you forever.”

and It hurts. Like i always have a conflict going on inside of me, driving me a little— no a lot, crazy. and so — i leave you with the thoughts (echoing mine in every possible way) of Matchbox 20 in their new song Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown

And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow I’ve lost my mind

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I’m just a little unwell

Derringer Meryl [head exploding] out

here must be something wrong, You don’t decide to not go for no reason at all.

And what if I did? What if I decided out of the blue one day to not go to school, just because? Or maybe work? No reason whatsoever, just because. I can do that, despite the ‘rules’ society has set, i can NOT do something if I choose. It’s not a big deal.

Okay, so there’s this barbeque at this one guy’s house this weekend. I was going to go, but then I decided it would probably be more healthy for me if I don’t. I don’t need to be all moony eyed in front of …. *gets angry* someone. Okay, SOMEONE. I’m tired of inflicing pain on myself. I’d much rather have someone else do it to me. That’s what a massochist is, I like the RIGHT kind of pain…

this isn’t it. this is the heart-wrenching-eternal-damnation-type-torment….. yeah, so i’m a little crazy, but that’s why my theme song is unwell by Matchbox20. I’m Unwell. That’s my singles (online) name. uNw3ll. Yeah, I’m sorta out there, but you wanna know what–

I’m out there, because I can’t stand living in here. *shrugs*

so I”m not going. I’m not perky (and I swear to God if you want to know the thing that pisses me off the most is being called perky!!) and I never have been. and despite my massochistic tendencies– I am not allowing cetain people to cause me to inflict more moony-eyed moron pain on myself. *sighs*

I know, I’m a freak. I over think things… Marcus wonders why my head hasn’t exploded yet– I think it would be the fact that I take more anti-depressant medication than any other teenager I know. Maybe that’s what keeps me from randomly killing my co-workers who can’t keep a bathroom clean or throw things away, OR dump their drinks.

That and Red. I’m sad. She’s leavin’ on a jet plane to D.C. tomorrow, and I won’t see her for like…. *thinks* five whole days! Kay, Red and I …. that’s the wrong way to start it. I’m friggin’ attatched to Red like a chicken is attatched to it’s feathers. I’m lonely and grumpy when she isn’t here. *sighs* dont’ tell– she doesn’t know. *laughs* okay, so she does.

She’s my best friend, and then… she’s going away to college.

That’s a scary topic. What am I going to do about college. I want to …. I want to go, part of me wants to learn and grow and be challenged– and another part of me wants to rest, desperately wants to rest. I don’t know why I … I should go. That is a statement. I, Derringer Meryl, should go to college.

but where, and why, and for how long??

Derringer Meryl [Complicated] Out

Right then– here I go, If you don’t like to read about any religion (if it isn’t yours or at all) I suggest you scoot. I’m having Religious dilemmas.

I love my church, God, Jesus, the whole bit. I’d write out a testimony, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about me… and despite the fact i’ve tried so hard to scrape every single memory of him from my brain…. HIM. I’m sure you remember. Blah. In any case, I’ve fallen again, and hard. Mostly due to my legal-ness now. It’s so hard for me to understand. I get that God wants all of his children to be happy (right, makes sense) and for me, being married will make me happy. And despite how obsessed and disgustingly sick this makes me, as far as i know right now, at this moment, I would not mind being married to HIM.

He’s not my same religion. My heart chose. and I hate it. I hate the fact that my heart is leading me someplace that I would love to go, but can’t. It’s like, there are two things that would make me happy (okay, makes sense) but they contradict each other.

Take my sadist obsession…. or being a massochist— strictly in contradiction to what I feel about the gospel. (BTW If you didn’t already know, I’m LDS…. dont’ think ill of them… Some of them are very happy people, and simply wish to extend that happiness to you. *shrugs*)

Anyway– I’m like the living contradiction girl. I love people, I think people are facinating, but I have social anxiety, I want to have a husband, but I’m afraid to date…..

I love a Catholic Boy, despite the fact that I’m LDS and can’t marry him the way I want to.

I dont’ even know what i’m talking about. I don’t even know if I want to marry him at all. But he takes my breath away and makes me feel real. Like the life i’m living isn’t just some day dream that is inside of someone’s head…. Real. Me.

It’s something new to me. I can feel every aspect of emotion– pain, love, it’s vibrant and glorious…

and i want it. I guess that’s why I want HIM so bad. Because he makes me alive inside.

I’m not sure if that’s romantic or really really scary. REALLY

Derringer Meryl [Living Again?] Out

You know, it started out like such a good week.

Great guy prospects all around. *nods* and it’s like a burn when i find out one a single friggin’ one worked out. nothing is making me feel better, and despite the fact i think drinking is disgusting and horribly wrong….

i’d like to get very pissed right now.

i know it won’t make me feel better, but i’ll forget for a little while, ya know? Like for those few hours i can be so drunk that i won’t have to worry about anything but not vomiting on my shoes….

sounds carefree to me.

and still i know it’ll hurt worse (both physically and mentally) in the morning. And it hurts–

because i could tell that he was lying. It’s like when someone can’t hide it– you can hear the pain in their voice because they’re lying, and they don’t want to– like they’re afraid….

and you can feel it. I think that’s what hurts the most, the fact that you can hear the lie…

and you want to tell them to shut the hell up, and stop making excuses, but then your realize that they’re only doing it to comfort you….

because they know what you do. What you feel is wrong. It’s sick, God hates you for loving him that way…. for wanting him to take you in your arms and hold you through the night– and nothing more.

And no one knows that he’s the only one you’ve really felt this for. That the fact that he’s lying kills you inside as the pain builds and builds until you want to die inside–

but you can’t– and they won’t let you.

Derringer Meryl [Sullen Longing] Out

I’m nervous.

To the point, to be exact, where my stomach is gurgling and gargling on a constant painful basis. I’m sure you’re wondering what i’m so nervous about…. Well i’m meeting this guy on tuesday, AND his parents all in one fell swoop. It’s like the major blind date from hell, and I have nothing I want to wear, does that make sense?

I have a closet full of clothes, wonderful clothes that are simply amazing to me– but I can’t wear any of them. This is a meeting two years in the works, and …..

I’m afraid that I’m not what he thinks I am, I’m not the beauty who is poetic and romantic– I’m not….

unfortunately in my writing [sometimes] i can appear this way The thing I am, is natural. Purely me, and simple that way. I’m not gorgeous, I’m not . . . . I’m poetic, but not when I speak– I sound like every other coarse person in the world. I’m scared, and I’m lonely… go figure. His parents already don’t like me, and … and…. i’m not the kind of girl he should like. I’m not dirty or sinful, but —

He deserves someone who wants to cook dinner just for him, and wear pearls and smile and say “Father Knows Best” I’m not that girl I never have been, but

I can’t say I lied, because… when i met him, it was the person I was. I was beautiful and honest and pure.

now– i’m a little dirty and tainted. *shrugs* I guess it’s the price you pay for living– the fact that your little white dress gets a little tainted, and dirty. I’m not sure which I liked better, not living and not being worthy, or living and not being worthy. It’s a painful thing… living, breathing… it’s annoying–

so is finding a good skirt to wear. I want to look pretty AND modest. That’s probably the most annoying thing. No one has longer skirts for me to wear. GRRRR!

Derringer Meryl [Neurotic Tendencies] Out